3 weeks and 3 Days pregnant

BFP - OMG

Due the 23rd February, 2011.

I tested this morning and got a very very very faint second line on an Internet Cheapie Test. It was so faint I considered it might even be an evap line. I had a First Response Test and deicided to 'hold it' for four hours and test at 6pm. Well I managed to hold it for about an hour an a half, and decided to just do the test anyway, I had another if it was neg -.

Very obvious second (but not dark as control line). Not bad for afternoon urine at 10 DPO.

So excited, by so nervous. I want to be hopeful but I automatically think there are so many things that can go wrong from here, so just wait!!!! My partner doesn't know yet. He freaked out during the ovarian ectopic when the Dr said it could kill me - actually the Dr repeatedly told us I could die. DP didn't take that so well. So I'm going to have 3 bloods over 5 days and if they continue to double, I'll assume its not an ectopic and tell DP so he can be there for the very early scan I'll have.

Just wanted to share it - now off to freak out, and be quietly excited!!!

CD 23 - 7 dpo Temp – 36.7

I tested this morning with an IC – cause I’m crazy like that….
No surprises that once again it was a BFN.

Possible symptoms today have been:
I had some more blood while brushing my teeth, and little bit of blood when I blew my nose.
A lot of pain around my right ovary (the non-screwed up one) it was very painful and recurred on and off for half an hour around 11.15am.
Couldn’t handle the smell of a banana – it was just so so strong. And I kept asking everyone in the office “do you smell it, do you smell it”.
Ate hot chips and the taste of salt was just gross – like it was a thousand times stronger than any salt I had ever eaten.

Ooh and last night I had a bit of a pulling sensation ‘inside’ my left (.)(.)

For some reason that cannot be explained, I decided at lunch to go to the shop and get a First Response Test so I could POAS again. I have problems  maybe I’m making up for the two years where I haven’t POAS? The worst part is……. I’m actually a little sad it was negative. How ridiculous. I’m 7DPO, my chances of getting a BFP were 0.000000001%. Even with the ectopic I didn’t get my first BFP until 9 DPO.

I’m very , very quickly being reminded of how much TTC sucks.

CD 22 - 6 DPO

Sooooo 6 DPO. Not much happening. POAS, funnily enough it was negative – I have 6 tests….. so I can POAS every second day until af is due and still have spares. Well that is my reasoning J
I spent the majority of last night on a 2WW website looking at everyone’s different symptoms at each DPO. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I spat out a whole heap of blood. Well I had the biggest grin because of it. Bleeding gums is a great symptom. And I’ll hold onto it until I get any other sign that can be dramatically twisted and turned into another symptom HAHAHA.

The worst part about this whole thing is that if it is negative I still have to wait another 3 weeks til I O. Which makes it another 5 weeks before I could be pregnant. It’s just frustrating. I know I’m being whiny and sooky and I’m sorry. I know some people have it harder than us (poor buggers L)

You should have seen me at 6.30am squinting at my freshly peed on stick to see if I could even imagine a line. I couldn’t even fake an imaginary line at 6 DPO!!!!! I left it in the drawer in the bathroom so I can go home and try and imagine a line after 9 hours. “Read your test within 10 minutes” – pfft where is the fun in that!!! If I have an evap line I will get a good 3 or 4 hours of entertainment out of that – trying to decide if it’s actually a line or an evap.

Since 8am every hour on the hour I have been starving – tummy grumbling. I went and ate a plain cracker between morning tea and lunch it was that bad!!

12.10PM – weird burning sensation on the right side of my uterus / ovary area. Lasted about 20 seconds went away and came back for another 5 seconds. Checked my pants weren’t tight there and they weren’t even touching that area. Will be interesting to see if anything comes of it. Will be even more interesting if I were to have an implantation dip tomorrow or some spotting!!! Fingers crossed for implantation and spotting J
Ooooh spotting. Who thought I’d ever get so excited about spotting!!! Even to the point where I’m hoping for it.

2.15Pm - Really strong sharp paind on my lowere rights hand side. I swear if there is a bbay in my ocvary againi'll be really really pi55ed off!!! Babies go in the Uterus NOT IN OVARIES - are you listening in there.

I might add some more throughout the day if anything comes up. Beats working I guess.

Kinda TTC

So here we sit at 5 DPO …… temps actually look like the same as they did at the beginning of my pregnancy in July 2008. But they could always look like this – I haven’t had a proper temping cycle in a couple of years really. However, if I am pregnant I am highly positive that the eggie is clever enough to NOT implant in my ovary this time……
I want to test. I KNOW there will be no chance in the world of getting any form of accurate result. But seriously, that doesn’t stop me from wanting to test. Stupid, I know. I’m trying to hold out to Friday – which will be 9 DPO and the earliest I’ve gotten a BFP before. Again, we will not take into consideration that it was in my ovary!!
I’ve violated my cervix and have vowed that from now I’m only allowed to check it twice a day – once in the morning and once at night. Not every single time I go to the bathroom, or walk past a bathroom, or think of a bathroom!!! I’m sure after a certain number of times it goes beyond just checking but I can’t help it!!! It’s like my ridiculous need to POAS at 5 DPO.
I’m a little nauseous – prob cause DP’s phone was off, last time that happened he was in an accident
I’m a little tired – probably from the crappy sleep I had
I’ve got a little break out – probably from the half a block of chocolate I ate over the weekend.
I’m having a lot of twinges in my right ovary – which I’m not really comfortable with as its supposed to be the GOOD ovary.
The only real ‘symptom’ I have that I don’t have a rational explanation for is my CM. it ‘feels’ like its very wet down there, but if I check its not. My CM is maybe a mix between creamy and watery, but it just has the sensation of being wet. That’s something I never get.

I’m not 100% hopeful for this month – no, I lie – I AM hopeful, I’m just not 100% confident. I had EWCM on day 12 and 13 and DTD both of these days in the PM. But I didn’t O until CD16 – which gives me a -4 and -3 BD prior to O – not GREAT. But hey I had the EWCM and used Preseed. So maybe we have a shot.
I have searched the absolute bejeebus out of the FF chart gallery to find pregnancy charts with -4 or -3 BD’s before O. there are actually heaps and heaps of them!!! And every day I just want the day to hurry up because the sooner I go to bed the sooner I can wake up and take my temp.Please, please, please world let this be our turn for a BFP that results in a happy healthy baby. These BFP’s that don’t have babies at the end are a real buzz kill!!!!

Best of luck everyone.

HERE is my Fertility Friend Chart if anyone wants to see it!!

Um did we just TTC?

3rd May, 2010

So for some really really strange reason unknown to both myself and dp...... we DTD, unprotected, knowing full well that i'm around O time.
I have no idea what either of us were thinking. We will not be back on the TTC bandwagon just yet. But for some reason we thought we'd just not worry this time.So that officially gives me a test date! I can't remember the last time I had a test date other than for a blood test - hahaha.
I haven't had a 2ww for ages. its probably O day or 1 DPO at the most and I'm already freaking out!!!!!I went online and purchased 25 IC tests so i can test to my hearts content. If I'm not pregnant, I'll be disappointed. If I AM pregnant I'll be scared 5hitless!!!!

27th May, 2010

Due to an ovarian cyst that screwed up my ovulation, DTD unprotected had no real impact on anything.My cycle was 2 days longer and I’m now currently sitting on CD10. I’m going to do an OPK this afternoon to see if anything comes up. I doubt it would this early. I haven’t ovulated at CD10 for about 2 and a half years! I don’t think we are actually trying again.
I just think we aren’t going desperately out of our way to ensure it doesn’t happen. I don’t think either of us are quite ready for the full on TTC lifestyle again.
Sometimes we are safe, sometimes we aren’t. it really depends on each individual situation. Sometimes it’s just more convenient to be safe that it is to be ‘trying’ – if that makes any sense.
We are back to enjoying se)( for se)( and not because it is time for me to ovulate – therefore bed – NOW.
I am finding the idea of parenthood quite daunting. I was so confident and excited and READY when we were TTC last time. And then when I was pregnant I was overjoyed and beyond excited – I never had any doubts or concerns. I think maybe this is just a bit of a self-protective measure to avoid getting hurt. If I can’t imagine being a parent, then perhaps if another pregnancy fails I won’t be as devastated? I know that’s a big lot of crap – but I think maybe subconsciously that’s what’s happening? Who knows, my body is weird so I wouldn’t be surprised if my brain is too !
Looking at perhaps having another ‘kind of’ attempt this month?
Have about 2 days to decide, so we better get cracking!!!!

Toxoplasmosis, Cytomegalovirus, Glandular Fever.....

I guess I haven't really been forthcoming with information on being sick, having toxo, and just the past twelve months in general. So i figured I should get it all out there.

In March 2009 I had an Influenza vaccination.... I ended up with worst dose of the flu I've ever had. A week after I fnally got over it, the symptoms started again. I had a niggling tight feeling in my throat, and was anticipating the flu that was to follow. It didn't come. I went to the dentist to see if the burning taste in my throat was an infection in a tooth or something similar. When that turned up nothing, I went to the local Dr to see what he thought. I was originally diagnosed with Relux, and placed on a PP Inhibitor. This had no impact on the symptoms either. I went to see a different Dr and explained my sore throat - this time the Dr asked me 'if I was tired'. I bawled my eyes out and told him I was totally and utterly exhausted. I was so tired that I almost had a nervous breakdown at the thought of having to have a shower, and then drive for an hour to have dinner with friends. I broke down and sobbed hysterically. I started a fight with my partner and made him go without me. I explained that no matter how much I slept, I still felt exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. And that working 40 hours a week was the extent of my activities. The rest of the time I slept. I had ignored the tiredness until then as I just assumed it was because I had been emotinal around he time of my two due dates in the beginning of 09.

The Dr tested for a 'few different things' and I went about my sleeping, working, sleeping routine.

When I went to get my results the first question the Dr asked me was 'how many hours do you work'. I told him I work fulltime, so 40 hours work 8 hours travel, minimum, per week. He told me he had no idea how I managed to continue to function with what I had. (He scared the crap out of me). Turns out I had Cytomegalovirus (CMV), Glandular Fever (called mononucleosis in America), and Toxoplasmosis - all at once. One of these alone can create fatigue and general tiredness. But by having all three at once, the Dr was surprised I could manage to do anything at all. The symptoms are all very, very similar, hence the reason I was tested for all three. The Dr assumed I would have one of them, he never imagined I would have all 3.

Those who have been preganant or TTC will probably be aware that Toxo and preganancy don't mix .... Toxo can actually cause miscarriage. We wont even go into how many times my partner and I have discussed whether or not the Toxo caused maybe even 1 of my miscarriages. Toxo causes miscarriage and CMV causes birth defects and/or developmental issues. We had discussed taking TTC off the agenda for 2009, and these results forced our hand.

I spent the next 3 months being too exhausted to do anything other than work and sleep. I don't think we could have made a baby even if we were allowed, I was too tired to even think about sex. My wonderful partner did everything. He worked 70 - 80 hours a week and then he cooked and cleaned every single day. I concentrated on trying to get healthy, taking beneficial vitamins, and not collapsing in the shower.

One day in November, I wasn't so bone dead tired, and thought it must have all passed. The next round of blood tests showed that I was over the CMV, was over the Glandular Fever, but the Toxo was still active. I started to worry that TTC was off the cards for 2010 as well!

I had bloods taken on Saturday. And now I am literally sitting next to the phone waiting for it to ring to find out whether dp and I get to have the 'are we going to try to have a baby' discussion. Cross your fingers for me!!!!!

Welcome to 2010

Welcome to 2010.

In 2008 I had thousands of posts on numerous pregnancy websites. In 2009 I maybe had twenty....

9 months after my initial diagnosis and I STILL have toxoplasmosis. My body is incapable of being normal. No one else has toxo for 9 months... seriously - we can't even discuss having a baby!!!

I want to go back to my pregnancy websites. I want to experience a 2ww again - (but i'd like to be pregnant quickly please). I check in on people and I find some fabulous women are PREGNANT and I have this emotional rush of joy. Then i think ****, how will i be when I get pregnant!!!

Ok, so not much to tell, just wanted to drop in here and say hi. I'm still alive, diseased, but still alive.

Hi,

Remeber me : )

Life has been chaotic with Xmas, New years and so so many birthdays, mine included.

My sister is due in 19 days, her OB thinks she will go by the end of next week.
The end of next week is my original due date.

What are the chances of that happening? My guess is a HUGE chance. I decided I'm not really ok with the baby coming on my due date. I know I have no say, but I would rather the chance to grieve, to feel all the hurt and the pain. I want the day for me. Just once :(

But at the end of the day what I really want is for my niece or nephew to arrive happy and healthy when he or she is ready :)

Progression

I am progressing. I was in the room with a lot of other people when a pregnancy was announced via speaker phone. I said congratulations and ooh’ed and ah’ed about her son being an older brother etc etc.

That may all sound like standard behaviour that happens everyday. But it hasn’t been like that for me for awhile. Um for about 14 months actually.

In the early stages of TTC, pregnancy announcements sucked because I wasn’t pregnant yet. When I was pregnant pregnancy announcements sucked cause I couldn’t share my news with anyone other than family because it was too early. When I lost my babies, pregnancy announcements just sucked, full stop. But now….. Now they are cool. I was genuinely happy for this person, which surprised me a little :)

The smile wasn’t fake, nor was the congratulations. And to be honest, I’ve faked it in the past, a lot recently.

So I’m making progress. Now just to hold my niece or nephew for the first time, who is due so close to my original due date. I really believe bubby will come on my due date, and although I would prefer it not too, if it does, it will allow me to celebrate that day for the rest of my life. Rather than fear it.

Having a rant

Ok, be prepared, I’m about to have a rant and a rave.

A friend of mine just lost her baby. The pregnancy came as a surprise. She was not sure if she was prepared or not. She decided they were stable enough to offer a baby a chance at a good life. They decided to keep the baby. 1 week later she had a miscarriage.

Now, upon telling people she had lost the baby, she was met with the following statements:
*everything happens for a reason
*well it wasn’t planned anyway
*next time everything will be fine
*you’re very young, consider it a blessing

I would just like to point out a few ‘problems’ I have with these comments.

*Everything happens for a reason
Right, what reason is that exactly? To make me miserable? To make me never be able to enjoy a pregnancy without freaking out about losing another baby? Or why, it happened because there was something wrong with my baby? – that’s great, now my body is incapable of making a healthy baby. Will it always be like this, or is my body just hopeless?
No matter what reason you thought this was a sensible comment to tell someone – IT IS NOT. She feels like 5hit, and there is no reason you can give her that makes it ok that this happened.

*Well it wasn’t planned anyway.
And? Your point is? So it wasn’t planned, does that mean I loved my baby less than you? Pfft, you’re kidding right. I can’t imagine that all the children out there running around in the world are loved on levels that are measured by whether they were planned or not. Alternatively, if someone can manage to fall pregnant by accident, are you jealous? Did it, or is it taking you a long time to fall pregnant and the pure truth is your jealous someone else did it without trying?

*Next time everything will be fine
Says who? Unless you have a time machine and can tell me my next pregnancy will be fine, shut up. I wanted it to be fine this time. Do you think that if next time everything IS fine, that I will magically forget about the baby I lost? I lost my baby, everything is not fine NOW, why are you trying to talk to me about next time?

*You’re very young, consider it a blessing
Do I even need to elaborate? Age does not determine how much you grieve your child. Granted, women in their later years may be more panicked that they are running out of time. Hell I’m 28 and scared I’ve left it too long; I imagine older women would feel that anguish a lot stronger. But that does not mean that it is a good thing to happen because someone is younger. The child was wanted, which in turn makes a miscarriage devastating. Left with what ifs and what could have been’s. Perhaps someone younger may even take it harder than what I would, maybe they are yet to deal with guilt and grief. What a sad, sad way to be introduced to such emotions.

Look I know the majority of people have NO IDEA what to say to us, or how to help us when we lose a baby. But, honestly, the best comments I received went along the lines of this:
‘That’s 5hit, I’m so very sorry’
‘I can’t imagine how you are feeling; I just wanted to let you know that I am here if you need me’

If you DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, say that….. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. That’s enough you know. Just you acknowledging it is enough.

It’s a horrible position to be in, to have to talk to someone who is grieving. But please do not try and give me some justification for this happening. There is none. She is sad, and my guess is that a little piece of her will be sad forever. She’ll be able to function again one day, like nothing is wrong. But please, for now, just tell her your sorry, and that you are there for her. I promise you that will be enough.

A bump in the road

I wrote a massive post and lost the whole thing!!!!!!

Over the past few days DP and I have reached the decision that we will not be TTC again until 2010. This is a massive decision that we did not come to without shedding many a tear.

My life has become a minefield of trying to avoid having miscarriages, stressing about miscarriages, and trying to deal with my miscarriages. It pains me so much to know that I carried two children who I never had a chance to meet. I no longer sleep properly, as my head continually ticks over thinking about what is, what was and what could have been. The past 6 months has been emotional torture for me, and I know my unhappiness has led DP to be stressed and worried about me. We no longer have sex for fun, but instead to make a baby. I was also so focused on being pregnant before 16th January that I was wishing time away. I am still very scared about how I will feel on that date, as well as on the 4th May. But I am allowing myself the chance to fall apart on those days, to cry, to grieve, and to pretty much lose the plot. But I think that that is healthier than spending every second of every day trying to get pregnant, or thinking about getting pregnant before then. Those days are going to suck, and I just have to deal with it.

We are going to discuss surgery options with the OB in regards to the scarring on my left ovary. I thought I was doing a fantastic job of disguising the excrutiating pain I have been having, but more then a few people have talked to DP after noticing my discomfort. So now its out it the open.... It farking hurts. ALOT. Most of the time really. I am in pain from CD1 right up until about 4 days after O. So for about 18 days of each cycle, I'm in pain, no matter what movement I make. It all has to do with the maturing of eggs and actual ovulation. However on EVERY day of my cycle, If I stretch to the right too far, it hurts, because it creates pulling on the left. If I lean to far to the left, it hurts because it squashes the area that is scarred. Or it just decides to hurt for no apparent reason, like right now. So it needs to be attended to.

The past few days have been amazing. Firstly, we had absolutely fantastic sex (with a condom!!!), for no reason other than to have sex. O'ing was a pain in the a55 cause it was painful and stopped me from going about my usual things. It was an irritant, rather than that freak out time that usually meant OPK's, Maybe Baby, Green Tea, Robitussin, and well timed sex.

The instant we decided we wouldn't be TTC'ing for awhile, my head seemed to clear. The cloud that had been hovering over me for so long seemed to disappear. I have been so scared about being pregannt again. I was so so sure I would miscarry again, and I wasn't sure how I could cope. I kept telling everyone I would try once more and give up if it did not work out. I feel now though, that giving myself a chance to find some happiness again will make me stronger for next time we TTC.

I am not silly, I know when we TTC again I will become CP Checking, CM monitoring, BBT taking, Robitussin & green tea drinking, planned sex, crazy lady again. But, thats ok, I'm fine with that, I know I'll have a lot of other ladies to freak out with on BH. But for now, I'm going to have sex becasue I'm h0rny, not because my temp dropped, or spiked, or because I have EWCM.

I dont think I can give up blogging completely. There are so many journey's I want to watch unfold. TTC'ers who will get their BFP's. Those unfortunate to have experienced losses, to get to their baby after so many detours in the journey. And those who are currently waddling around, about to become wonderful parents, on a journey that will change their lives. I'm not prepared to give that up just yet. I may not be trying, but I'll be following everyone through their journey's.

So, I figured I'd post, and let you all know what was happening, instead of just disappearing into internet oblivion. I'll be lurking in the shadows, and of course, there is always facebook

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support and encouragement. Your kind words helped me through some very, very dark times this year. And you helped celebrate some happy times, long before anyone in real life knew what was going on.

If anyone ever needs a shoulder to cry on, who has any questions that they think I can help with...please msg me. I will always be here to lend support to those in need.

The book isn't finished, its just a new chapter.

Aaaaaarrrrrgggggggh

I'm farking over it. I can't handle this anymore.

Twice the Dr has pointed out that the ovarian ectopic could have killed me. IT DIDN'T. A freaking bus could hit me any day of the week.

DP wont let this go. For the FIRST time since all this has been happening dp has piped up with 'I dont think we should try again cause its your safety we're talking about'.

Fark me. Seriously. You could have told me this PRIOR to me having a catheter stuck up my freakin cervix.

I've had enough, I feel like pulling up stumps and giving the whole TTC game away.

I can't have a baby without dp - well not technically true, I can, but do not want to.

How long do I wait in hope his fears go away.

This is all too farking hard. I battle on everyday, when in reality I am absolutely broken inside.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Well I’m still in the process of having a major panic attack whilst I wait for the karotyping results. The path lab sends all genetic testing to the Children’s Hospital at Westmead, and their policy is to mail out results to the Dr, NOT to fax them like most other labs. So I am unsure whether I will even get the results this week or not. They are ready TODAY, but I have no idea when they will be sent to my Dr.

Therefore it appears I will miss out on any chance of being pregnant again in 2008 L

OB Follow up

I was extremely nervous once the Dr’s appointment had been changed. I thought the day would drag on, but it went so, so fast. Before I knew it dp and I were in the car and on our way. I honestly think that drive did more for my heart rate than any exercise ever could. Nothing like a bit of panic to get your heart rate up!!!

For the first time I had to wait to see the Dr, it was only about half an hour, which didn’t really bother me all that much. Once we were in we sat in silence for a few minutes while he read through all of the results and looked at the scan pictures.

First off he advised that the karotyping results weren’t in yet, which pi55ed me off. I had rung the pathology results area to ensure they would be ready PRIOR to making an appointment with the Obstetrician. They had told me they would be ready last week? Right, obviously?

He asked me to speak first. I told him I have recurring pain in my left ovary, before ovulation. And hence the reason I have a lot of in-depth ultrasounds of my ovaries. He said ‘oh that’s why they did that; because I knew I hadn’t requested them’. He said she must have liked me because usually they will not do anything outside of what is listed on the referral. So finally something went my way…..

He agreed that the pain would be the maturing follicles pressing on the scarred area. He also said he did not believe it was necessary to operate unless I was in too much pain. I later told dp that I would not opt for a surgery near my reproductive organs unless I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk.

The tricky part came when I was talking about the ectopic, and chances of it happening again. He said he is 90% sure I had an ovarian topic. Empty sac in uterus, large mass that kept growing in left ovary. But he could not tell me 100% that it was though, because he did not operate. He could only have told me for sure if he had operated and sighted the ovary for himself.

My concern personally is that I developed the scarring after the infection from the D&C, and that this is specifically what caused the ectopic. He said we will never know whether I scarred before or after the ectopic. But he said my chance of having an ectopic (with no history of ectopics) is 1 in 100. My chance of having an ectopic (with a history of ectopics) is 1 in 80-90. He is confident that I will carry my next pregnancy to term, barring any chromosomal abnormalities with the bubby. I’m glad he is confident, because I sure as hell am not.

My thyroid results came back at a perfect level, right in the mid range of normal. So another test can get crossed off the list.

I have therefore been given the green light to TTC this cycle, PROVIDING the results of the karotyping come back ok.

Next time I fall pregnant (please be soon, please be soon) I have to have bloods from the very beginning every 2 days to monitor BHCG and Progesterone. I have to have a scan at 6 weeks to check for an ectopic. I have to take baby aspirin from 7 weeks. And if my progesterone level is not adequate I will have to have that too. However he does not think progesterone is an issue as i do not have an LP defect.
So I have rung the pathology place again today, and have been told that my results will be ready tomorrow morning, and that hey will be faxed directly to my Dr. If I have not heard from him by lunch time, I will be chasing it up again.

HSG day

I headed home from work today at 12.00, armed with my bottle of water.

By the time I got home to shower, I was quite prepared to wet my pants already
I took a naprogesic and a voltaren as instructed, and continued to fill my bladder to expoding point.
I didn't have to wait to long, and was happy that dp could come in with me to hold my hand.
I started with the regular transabdominal u/s to get some measurements of the outside of my uterus.
She checked where both my ovaries were, and this prompted me to discuss with her my concerns with my left ovary.
After the d&c the Dr believed I may have had an infection in my left ovary based on the excessive pain I was having constantly. Ovualtion was a killer the next month. Subsequently I fell pregnant that cycle, and as we all know, it ened up being inside the left ovary.
I mentioned to her that I was having a lot of pain again at the beginning of my cycle and that I thought it was the maturing eggs pushing on some scarring or aomething like that? And that I have been spotting at ovulation also. I honestly thought she would say to bring it up with the dr (which I had planned on doing on Tuesday).
To my surprise, she said 'well go empty that bladder and we'll do a thorough 3d scan of your ovaries for you Dr also'.!!!! woohoo, I love people that get things done :)
Peeing was wonderful , and I went back for my transvaginal u/s.
My uterus looked fine again, the lining was fine, and as I knew, was recorded as retroverted. Its measurements are 69 x 36 x 47 mm. My right ovary is 25 x 15 x 16mm and has two follicles. The left ovary.......

Measures 35 x 23 x 27mm and contains 5 - 6 follicles. The left ovary appears to move with the uterine sidewall suggesting some associated adhesions possibility related to the recent ovarian ectopic.

I also have u/s pictures of the left ovary that has 'SCARRING', 'SCARRING, 'SCARRING' marked all over them

My personal opinion is that the infection caused the scarring, and the subsequent ectopic. Not the other way around. (does that make sense?) But you dont see me getting paid 100's of 1000's of dollars for my medical opinion , so I am TRYING to hang out til tuesday before I look too deeply into this.

Next was my Saline hysterosonogram. Not entirely terrible.
I had the duck bill thingy put in, and then she cleaned my cervix with something, I assume betadine. I did not feel the catheter being inserted at all, and was shocked when she said we are now going o fill the uterus with water. Ah, uncomfortable . But not as bad as I had expected. I did, however, take 2 napro's an hour before, as instructed.
So the duckbill came out and the dildocam went back in, and the saline solution kept getting pushed through. My uterus looks fine, measures fine etc etc. And I also have good tubal patency, so will probably avoid a hycosy any time in the near future.

Once they take the catheter out, the saline pours out of you and its gross. I felt like I had wet myself. Every time I move my bum to a different angle, some more squelches out.

I have a bit of spotting. But it is blood streaked CM, not full bleeding. And I was told to expet this.

So now I have to wait until Tuesday before I know whether I can TTC.

I am unsure whether the left ovary adhering to the uterus will need to be fixed? I know its a common thing with endo, and it is not always something that is acted upon. I guess its the Dr's call. My biggest fear is that I will end up with another ovarian ectopic.

I hope I can make it to Tuesday without Dr Google sending me insane.

For all those having a Saline HSG, don't stress, its not too bad.

Slowly going insane......

Where to start.....
Monday, I was told of a very young friends shock unplanned pregnancy. I congratulated her, told her I was hear to talk if she needed it. I then went home, had 3 drinks and was blind drunk. Skipping lunch was not a sensible option that day.
Tuesday, said friend flipped out at being pregnant and booked a termination. In the fifty phone calls I had with her that day, I supported her through every fear, every anxiety and every up and down. I told her that she cannot worry about other people (namely me) who have problems with having babies, but instead she needed to make a decision that was right for her. Unfortunately giving me the embryo wasn't really a viable option. She booked her termination for Friday. And I told her I would support her no matter what happened. The only advice I had was to go and see the heartbeat first, then make your decision. I did not hear from her for the rest of the day / night. We were sure that she had gobe and had the termination done that day. I came home and cried.
Wednesday, I went to work, and instantly received an email from pregnant friends work colleague and other counsellor . She had gone to work, and she had some news for me, her and her partner were having a baby. So I cried again, I was happy that she had thought about things, and made that decision. I would have supported her 100% with her termination, but I was ecstatic that she was keeping the baby.
Wednesday Night I had a massive D&M with an interstate friend who was up to visit. I was physically shaking while I told my story. I dont think I have ever had to tell the story in full from start to finish. It took a lot out of me and I was extremely emotional on the way home. However there weren't any tears.But the time I got home I had a headache, not quite a migraine, but a big enough headache to stop me from sleeping. I sat up and thoguht alot. Then tried to sleep. I t didn't work, so I thoguht some more.
Thursday (today), I woke up after minimal sleep with a screaming headache worse than when I had gone to bed. So I though 5crew it, I'm staying home. I grabbed my laptop and curled up in bed to read some of the blogs I follow. The blogs gave me some comfort, and a feeling of being part of a wider community that have to deal with IF. But by lunch I had finished reading and was thinking again. Never a good sign. And I pretty much thought myself into hysterics. I got to the point where I was sucking in the breaths just before you bawl your eyes out. And just as I was about to bawl, the musings of a pregnant blogger entered my head. And so, again, I thought 5crew it. And jumped in the damn shower fully clothed and then proceeded to bawl. DP came home about 2 minutes after I got in the shower, took one look at me fully clothed and went 'oh f*ck' and then HE got in the shower fully clothed with me. So then I snuggled into him and bawled some more. Once I had kind of snapped out of it, I looked at both of us fully clothed, and then saw the dog standing at the shhower door looking at us as though we were stark raving mad. Naturally, I grabbed the dog and put her in there with us. And for another ten minutes (til I ran out of hot water) I was the happiest I had been in awhile. I was emotionally exhausted, but I think you have to reach that point every now and then so the happiness can break down the misery and sneak in.
A couple of hours later I thought I would listen to DP's new Metallica CD, while I took a shower, unclothed, and shaved and trimmed and plucked, in preparation for tomorrows insertion of a freakin tube into my cervix, combined with another round of dildo cam.
Oh dear!!! You realise your life is at a pretty 5hit point when the new Metallica album is the anthem to your life at the moment.
We have songs such as:
The end of the line
Broken, beat & scarred
The day that never comes
All nightmare long
I did, however, have to laugh that my life had become something that Metallica could sing about. I'll give you an example of some of the words from the songs:
Like a misery that keeps me focused,
though I've gone astray,
like an endless nightmare that,
I must awaken to each day

or

I hide and feel it passing me by,
I open just in time to say goodbye,
Almost like your life,
almost like your endless fight,
curse the day is long,
realise you dont belong,
disconnect somehow
never stop the bleeding now

or

Luck. Runs. Out.
Crawl from the wreckage one more time.
Horrific memory that twists the mind.

or

You rise
You fall
You're down, then you rise again,
What dont kill ya will make you more strong.

So I did end up in fits of laughter that my sad life can be summed up by Metallica. But hell I'm 5hit scared about tomorrow, and if thats the sort of thing that makes me laugh today. So be it.
__________________

I am not dead.

I am here, I am alive.

I have my saline HSG booked tomorrow and have a million things going on in my head. SoO much that I just cant blog at the moment. I need to sort my head into some sort of order, perhaps it will allow me to write it down without sounding like a lunatic.

Briefly.....

*Saline HSG tomorrow.
*Karotyping results are back
*Thyroid results are in
*HSG, Karotyping and Thyroid results on Tuesday at appointment with OB
*Dealt with an unplanned pregnancy of a 20 y.o. Naturally I had to be the counsellor. - I did get slightly drunk once notified though :)
*Am shit scared about tomorrow


I shall return, I shall write something slightly more interesting.

Until then, for those dealing with the shit of IF and don't really know how to put their frustration into words.... I highly recommend this blog.

Catch up Posts - November

6th Nov

Still stuck in the land of bugger all happening.....
Just O'd, and had spotting again to go with it.
Am starting to wonder whether my right ovary even works?
Its not doing much.
Have absolutely nothing exciting to report, sorry.


10th Nov


I'm attempting to be positive from now on. Its my new forced state of mind. I was stressing badly leading up to the baby shower, and was pleased when I made it through the day unscathed, and without having a nervous break down. Dare I say I even enjoyed myself Survived going into the nursery for the first time too.
Last thing left is to hold the baby when he/she arrives. My guess is a few tears at that point will not send everyone into a panic that I'm emotionally distraught
HyCoSy about 2 1/2 - 3 weeks away I guess. And Am hoping once the results of that are in I can TTC again. I think it will be the last two weeks of December that I get the go ahead, PROVIDING my tests come back ok.

11th Nov


Am guessing hycosy is two weeks away not 3.
I think af is due in 7 days. I havent been keeping track with FF since the last m/c. I decided to have a break from it all. Am scared to let myself think that I have a shot at being pregnant again this year. Its all very very scary.
I'm not sure if I will be able to relax at all if I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again. Until I finally have my newborn baby in my arms, I think I will always be on tenterhooks. Now, no milestone feels safe. 12 weeks doesn't do much to alleviate my concerns. I think it will be a loooong pregnancy for me. I really hope that I will be able to enjoy being pregnant if I get there again.
Time will tell I guess!!

14th Nov


So it appears the only decent pregnant women live on the net and a few I know IRL.
Because all the ones I've seen lately are busy smoking, drinking, or cleverly multitasking and doing both.
I have a new theory on this. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, I barely even moved off the freakin lounge when I was pregnant. I've heard so much whinging from 'accidental' pregnancies. I've listened to parents tell their kids that they hated them and wished they had never been born. Granted that this sort of thing was happening prior to my miscarriages, even prior to me TTC. But my radar had not been updated with that software then. It appears my software upgrade went a bit haywire. It seems I can only focus on the 'tsk tsk' pregnant women, or the excessively mean parents.
My miscarriages have taught me not to judge MOST people. If someone is rude, distant, etc, I dont assume they are just rude human beings, I actually consider the fact that I have no idea what has happened in their lives, and I don't know what they are dealing with behind closed doors. I am more patient, I am more empathetic, I am more sympathetic, and I am genuinely more caring of people as individuals. BUT the upgrade did not extend to DRUNK pregnant women, pregnant women that whinge that their pregnancy was an accident and they don't want another little brat, or people who are obviously breeding so they just dont have to go to work.
They just 5hit me to tears. I've been up and down emotionally, so many things have been messing with my head. I've had a lot of ups though, which is great. I know many women on the net and IRL who are, nervously, pregnant after miscarriages this year. It gives me a lot of hope.
I am very very scared of my procedure which will be sometime in the next two weeks. The idea of having something inserted into my cervix while I'm AWAKE, is not a comforting thought.
DP and I are also getting our blood tests done tomorrow. We wanted to wait so we got all the results at once, and the karotyping will take 2 weeks.
But hey, only a few more weeks til 2009 bring it on I say.

Catch up posts - October

1st Oct

Still drifting along in no man's land.
HCG should be 0 now.
But we aren't going to test it again til next week.
OB rang me at 7.00pm very dedicated little Dr.
Him: Your HCG levels are good, no?
Me: Yeah excellent
Him: I told you the injection is good stuff, no?
Me: Yes I'm very glad it worked, and that I only needed one shot.
Him: When you want pregnant again?
Me: As soon as I'm allowed.
Him: You come in next week and we look at uterus, no? Oh hang on, next week public holiday, you have period then we look inside, no?
Me: No problems at all.
He cracks me up, the only 'odd' thing he does is throw in the 'no' at the end of almost every sentence. And he really refers to things as 'good stuff', he was very pleased with himself.
So I have to wait for my period, which I have no clue when will be here.
Then he can look inside, no.

2nd Oct

I did something so, so stupid.
I just played with the pregnancy calculator.
If I hadn't lost the first baby I'd be 24 weeks and 6 days.
If I hadn't lost the second baby I'd be 9 weeks and 3 days.

13 Oct

I've had a very bad couple of weeks.
Had to endure a second round of miscarrying to expel what was left in my ovary. Very very painful. After that I fell into a pretty dark mood. I wasn't sleeping, and was not at all a pleasurable person to be around. It lasted about a week, and then, after a BRILLIANT sleep, it finally lifted.
The fact that I had to go through hell AGAIN, really screwed with my head. I'm not sure when we will start trying again now. I'm thinking perhaps another year. My biggest fear is that everything will go pear shaped again. and to be honest, I am no where near able to cope with that any time soon. I finally believe I have come through all the 5hit, and all the pain. I finally feel like I am on the 'other' side of it all. And its kinda nice over here. I'm not prepared to put myself in a position where I may have to go through that again. Not yet anyways.
I'm just trying to look forward to next year. I know its not a good thing to wish time away, but I am really really over this year.
So I will re-evaluate how I feel in 2009.
But for now, I'm happy, and I want to stay like that.

15 Oct

Feeling a lot better the last few days.I obviously needed some decent nights sleep. I'm still not sure if not sleeping was making me crabby and stressed or if being crabby and stressed was making me not sleep??
Either way, am doing a lot better.
Am doing so well that I have finally found the strength I needed to begin organising my sisters baby shower. Was putting it off for so long as I just couldn't force myself to look at anything to do with the shower.
My sister on the other hand..... I LOVE playing with her belly. Have only had one instance where I was stupid enough to let my head wonder what size I would bein comparison to her. But I pushed it aside and things have gone back to being great.
Am scared though of going into the nursery when it has been set up. Everything is in there but they are all still in boxes. I think dp and I will have to venture in there one day alone. I will need him to hold me up incase I break.
TTC is off the cards for a year. I'm going overseas with family next year and do not want to be pregnant for it. I am wondering though if its a bandaid fix for my brain. I quite happy with my decision, but we'll see how I react when the Dr says, ok you can start trying again????? Only time will tell I guess.


17 Oct

Feeling better seems to be the story of the week.
A lot happier, and feeling a lot healthier.
Not having the consistent pain I was getting last week.
I seem to have been given a week off YAY
Full steam ahead with the baby shower, and I have pretty much everything organised, except for the decorations. But I already know where I plan on getting those, so just need to get mum when she has a free moment to come and help me select them.
Not much else happening in baby related news. I have to wait for af before I can schedule another appointment with my OB.
He rang last week as my mum and my sister had told him I was depressed. He said do I want to come in straight away.
I told him I wasn't depressed, that I was stressed, and hadn't been sleeping. That there was no cause for alarm, I had just had a 5hit week. My mother has a massive tendancy to over-react. If you're sad that = depression. A bit strange considering she's been a nurse for 20 years and should know the difference between pi55ed off and depression. I spend alot of time planning how I will speak to her about different things. Trying very hard not to upset her, she's become very positive about my sisters baby, and I dont want to jeopardise that.

22 Oct

I got af today.
First af since m/c # 2 this year.
Feel a bit odd.
It coincided with a pregnancy announcement from work.
At lunch everyone was talking loudly across the floor about whether its a girl or boy etc etc. The girl is only 6 weeks. She actually made a formal announcement about it. gathered up the entire department and told us all. All 60 of us........
Oh well, maybe my turn next year.

23 Oct

Well I guess I should explain why I was pretty crabby in my last post.
Yes, yes af arriving 10 seconds after a pregnancy announcement is a fairly good reason for being 5hitty........ But that wasn't the entire reason.
Once I realised af arrived, I immediately called my Dr and made the earliest appointment. As per my Dr's instructions last month. So all that was scheduled, and then I got to thinking......What if he cant find anything wrong? I'm not concerned if he finds a septum. Thats a reasonable and acceptable reason for multiple losses. And it can be fixed, most times very very successfully. But if he finds nothing, well then what?
Then there will be hystopingowhatchamacallits, and hysteroscodoovies, and to be honest. I dont want tooooooooo.
I'm having an 'i'm over it' kind of week. I still want to be pregnant, I still want a bubba'. But I guess I'm just 5hit scared this time.

27 Oct

tomorrow is the big day.
I'm 5hit scared to be honest.
I've had areally bad and emotional day.
fingers crossed I have some sort of news tomorrow.

27th Oct

So I think I need to write down how I'm really feeling. Rather than putting 4 or so lines....
I had a bad day, I was sick and also nervous about tomorrow. I had a really bad sleep last night, and dp only had 2 hours sleep before heading to work for 16 hours.
Then I came home and read what a friend went through today, and that made me so so sad for her. Which again made me angry that people have to go through this at all. I had just finished reading all of her posts, and was listening to the 3 feral kids two doors up SCREAMING, all three of them. And I was listening to their mum say she wished she never had kids. Which stirred up a million emotions.
DP walked in, after 16 hours at work in the heat, and the first thing he said was....... glad I dont have to come home to that (i.,e the screaming kids). I KNOW what he meant (the kids are wild - parents practically ignore them), BUT it was the timing. And I burst into tears. I had finally worked out why I had been feeling 'better'. My friend spelt it out for me. I had finally begun to perhaps believe that my miscarriages weren't my fault. That perhaps I have something that is interfering with being able to carry successfully. And then I got hit with reality. Is tomorrow my turn to find out that there is nothing wrong. That there is no medical reason why I lost my babies. That the empty feeling that I feel everyday will never go away?
I try to be strong everyday, but some days it all just piles up on you. Today was that day. And to make matters worse, in what can only be described as an act of pure stupidity.....
I decided to look through my belly pics. I loved my belly. I looked at a couple of pics as the little bump grew, until I got to the last pic. Which was when I realised that it was taken the night before I found out I had lost the first baby. I was so so happy. And in less than 24 hours that was all taken away. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest I have ever been. In 24 short hours.
And to be honest, I've never gotten back up from that. Sure I was excited that I fell pregnant again, but I was also petrified. So 4 months after my first m/c, I'm still stuck in no mans land. And the longer it lasts, the more I believe that this is how I feel for the rest of my life. Sure I put on a happy face, I play the part that needs to be played at any given time. But inside I am totally and utterly broken.So my question is, What the fark do I do? Talk to someone? How much more can I talk about this? I have an extended medical family with whom I have discussed this with indepth. So where to now?
Every time you think you are getting on top of it, something happens and knocks you back down to the ground. So how am I supposed to feel about tomorrow. On one hand, I dont want anything to be wrong. Who would actually want there to be a problem, realistically. But on the other hand, if there is a problem, than I may have a reason. And I am beginning to think that a REASON outways being REALISTIC any day of the week So if you have any ideas how the hell to straighten out my brain, my emotions, my life - feel free to let me know!!!!!!!

28th Oct

Dr's appointment went ok.
My left ovary is back to normal and functioning fine.
HyCoSy scheduled for Day 7 of next cycle. I'm currently on Day 6, so a full month to go.
Have referral for blood tests for my thyroid and then for karotyping for both myself and dp. The best part was... he bulk billed the karotyping, which I have heard is expensive.

Catch up post - September

Ok, so I went MIA. I lost my internet for a month. I lost my mind for a couple of months lol.

I'm here. And I have sooooo much to post. I'll do it in a couple of big posts. In chronological order.

24th Sept
I have been on a pretty great high all day, after the fantastic news about my HCG.But now, now I'm a bit low. What do I do now?
I spent two weeks trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. But thats past, I survived that and made it through to the other side.
I was waiting for my hcg to drop. Its dropped. Now how do I not think about TTC for the next three months. Especially considering I still have to have regular blood tests til I get to 0. I have to have follow up testing. First plan is aan ultrasound (when I'm down to 0) to check that the mass has dissapated on my ovary. Next is a hysteropingogram to check for damage from the D&C as well as the ectopic.
But what I am left wondering is......How do I go from procedure to prodcedure without 'thinking' about having a baby. I can't do anything about it. I can not TTC for another 2 and half months. I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a long time. It would be easy to distract myself if I wasn't having regular blood tests. It would be easy if I was not planning to have things stuck up my hoo ha in the near future.
Mmmmmm not sure what to do

26 Sept

Feeling a bit brighter today.Fascinated with playing with my finger as it is all messed up. I severed a nerve so I have that weird tingling, numb feeling when I poke at it. Wont know if I regain proper sensation for up to six months!!!!I think the shifting weather is wreaking havoc on my moods. I'm in a cr@ppy mood when its cold, but feel more optimistic when it is hot, like today.Heading out tomorrow night, and even plan on ringing the OB to ask if I'm allowed to partake in a beverage as yet???

29 Sept

Day 0 - 2700
Day 4 - 2630
Day 7 - 2320
Day 11 - 2030
Day 14 - 187
Day 18 - 18