A bump in the road

I wrote a massive post and lost the whole thing!!!!!!

Over the past few days DP and I have reached the decision that we will not be TTC again until 2010. This is a massive decision that we did not come to without shedding many a tear.

My life has become a minefield of trying to avoid having miscarriages, stressing about miscarriages, and trying to deal with my miscarriages. It pains me so much to know that I carried two children who I never had a chance to meet. I no longer sleep properly, as my head continually ticks over thinking about what is, what was and what could have been. The past 6 months has been emotional torture for me, and I know my unhappiness has led DP to be stressed and worried about me. We no longer have sex for fun, but instead to make a baby. I was also so focused on being pregnant before 16th January that I was wishing time away. I am still very scared about how I will feel on that date, as well as on the 4th May. But I am allowing myself the chance to fall apart on those days, to cry, to grieve, and to pretty much lose the plot. But I think that that is healthier than spending every second of every day trying to get pregnant, or thinking about getting pregnant before then. Those days are going to suck, and I just have to deal with it.

We are going to discuss surgery options with the OB in regards to the scarring on my left ovary. I thought I was doing a fantastic job of disguising the excrutiating pain I have been having, but more then a few people have talked to DP after noticing my discomfort. So now its out it the open.... It farking hurts. ALOT. Most of the time really. I am in pain from CD1 right up until about 4 days after O. So for about 18 days of each cycle, I'm in pain, no matter what movement I make. It all has to do with the maturing of eggs and actual ovulation. However on EVERY day of my cycle, If I stretch to the right too far, it hurts, because it creates pulling on the left. If I lean to far to the left, it hurts because it squashes the area that is scarred. Or it just decides to hurt for no apparent reason, like right now. So it needs to be attended to.

The past few days have been amazing. Firstly, we had absolutely fantastic sex (with a condom!!!), for no reason other than to have sex. O'ing was a pain in the a55 cause it was painful and stopped me from going about my usual things. It was an irritant, rather than that freak out time that usually meant OPK's, Maybe Baby, Green Tea, Robitussin, and well timed sex.

The instant we decided we wouldn't be TTC'ing for awhile, my head seemed to clear. The cloud that had been hovering over me for so long seemed to disappear. I have been so scared about being pregannt again. I was so so sure I would miscarry again, and I wasn't sure how I could cope. I kept telling everyone I would try once more and give up if it did not work out. I feel now though, that giving myself a chance to find some happiness again will make me stronger for next time we TTC.

I am not silly, I know when we TTC again I will become CP Checking, CM monitoring, BBT taking, Robitussin & green tea drinking, planned sex, crazy lady again. But, thats ok, I'm fine with that, I know I'll have a lot of other ladies to freak out with on BH. But for now, I'm going to have sex becasue I'm h0rny, not because my temp dropped, or spiked, or because I have EWCM.

I dont think I can give up blogging completely. There are so many journey's I want to watch unfold. TTC'ers who will get their BFP's. Those unfortunate to have experienced losses, to get to their baby after so many detours in the journey. And those who are currently waddling around, about to become wonderful parents, on a journey that will change their lives. I'm not prepared to give that up just yet. I may not be trying, but I'll be following everyone through their journey's.

So, I figured I'd post, and let you all know what was happening, instead of just disappearing into internet oblivion. I'll be lurking in the shadows, and of course, there is always facebook

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support and encouragement. Your kind words helped me through some very, very dark times this year. And you helped celebrate some happy times, long before anyone in real life knew what was going on.

If anyone ever needs a shoulder to cry on, who has any questions that they think I can help with...please msg me. I will always be here to lend support to those in need.

The book isn't finished, its just a new chapter.