Arcuate Uterus and EGGS!

So today I had my Ultrasound.
My shriveled up ovaries have some  good, mature follicles ready for O any time now. There is a "Prominent  Uterine Arcuate and pelvic adnexal vessels". This seems to mean there is  a 'dip' in the top of my uterus. Google suggests it is the lesser  concerning type of uterine malformation that occurs. I wonder though  whether this is a new development after pregnancy as I have never seen  this mentioned EVER in previous ultrasounds (and there have been a lot.
The  most stark item on the report (for me). G12P2. 12 pregnancies and 2  children. That is insane. Part of me wonders what the hell I am doing.

I  sat back this afternoon and read through this entire blog.  from my 2 major losses in 2008. I was so very lost.  So broken. I have come such a long way since then. Even reading back on  it it feels so surreal. It was so intense, clearly the worst year of my  life. But reading back on it I feel so, so very sad for 27 year old me.  It really reminded how much my eldest daughter's birth genuinely saved  my heart and soul.

So today's results..... I fell like this is  all going to come back to "bad luck:". Nothing significant that is  causing the losses, just another turn at bad luck. There has never been a  reason. I've had 9 losses now. 9. 9 losses with no real connection.  Nothing that signifies a simply problem. well, actually, nothing that  signifies any problem at all. These latest losses could just simply be  poor egg quality from an ageing reserve.
I did read some articles  that refer to "super fertile women". So women who conceive and implant  eggs that really should never make it that far. That would be one of the  things that make the most sense. I am super fertile. I usually get  pregnant if my husband just looks at me at the right time of the month.

Part of me thinks that the OBGYN is going to give me two options....
1. continue on and try naturally for as long as we can handle it emotionally
2. IVF with full PGD testing to ensure a healthy embryo.

I  was willing to do a medicated cycle, but my gut tells me that wont be  on offer. I think that the fact that you can see a dozen or more eggs  maturing on the scan will limit any medication use for the risk of  multiples.

It's all speculation I guess. Once again we continue  on try naturally this month (O imminent from scan) and then if not  successful we will go from there. OBGYN is first week of April on about 7  or 8 dpo. so just that tiny little bit too early to know if this month  is successful or not.

and for your viewing pleasure we even have pics!

Life, Children, And recurrent Miscarriages AGAIN

HELLO!!!
It's been 5 years or so since I updated this.
I snuck away to a pregnancy blog to document the pregnancy of our first child.
After my miracle girl arrived we lost another pregnancy (assumed by OB as an ectopic, but unconfirmed).

Next time round we were successful and we had our second little girl 2 1/2 years after the first.

We held off trying for a third (my idea) because Little Miss 2.5yr old had a huge stage of being a cranky chicken. Once her terrible 2's stage backed off a bit I felt more ready mentally.

Of course, as usual, we fell pregnant straight away. It lasted 5 days. The next cycle was a BFN, but we had really bad timing over Xmas due to the chaotic hours we were working. Month 3 of trying and another BFP...... that lasted a few days. Month 4 and another BFP.  This time I was confident. it was 10DPO, the line was visible without having to squint. My husband could see it, no squinting involved - proof enough that it was a real line! It even photographed well (clearly important when analysing with the two closest friends about it). The line was still good that night. It looked about the same the next morning. It was fainter in the PM. The next day it was definitely lighter in the AM. It got lighter and eventually I got AF (super heavy) a few days late. So I'm now having recurrent early pregnancy loss around implantation. Because this journey can never freaking be easy for me.

Saw the OB on CD2 and put together an investigation plan. 
Once again we have had a heap of bloodwork. Tomorrow I am booked in for a scan to check out my ovaries and uterus. 
We are allowed to try naturally again this cycle while we are undergoing testing. OUr next OB appt isnt until the first week of April. 

Bloodwork was done late on CD 3 but really it was only 36 hours into the start of the cycle. (Late PM arrival, OBGYN next day, Bloods following morning).

My AMH is 6.7 pmol/L
this translates into .9 ng/ml

So clearly I am now of "advanced maternal age" - such a lovely phrase.


FSH - 5.4 IU/L - I believe this is normal

Prolactin - 74 mIU/L - this is low but I dont think that is an issue

New Blog

In a desperate attempt to prove my positivity to the world (and myself), I some how came up with the idea that a new Pregnancy Blog was in order.

I named it "Shh I'm Pregnant" as no one besides DP (and the internet people :) ) know I'm pregnant.

The new blog is here, its empty hahaha, but I hope you'll take a trip over there and follow me on this ride.

Shh I'm Pregnant


.

4 Weeks and 1 Day Pregnant

OMFG

Hormones are making me have a meltdown already. But I'll get to that later......

Woke up to a temp increase, now cruising at 37.2 degrees!!! And a masssive case of nausea. Got up and had a quick sip of juice and felt a tad better. Then brushed my teeth to the ever present blood.

Once I got to work I just couldn't stomach my toast. I didn't feel like I was going to be sick, I just decided to have an instant aversion to vegemite toast. So I only ended up having a single slice of toast and my good ol' decaf coffee. Come morning tea I wasn't reaally hungry but decided to eat (feels like the right thing to do). After one corn/rice cake thingy it was like it sent my body a signal and next thing my stomach was grumbling like crazy and I could have eaten the whole packet!! The rest of the day went pretty smoothly, and I'm making a conscious effort to not draw attention to my stomach at all. I have a habit of holding my lower belly getting in and out of chairs when I'm pregnant. I'm pretty sure that that is how my sister worked out I was pregnant back in July 08.

When I got home I was exhausted!!! Where does that sudden onset of sheer exhaustion come from? I was considering whether I could go to sleep at 6pm and be able to sleep the whole way through!!! Instead I did a little light cleaning, and just tried to keep myself distracted as I was starting to feel emotional - no way I could have predicted the category 1 breakdown I was about to have.

At some point DP and I were talking about random things and he made a comment about the Metallica concert. I said there is no way I'll be going to that concert while I'm pregnant. And dp said yeah I didn't really think about you being pregnant that far into the future. And that's when it clicked, neither of us can actual picture me carrying this baby successfully. He wasn't being mean or unkind, he was just experiencing things the same way that I was. And that my friends is when I lost my *insert swear word*.

I think I came close to having a full blown panic attack. Must say, they're pretty crap. I was BAWLING and gasping for breath. And blubbering out incoherently that "my b-b-b-b-b-body is a f-f-f-f-f-f-failure at this" and "I'm not g-g-g-g-g-g-oood at b-b-b-b-b-b-eing p-p-p-p-pregnant" sniff sniff, blow snotty nose, wipe eyes with same tissue and realise that you may have put snot in your eyes, cue more bawling and ramblings of "n-n-n-ow there's s-s-s-snot in my eyes".

OH MY GOD I lost it. And it lasted for about two hours. DP could not calm me down. Because I'd get sooooo worked up and then worrying about what harm this was possibly doing to the baby and that would set me off again. It was a very vicious cycle. Everytime I would gasp for breath I would feel my whole body tighten and I just keep thinking about what this was doing to my baby.

My body IS crap at this. Its got a baaaad track record with pregnancy. And what I realised tonight is that one of two things are going to happen... I'm going to have a baby, or I'm going to have a miscarriage. It's unavoidable. One of those things is going to happen. And I can't be excited about one, because the fear of the over is to raw. If I get excited, and I lose this baby, I think my TTC days will be done. Its one to be positive, and I am doing that. I haven't run out and booked an immediate scan, like I really really want to. Instead I'm waiting til my first OB appointment in 3 weeks. I'm eating well and doing everything to nourish the life I'm creating. But I also look at it from the other perspective. If anything does go wrong, I need to be able to say with full confidence that I did everything I could possible do. So in my positivity I am also preparing myself for the worst. Its an emotional battle.

I hope that the next three weeks don't ruin me emotionally. I'm already tired, and the massive crying sessions just make it worse.

Please stick baby, you have no idea how much you are wanted

4 Weeks Pregnant

Well today was the never ending day of crying. I was so totally and utterly emotinally screwed uo today. Not sure why to begin with. I BAWLED.... at work. And I could not stop it. And then a girl had work had a m/c today, I'd know since basically conception :) and was sooooo devstated for her and her husband. The poor girl just lost the innocence of pregnancy. And so I continued bawling.

I bawled so much that eventually I decided that it would be a sensible idea to go home. Got home and rang my partner, he pretty much couldn't understand anything I said, which I think scared the daylights out of him as he assumed something was wrong. Poor man asked why I was 'crying over nothing' which set me off yet again. Took my awhile to realise that I'd scared him into thinking something was wrong again, and he wasn't just being mean to the overly emotional pregnant woman.

I feel a bit sore and full in my uterus, which is very scary. I 'knew' I was pregnant the second time because of the full feeling in my uterus. That turned out to be an ectopic :( Its like a burnign 'hot' feeling and its a tad worrying. I'm just not sure what 'normal' is anymore. No idea how I will get through 3 weeks of thid before my scan. Very scared today. Worried I cried the baby out of position hahaha. I was sooo emotional, and I had some crampy after I stopped. I hope everything is ok in there.

3 Weeks and 6 Days Pregnant

Going to bed last night I was totally exhausted. But I just couldn’t fall asleep. I kept tossing and turning and trying to get comfy. Hence I woke up this morning feeling like absolute crap. My temp was 37.1 but I think that I may have been restless in the hours leading up to my alarm time.
I finally got up and first call of duty was to pee on my final HPT. I was very happy to see that it was much darker again. And I hadn’t had any more bleeding / spotting. After that I spent forever just procrastinating in front of the heater, caught up a little in the excitement that was a darker HPT than yesterday.
I went to the Medical Centre and was so pleased to find I had an AWESOME lady running pathology today. She said well why don’t we make these urgent and you can have your results this afternoon!!! Woo Hoo. Then I went and got a decaf coffee – blergh – I’ll just go without I think!!!
During the day at work I was tired on and off and had bouts of nausea throughout the day on and off. I really really want to eat ALL THE TIME, but nothing really appeals to me. I am however, craving meat. I can’t wait to get home and eat my steak!! I am going to have to learn how to cook it well done without burning it. Actually DP is the masterchef at our place; I’ll let him look after it, although I'm sure it goes against some special code to cook a steak well done!!

One of my biggest issues is that while I'm eating I feel good, but as soon as I stop the nausea returns. I thought about gum, but not really a fan, and that would probably just stimulate my saliva and stomach acids more.
I really need to find something that I can graze on during the day that won’t make me put on 25 kilos in the first 6 weeks J Please PM me if you have anu good ideas.

I got my results back this afternoon.....

11 DPO BHCG = 35
13 DPO BHCG = 115

So it more than doubled in 44 hours Mini-milestone 1 completed

Tomorrow I'll be 4 weeks and that will be another little step.

I truely am so excited, but fear is at the core of every emotion I have. I am so so scared that this will be taken away from us again. And I know that there is nothing I can do to change that fate. I'm eating right, looking after myself and doing all the things needed to facilitate a healthy and sustaiable pregnancy. There is nothing else I can do. If things go south this time, I think there will be a massive gap until we ever TTC again. DP just couldn't handle another loss.

But, we're being positive. This time, we're going to get a real live baby at the end!!!

3 Weeks and 5 Days Pregnant

So a little bit of whats happened might be in order!!!!

I got a BFN at 9 DPO, and was left with one IC test and First Responses. I really didn't want to use an FR's until I was at a remotely sane DPO. Not like the 7 dpo I had used the first one on

On the morning of 10DPO DP was restless and the dog wanted to play, and I was just buggered. It was frustrating the daylights out of me that everyone was awake at 6am on a Saturday morning. DP thought it was hysterical. But I was simply exhausted. I slept for another couple of hours thank god. So with FMU on 10 DPO I got up and tested with the IC. There was no real line to see. About an hour later I picked the test up and there was kind of a line. It was one of those lines that had to be on the right angle, in the right light, with the squinitng eyes. But I 'knew' it wasn't an evap. If I had given the test to DP (or any man for that matter) I can guarantee that they would not have seen a second line. I was quietly confident on the inside, but kept it to myself. During the day if I didn't eat when I thought about it, my tummy felt a little queasy. And I all I wanted was chilli sauce from Oporto's for lunch - that should have been a giveaway . I decided that from then I'd hold my pee for four hours and test again with a First Response. I managed to last about an hour and a half before I thought my bladder would explode. I almost didn't test but realised I had a spare for the next morning anyway. So at 4 in the afternoon of 10 DPO I POAS. And OMFG it was a . It was a faint line, but obvious, and no squinting required! I didn't tell DP. I wanted to get bloods done first. Actually I wanted to make sure that it wasn't in my ovary before I told him. He had massive issues when Dr repeatedly told us I could die from the Ovarian Ectopic.

11 DPO I POAS again with FMU, and got a darker positive, still faint, but darker then the afternoon before. I went to Dr's to get my antenatal panel and my B-HCG. With my history he gave me a repeat series for B-HCG, so I am actually going back tomorrow to see if they double.

2 hours after I got home I caved and told DP, so much for keeping it a secret til I knew it was in the right place He was exactly the same as me, a little excited, a lot nervous.

I did yet another HPT in the arvo and it was darker again. And hour after that I had some spotting. A little bit of brown and a little bit of red. I practically had a nervous breakdown. I cried for the excitement, the fear, the nervousness, the hope and every other emotion I'd have over all my pregnancies. The thought of this getting taken away before 4 weeks was so scary. But then there wasn't any more. And I thought perhaps it might be an implantation bleed. I had a MASSIVE temp dip at 9 DPO, so I'm hoping that implantation is the answer

I woke up on 12 DPO in asbolute fear of going to the bathroom and with a massive miagraine from my cryfest. I managed to hold it til 9am and went and POAS again. There was a little bit of brown in my CM but nothing that appeared fresh. HPT was darker again, and I resolved to spend the day in bed resting. Had another teeny tiny blob of pink in the early arvo, but now its back to being a bit creamy, with no real discolouration. I got my B-HCG results back and at 12pm on 11DPO they were 35. So blood test again in the morning and pray that the numbers have doubled.

I am so nervous, so terribly excited. I can't believe I'm pregnant again. Part of me thinks that surely its our turn to have a baby this time!! And then I thnk that there is still so much time for something to go wrong. I get a pain on my left side and I think oh no it's in my ovary again! I try and think positive that 'hey I've had an implant bleed' - never had one of those!!! So maybe this is a good thing.

It's hard, it's exciting, it's frightening and its emotionally draining, and I'm only 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant

Mini milestones. 4 weeks on Wednesday. Find out on Wednesday if BHCG has doubled. 5 or 6 weeks will find out if it's in the right spot!! I hope the OB says 6 weeks because if everything is ok, I'd like to be able to see the heartbeat

I'll ring the OB and the morning and I guess we go from there. Progesterone and Aspirin are definite possibilities too!

Thank you to those who have sent words of congratulations, support and encouragement. It really is so wonderful to have so much support, and I appreciate it so much. Especially because the only person who knows IRL is DP. Think sticky thoughts for us please!

P.S the lines on the test are much darker in real life!!!

3 weeks and 3 Days pregnant

BFP - OMG

Due the 23rd February, 2011.

I tested this morning and got a very very very faint second line on an Internet Cheapie Test. It was so faint I considered it might even be an evap line. I had a First Response Test and deicided to 'hold it' for four hours and test at 6pm. Well I managed to hold it for about an hour an a half, and decided to just do the test anyway, I had another if it was neg -.

Very obvious second (but not dark as control line). Not bad for afternoon urine at 10 DPO.

So excited, by so nervous. I want to be hopeful but I automatically think there are so many things that can go wrong from here, so just wait!!!! My partner doesn't know yet. He freaked out during the ovarian ectopic when the Dr said it could kill me - actually the Dr repeatedly told us I could die. DP didn't take that so well. So I'm going to have 3 bloods over 5 days and if they continue to double, I'll assume its not an ectopic and tell DP so he can be there for the very early scan I'll have.

Just wanted to share it - now off to freak out, and be quietly excited!!!

CD 23 - 7 dpo Temp – 36.7

I tested this morning with an IC – cause I’m crazy like that….
No surprises that once again it was a BFN.

Possible symptoms today have been:
I had some more blood while brushing my teeth, and little bit of blood when I blew my nose.
A lot of pain around my right ovary (the non-screwed up one) it was very painful and recurred on and off for half an hour around 11.15am.
Couldn’t handle the smell of a banana – it was just so so strong. And I kept asking everyone in the office “do you smell it, do you smell it”.
Ate hot chips and the taste of salt was just gross – like it was a thousand times stronger than any salt I had ever eaten.

Ooh and last night I had a bit of a pulling sensation ‘inside’ my left (.)(.)

For some reason that cannot be explained, I decided at lunch to go to the shop and get a First Response Test so I could POAS again. I have problems  maybe I’m making up for the two years where I haven’t POAS? The worst part is……. I’m actually a little sad it was negative. How ridiculous. I’m 7DPO, my chances of getting a BFP were 0.000000001%. Even with the ectopic I didn’t get my first BFP until 9 DPO.

I’m very , very quickly being reminded of how much TTC sucks.

CD 22 - 6 DPO

Sooooo 6 DPO. Not much happening. POAS, funnily enough it was negative – I have 6 tests….. so I can POAS every second day until af is due and still have spares. Well that is my reasoning J
I spent the majority of last night on a 2WW website looking at everyone’s different symptoms at each DPO. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I spat out a whole heap of blood. Well I had the biggest grin because of it. Bleeding gums is a great symptom. And I’ll hold onto it until I get any other sign that can be dramatically twisted and turned into another symptom HAHAHA.

The worst part about this whole thing is that if it is negative I still have to wait another 3 weeks til I O. Which makes it another 5 weeks before I could be pregnant. It’s just frustrating. I know I’m being whiny and sooky and I’m sorry. I know some people have it harder than us (poor buggers L)

You should have seen me at 6.30am squinting at my freshly peed on stick to see if I could even imagine a line. I couldn’t even fake an imaginary line at 6 DPO!!!!! I left it in the drawer in the bathroom so I can go home and try and imagine a line after 9 hours. “Read your test within 10 minutes” – pfft where is the fun in that!!! If I have an evap line I will get a good 3 or 4 hours of entertainment out of that – trying to decide if it’s actually a line or an evap.

Since 8am every hour on the hour I have been starving – tummy grumbling. I went and ate a plain cracker between morning tea and lunch it was that bad!!

12.10PM – weird burning sensation on the right side of my uterus / ovary area. Lasted about 20 seconds went away and came back for another 5 seconds. Checked my pants weren’t tight there and they weren’t even touching that area. Will be interesting to see if anything comes of it. Will be even more interesting if I were to have an implantation dip tomorrow or some spotting!!! Fingers crossed for implantation and spotting J
Ooooh spotting. Who thought I’d ever get so excited about spotting!!! Even to the point where I’m hoping for it.

2.15Pm - Really strong sharp paind on my lowere rights hand side. I swear if there is a bbay in my ocvary againi'll be really really pi55ed off!!! Babies go in the Uterus NOT IN OVARIES - are you listening in there.

I might add some more throughout the day if anything comes up. Beats working I guess.

Kinda TTC

So here we sit at 5 DPO …… temps actually look like the same as they did at the beginning of my pregnancy in July 2008. But they could always look like this – I haven’t had a proper temping cycle in a couple of years really. However, if I am pregnant I am highly positive that the eggie is clever enough to NOT implant in my ovary this time……
I want to test. I KNOW there will be no chance in the world of getting any form of accurate result. But seriously, that doesn’t stop me from wanting to test. Stupid, I know. I’m trying to hold out to Friday – which will be 9 DPO and the earliest I’ve gotten a BFP before. Again, we will not take into consideration that it was in my ovary!!
I’ve violated my cervix and have vowed that from now I’m only allowed to check it twice a day – once in the morning and once at night. Not every single time I go to the bathroom, or walk past a bathroom, or think of a bathroom!!! I’m sure after a certain number of times it goes beyond just checking but I can’t help it!!! It’s like my ridiculous need to POAS at 5 DPO.
I’m a little nauseous – prob cause DP’s phone was off, last time that happened he was in an accident
I’m a little tired – probably from the crappy sleep I had
I’ve got a little break out – probably from the half a block of chocolate I ate over the weekend.
I’m having a lot of twinges in my right ovary – which I’m not really comfortable with as its supposed to be the GOOD ovary.
The only real ‘symptom’ I have that I don’t have a rational explanation for is my CM. it ‘feels’ like its very wet down there, but if I check its not. My CM is maybe a mix between creamy and watery, but it just has the sensation of being wet. That’s something I never get.

I’m not 100% hopeful for this month – no, I lie – I AM hopeful, I’m just not 100% confident. I had EWCM on day 12 and 13 and DTD both of these days in the PM. But I didn’t O until CD16 – which gives me a -4 and -3 BD prior to O – not GREAT. But hey I had the EWCM and used Preseed. So maybe we have a shot.
I have searched the absolute bejeebus out of the FF chart gallery to find pregnancy charts with -4 or -3 BD’s before O. there are actually heaps and heaps of them!!! And every day I just want the day to hurry up because the sooner I go to bed the sooner I can wake up and take my temp.Please, please, please world let this be our turn for a BFP that results in a happy healthy baby. These BFP’s that don’t have babies at the end are a real buzz kill!!!!

Best of luck everyone.

HERE is my Fertility Friend Chart if anyone wants to see it!!

Um did we just TTC?

3rd May, 2010

So for some really really strange reason unknown to both myself and dp...... we DTD, unprotected, knowing full well that i'm around O time.
I have no idea what either of us were thinking. We will not be back on the TTC bandwagon just yet. But for some reason we thought we'd just not worry this time.So that officially gives me a test date! I can't remember the last time I had a test date other than for a blood test - hahaha.
I haven't had a 2ww for ages. its probably O day or 1 DPO at the most and I'm already freaking out!!!!!I went online and purchased 25 IC tests so i can test to my hearts content. If I'm not pregnant, I'll be disappointed. If I AM pregnant I'll be scared 5hitless!!!!

27th May, 2010

Due to an ovarian cyst that screwed up my ovulation, DTD unprotected had no real impact on anything.My cycle was 2 days longer and I’m now currently sitting on CD10. I’m going to do an OPK this afternoon to see if anything comes up. I doubt it would this early. I haven’t ovulated at CD10 for about 2 and a half years! I don’t think we are actually trying again.
I just think we aren’t going desperately out of our way to ensure it doesn’t happen. I don’t think either of us are quite ready for the full on TTC lifestyle again.
Sometimes we are safe, sometimes we aren’t. it really depends on each individual situation. Sometimes it’s just more convenient to be safe that it is to be ‘trying’ – if that makes any sense.
We are back to enjoying se)( for se)( and not because it is time for me to ovulate – therefore bed – NOW.
I am finding the idea of parenthood quite daunting. I was so confident and excited and READY when we were TTC last time. And then when I was pregnant I was overjoyed and beyond excited – I never had any doubts or concerns. I think maybe this is just a bit of a self-protective measure to avoid getting hurt. If I can’t imagine being a parent, then perhaps if another pregnancy fails I won’t be as devastated? I know that’s a big lot of crap – but I think maybe subconsciously that’s what’s happening? Who knows, my body is weird so I wouldn’t be surprised if my brain is too !
Looking at perhaps having another ‘kind of’ attempt this month?
Have about 2 days to decide, so we better get cracking!!!!

Toxoplasmosis, Cytomegalovirus, Glandular Fever.....

I guess I haven't really been forthcoming with information on being sick, having toxo, and just the past twelve months in general. So i figured I should get it all out there.

In March 2009 I had an Influenza vaccination.... I ended up with worst dose of the flu I've ever had. A week after I fnally got over it, the symptoms started again. I had a niggling tight feeling in my throat, and was anticipating the flu that was to follow. It didn't come. I went to the dentist to see if the burning taste in my throat was an infection in a tooth or something similar. When that turned up nothing, I went to the local Dr to see what he thought. I was originally diagnosed with Relux, and placed on a PP Inhibitor. This had no impact on the symptoms either. I went to see a different Dr and explained my sore throat - this time the Dr asked me 'if I was tired'. I bawled my eyes out and told him I was totally and utterly exhausted. I was so tired that I almost had a nervous breakdown at the thought of having to have a shower, and then drive for an hour to have dinner with friends. I broke down and sobbed hysterically. I started a fight with my partner and made him go without me. I explained that no matter how much I slept, I still felt exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. And that working 40 hours a week was the extent of my activities. The rest of the time I slept. I had ignored the tiredness until then as I just assumed it was because I had been emotinal around he time of my two due dates in the beginning of 09.

The Dr tested for a 'few different things' and I went about my sleeping, working, sleeping routine.

When I went to get my results the first question the Dr asked me was 'how many hours do you work'. I told him I work fulltime, so 40 hours work 8 hours travel, minimum, per week. He told me he had no idea how I managed to continue to function with what I had. (He scared the crap out of me). Turns out I had Cytomegalovirus (CMV), Glandular Fever (called mononucleosis in America), and Toxoplasmosis - all at once. One of these alone can create fatigue and general tiredness. But by having all three at once, the Dr was surprised I could manage to do anything at all. The symptoms are all very, very similar, hence the reason I was tested for all three. The Dr assumed I would have one of them, he never imagined I would have all 3.

Those who have been preganant or TTC will probably be aware that Toxo and preganancy don't mix .... Toxo can actually cause miscarriage. We wont even go into how many times my partner and I have discussed whether or not the Toxo caused maybe even 1 of my miscarriages. Toxo causes miscarriage and CMV causes birth defects and/or developmental issues. We had discussed taking TTC off the agenda for 2009, and these results forced our hand.

I spent the next 3 months being too exhausted to do anything other than work and sleep. I don't think we could have made a baby even if we were allowed, I was too tired to even think about sex. My wonderful partner did everything. He worked 70 - 80 hours a week and then he cooked and cleaned every single day. I concentrated on trying to get healthy, taking beneficial vitamins, and not collapsing in the shower.

One day in November, I wasn't so bone dead tired, and thought it must have all passed. The next round of blood tests showed that I was over the CMV, was over the Glandular Fever, but the Toxo was still active. I started to worry that TTC was off the cards for 2010 as well!

I had bloods taken on Saturday. And now I am literally sitting next to the phone waiting for it to ring to find out whether dp and I get to have the 'are we going to try to have a baby' discussion. Cross your fingers for me!!!!!

Welcome to 2010

Welcome to 2010.

In 2008 I had thousands of posts on numerous pregnancy websites. In 2009 I maybe had twenty....

9 months after my initial diagnosis and I STILL have toxoplasmosis. My body is incapable of being normal. No one else has toxo for 9 months... seriously - we can't even discuss having a baby!!!

I want to go back to my pregnancy websites. I want to experience a 2ww again - (but i'd like to be pregnant quickly please). I check in on people and I find some fabulous women are PREGNANT and I have this emotional rush of joy. Then i think ****, how will i be when I get pregnant!!!

Ok, so not much to tell, just wanted to drop in here and say hi. I'm still alive, diseased, but still alive.

Hi,

Remeber me : )

Life has been chaotic with Xmas, New years and so so many birthdays, mine included.

My sister is due in 19 days, her OB thinks she will go by the end of next week.
The end of next week is my original due date.

What are the chances of that happening? My guess is a HUGE chance. I decided I'm not really ok with the baby coming on my due date. I know I have no say, but I would rather the chance to grieve, to feel all the hurt and the pain. I want the day for me. Just once :(

But at the end of the day what I really want is for my niece or nephew to arrive happy and healthy when he or she is ready :)

Progression

I am progressing. I was in the room with a lot of other people when a pregnancy was announced via speaker phone. I said congratulations and ooh’ed and ah’ed about her son being an older brother etc etc.

That may all sound like standard behaviour that happens everyday. But it hasn’t been like that for me for awhile. Um for about 14 months actually.

In the early stages of TTC, pregnancy announcements sucked because I wasn’t pregnant yet. When I was pregnant pregnancy announcements sucked cause I couldn’t share my news with anyone other than family because it was too early. When I lost my babies, pregnancy announcements just sucked, full stop. But now….. Now they are cool. I was genuinely happy for this person, which surprised me a little :)

The smile wasn’t fake, nor was the congratulations. And to be honest, I’ve faked it in the past, a lot recently.

So I’m making progress. Now just to hold my niece or nephew for the first time, who is due so close to my original due date. I really believe bubby will come on my due date, and although I would prefer it not too, if it does, it will allow me to celebrate that day for the rest of my life. Rather than fear it.

Having a rant

Ok, be prepared, I’m about to have a rant and a rave.

A friend of mine just lost her baby. The pregnancy came as a surprise. She was not sure if she was prepared or not. She decided they were stable enough to offer a baby a chance at a good life. They decided to keep the baby. 1 week later she had a miscarriage.

Now, upon telling people she had lost the baby, she was met with the following statements:
*everything happens for a reason
*well it wasn’t planned anyway
*next time everything will be fine
*you’re very young, consider it a blessing

I would just like to point out a few ‘problems’ I have with these comments.

*Everything happens for a reason
Right, what reason is that exactly? To make me miserable? To make me never be able to enjoy a pregnancy without freaking out about losing another baby? Or why, it happened because there was something wrong with my baby? – that’s great, now my body is incapable of making a healthy baby. Will it always be like this, or is my body just hopeless?
No matter what reason you thought this was a sensible comment to tell someone – IT IS NOT. She feels like 5hit, and there is no reason you can give her that makes it ok that this happened.

*Well it wasn’t planned anyway.
And? Your point is? So it wasn’t planned, does that mean I loved my baby less than you? Pfft, you’re kidding right. I can’t imagine that all the children out there running around in the world are loved on levels that are measured by whether they were planned or not. Alternatively, if someone can manage to fall pregnant by accident, are you jealous? Did it, or is it taking you a long time to fall pregnant and the pure truth is your jealous someone else did it without trying?

*Next time everything will be fine
Says who? Unless you have a time machine and can tell me my next pregnancy will be fine, shut up. I wanted it to be fine this time. Do you think that if next time everything IS fine, that I will magically forget about the baby I lost? I lost my baby, everything is not fine NOW, why are you trying to talk to me about next time?

*You’re very young, consider it a blessing
Do I even need to elaborate? Age does not determine how much you grieve your child. Granted, women in their later years may be more panicked that they are running out of time. Hell I’m 28 and scared I’ve left it too long; I imagine older women would feel that anguish a lot stronger. But that does not mean that it is a good thing to happen because someone is younger. The child was wanted, which in turn makes a miscarriage devastating. Left with what ifs and what could have been’s. Perhaps someone younger may even take it harder than what I would, maybe they are yet to deal with guilt and grief. What a sad, sad way to be introduced to such emotions.

Look I know the majority of people have NO IDEA what to say to us, or how to help us when we lose a baby. But, honestly, the best comments I received went along the lines of this:
‘That’s 5hit, I’m so very sorry’
‘I can’t imagine how you are feeling; I just wanted to let you know that I am here if you need me’

If you DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, say that….. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. That’s enough you know. Just you acknowledging it is enough.

It’s a horrible position to be in, to have to talk to someone who is grieving. But please do not try and give me some justification for this happening. There is none. She is sad, and my guess is that a little piece of her will be sad forever. She’ll be able to function again one day, like nothing is wrong. But please, for now, just tell her your sorry, and that you are there for her. I promise you that will be enough.

A bump in the road

I wrote a massive post and lost the whole thing!!!!!!

Over the past few days DP and I have reached the decision that we will not be TTC again until 2010. This is a massive decision that we did not come to without shedding many a tear.

My life has become a minefield of trying to avoid having miscarriages, stressing about miscarriages, and trying to deal with my miscarriages. It pains me so much to know that I carried two children who I never had a chance to meet. I no longer sleep properly, as my head continually ticks over thinking about what is, what was and what could have been. The past 6 months has been emotional torture for me, and I know my unhappiness has led DP to be stressed and worried about me. We no longer have sex for fun, but instead to make a baby. I was also so focused on being pregnant before 16th January that I was wishing time away. I am still very scared about how I will feel on that date, as well as on the 4th May. But I am allowing myself the chance to fall apart on those days, to cry, to grieve, and to pretty much lose the plot. But I think that that is healthier than spending every second of every day trying to get pregnant, or thinking about getting pregnant before then. Those days are going to suck, and I just have to deal with it.

We are going to discuss surgery options with the OB in regards to the scarring on my left ovary. I thought I was doing a fantastic job of disguising the excrutiating pain I have been having, but more then a few people have talked to DP after noticing my discomfort. So now its out it the open.... It farking hurts. ALOT. Most of the time really. I am in pain from CD1 right up until about 4 days after O. So for about 18 days of each cycle, I'm in pain, no matter what movement I make. It all has to do with the maturing of eggs and actual ovulation. However on EVERY day of my cycle, If I stretch to the right too far, it hurts, because it creates pulling on the left. If I lean to far to the left, it hurts because it squashes the area that is scarred. Or it just decides to hurt for no apparent reason, like right now. So it needs to be attended to.

The past few days have been amazing. Firstly, we had absolutely fantastic sex (with a condom!!!), for no reason other than to have sex. O'ing was a pain in the a55 cause it was painful and stopped me from going about my usual things. It was an irritant, rather than that freak out time that usually meant OPK's, Maybe Baby, Green Tea, Robitussin, and well timed sex.

The instant we decided we wouldn't be TTC'ing for awhile, my head seemed to clear. The cloud that had been hovering over me for so long seemed to disappear. I have been so scared about being pregannt again. I was so so sure I would miscarry again, and I wasn't sure how I could cope. I kept telling everyone I would try once more and give up if it did not work out. I feel now though, that giving myself a chance to find some happiness again will make me stronger for next time we TTC.

I am not silly, I know when we TTC again I will become CP Checking, CM monitoring, BBT taking, Robitussin & green tea drinking, planned sex, crazy lady again. But, thats ok, I'm fine with that, I know I'll have a lot of other ladies to freak out with on BH. But for now, I'm going to have sex becasue I'm h0rny, not because my temp dropped, or spiked, or because I have EWCM.

I dont think I can give up blogging completely. There are so many journey's I want to watch unfold. TTC'ers who will get their BFP's. Those unfortunate to have experienced losses, to get to their baby after so many detours in the journey. And those who are currently waddling around, about to become wonderful parents, on a journey that will change their lives. I'm not prepared to give that up just yet. I may not be trying, but I'll be following everyone through their journey's.

So, I figured I'd post, and let you all know what was happening, instead of just disappearing into internet oblivion. I'll be lurking in the shadows, and of course, there is always facebook

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support and encouragement. Your kind words helped me through some very, very dark times this year. And you helped celebrate some happy times, long before anyone in real life knew what was going on.

If anyone ever needs a shoulder to cry on, who has any questions that they think I can help with...please msg me. I will always be here to lend support to those in need.

The book isn't finished, its just a new chapter.

Aaaaaarrrrrgggggggh

I'm farking over it. I can't handle this anymore.

Twice the Dr has pointed out that the ovarian ectopic could have killed me. IT DIDN'T. A freaking bus could hit me any day of the week.

DP wont let this go. For the FIRST time since all this has been happening dp has piped up with 'I dont think we should try again cause its your safety we're talking about'.

Fark me. Seriously. You could have told me this PRIOR to me having a catheter stuck up my freakin cervix.

I've had enough, I feel like pulling up stumps and giving the whole TTC game away.

I can't have a baby without dp - well not technically true, I can, but do not want to.

How long do I wait in hope his fears go away.

This is all too farking hard. I battle on everyday, when in reality I am absolutely broken inside.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Well I’m still in the process of having a major panic attack whilst I wait for the karotyping results. The path lab sends all genetic testing to the Children’s Hospital at Westmead, and their policy is to mail out results to the Dr, NOT to fax them like most other labs. So I am unsure whether I will even get the results this week or not. They are ready TODAY, but I have no idea when they will be sent to my Dr.

Therefore it appears I will miss out on any chance of being pregnant again in 2008 L