New Blog

In a desperate attempt to prove my positivity to the world (and myself), I some how came up with the idea that a new Pregnancy Blog was in order.

I named it "Shh I'm Pregnant" as no one besides DP (and the internet people :) ) know I'm pregnant.

The new blog is here, its empty hahaha, but I hope you'll take a trip over there and follow me on this ride.

Shh I'm Pregnant


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4 Weeks and 1 Day Pregnant

OMFG

Hormones are making me have a meltdown already. But I'll get to that later......

Woke up to a temp increase, now cruising at 37.2 degrees!!! And a masssive case of nausea. Got up and had a quick sip of juice and felt a tad better. Then brushed my teeth to the ever present blood.

Once I got to work I just couldn't stomach my toast. I didn't feel like I was going to be sick, I just decided to have an instant aversion to vegemite toast. So I only ended up having a single slice of toast and my good ol' decaf coffee. Come morning tea I wasn't reaally hungry but decided to eat (feels like the right thing to do). After one corn/rice cake thingy it was like it sent my body a signal and next thing my stomach was grumbling like crazy and I could have eaten the whole packet!! The rest of the day went pretty smoothly, and I'm making a conscious effort to not draw attention to my stomach at all. I have a habit of holding my lower belly getting in and out of chairs when I'm pregnant. I'm pretty sure that that is how my sister worked out I was pregnant back in July 08.

When I got home I was exhausted!!! Where does that sudden onset of sheer exhaustion come from? I was considering whether I could go to sleep at 6pm and be able to sleep the whole way through!!! Instead I did a little light cleaning, and just tried to keep myself distracted as I was starting to feel emotional - no way I could have predicted the category 1 breakdown I was about to have.

At some point DP and I were talking about random things and he made a comment about the Metallica concert. I said there is no way I'll be going to that concert while I'm pregnant. And dp said yeah I didn't really think about you being pregnant that far into the future. And that's when it clicked, neither of us can actual picture me carrying this baby successfully. He wasn't being mean or unkind, he was just experiencing things the same way that I was. And that my friends is when I lost my *insert swear word*.

I think I came close to having a full blown panic attack. Must say, they're pretty crap. I was BAWLING and gasping for breath. And blubbering out incoherently that "my b-b-b-b-b-body is a f-f-f-f-f-f-failure at this" and "I'm not g-g-g-g-g-g-oood at b-b-b-b-b-b-eing p-p-p-p-pregnant" sniff sniff, blow snotty nose, wipe eyes with same tissue and realise that you may have put snot in your eyes, cue more bawling and ramblings of "n-n-n-ow there's s-s-s-snot in my eyes".

OH MY GOD I lost it. And it lasted for about two hours. DP could not calm me down. Because I'd get sooooo worked up and then worrying about what harm this was possibly doing to the baby and that would set me off again. It was a very vicious cycle. Everytime I would gasp for breath I would feel my whole body tighten and I just keep thinking about what this was doing to my baby.

My body IS crap at this. Its got a baaaad track record with pregnancy. And what I realised tonight is that one of two things are going to happen... I'm going to have a baby, or I'm going to have a miscarriage. It's unavoidable. One of those things is going to happen. And I can't be excited about one, because the fear of the over is to raw. If I get excited, and I lose this baby, I think my TTC days will be done. Its one to be positive, and I am doing that. I haven't run out and booked an immediate scan, like I really really want to. Instead I'm waiting til my first OB appointment in 3 weeks. I'm eating well and doing everything to nourish the life I'm creating. But I also look at it from the other perspective. If anything does go wrong, I need to be able to say with full confidence that I did everything I could possible do. So in my positivity I am also preparing myself for the worst. Its an emotional battle.

I hope that the next three weeks don't ruin me emotionally. I'm already tired, and the massive crying sessions just make it worse.

Please stick baby, you have no idea how much you are wanted

4 Weeks Pregnant

Well today was the never ending day of crying. I was so totally and utterly emotinally screwed uo today. Not sure why to begin with. I BAWLED.... at work. And I could not stop it. And then a girl had work had a m/c today, I'd know since basically conception :) and was sooooo devstated for her and her husband. The poor girl just lost the innocence of pregnancy. And so I continued bawling.

I bawled so much that eventually I decided that it would be a sensible idea to go home. Got home and rang my partner, he pretty much couldn't understand anything I said, which I think scared the daylights out of him as he assumed something was wrong. Poor man asked why I was 'crying over nothing' which set me off yet again. Took my awhile to realise that I'd scared him into thinking something was wrong again, and he wasn't just being mean to the overly emotional pregnant woman.

I feel a bit sore and full in my uterus, which is very scary. I 'knew' I was pregnant the second time because of the full feeling in my uterus. That turned out to be an ectopic :( Its like a burnign 'hot' feeling and its a tad worrying. I'm just not sure what 'normal' is anymore. No idea how I will get through 3 weeks of thid before my scan. Very scared today. Worried I cried the baby out of position hahaha. I was sooo emotional, and I had some crampy after I stopped. I hope everything is ok in there.

3 Weeks and 6 Days Pregnant

Going to bed last night I was totally exhausted. But I just couldn’t fall asleep. I kept tossing and turning and trying to get comfy. Hence I woke up this morning feeling like absolute crap. My temp was 37.1 but I think that I may have been restless in the hours leading up to my alarm time.
I finally got up and first call of duty was to pee on my final HPT. I was very happy to see that it was much darker again. And I hadn’t had any more bleeding / spotting. After that I spent forever just procrastinating in front of the heater, caught up a little in the excitement that was a darker HPT than yesterday.
I went to the Medical Centre and was so pleased to find I had an AWESOME lady running pathology today. She said well why don’t we make these urgent and you can have your results this afternoon!!! Woo Hoo. Then I went and got a decaf coffee – blergh – I’ll just go without I think!!!
During the day at work I was tired on and off and had bouts of nausea throughout the day on and off. I really really want to eat ALL THE TIME, but nothing really appeals to me. I am however, craving meat. I can’t wait to get home and eat my steak!! I am going to have to learn how to cook it well done without burning it. Actually DP is the masterchef at our place; I’ll let him look after it, although I'm sure it goes against some special code to cook a steak well done!!

One of my biggest issues is that while I'm eating I feel good, but as soon as I stop the nausea returns. I thought about gum, but not really a fan, and that would probably just stimulate my saliva and stomach acids more.
I really need to find something that I can graze on during the day that won’t make me put on 25 kilos in the first 6 weeks J Please PM me if you have anu good ideas.

I got my results back this afternoon.....

11 DPO BHCG = 35
13 DPO BHCG = 115

So it more than doubled in 44 hours Mini-milestone 1 completed

Tomorrow I'll be 4 weeks and that will be another little step.

I truely am so excited, but fear is at the core of every emotion I have. I am so so scared that this will be taken away from us again. And I know that there is nothing I can do to change that fate. I'm eating right, looking after myself and doing all the things needed to facilitate a healthy and sustaiable pregnancy. There is nothing else I can do. If things go south this time, I think there will be a massive gap until we ever TTC again. DP just couldn't handle another loss.

But, we're being positive. This time, we're going to get a real live baby at the end!!!

3 Weeks and 5 Days Pregnant

So a little bit of whats happened might be in order!!!!

I got a BFN at 9 DPO, and was left with one IC test and First Responses. I really didn't want to use an FR's until I was at a remotely sane DPO. Not like the 7 dpo I had used the first one on

On the morning of 10DPO DP was restless and the dog wanted to play, and I was just buggered. It was frustrating the daylights out of me that everyone was awake at 6am on a Saturday morning. DP thought it was hysterical. But I was simply exhausted. I slept for another couple of hours thank god. So with FMU on 10 DPO I got up and tested with the IC. There was no real line to see. About an hour later I picked the test up and there was kind of a line. It was one of those lines that had to be on the right angle, in the right light, with the squinitng eyes. But I 'knew' it wasn't an evap. If I had given the test to DP (or any man for that matter) I can guarantee that they would not have seen a second line. I was quietly confident on the inside, but kept it to myself. During the day if I didn't eat when I thought about it, my tummy felt a little queasy. And I all I wanted was chilli sauce from Oporto's for lunch - that should have been a giveaway . I decided that from then I'd hold my pee for four hours and test again with a First Response. I managed to last about an hour and a half before I thought my bladder would explode. I almost didn't test but realised I had a spare for the next morning anyway. So at 4 in the afternoon of 10 DPO I POAS. And OMFG it was a . It was a faint line, but obvious, and no squinting required! I didn't tell DP. I wanted to get bloods done first. Actually I wanted to make sure that it wasn't in my ovary before I told him. He had massive issues when Dr repeatedly told us I could die from the Ovarian Ectopic.

11 DPO I POAS again with FMU, and got a darker positive, still faint, but darker then the afternoon before. I went to Dr's to get my antenatal panel and my B-HCG. With my history he gave me a repeat series for B-HCG, so I am actually going back tomorrow to see if they double.

2 hours after I got home I caved and told DP, so much for keeping it a secret til I knew it was in the right place He was exactly the same as me, a little excited, a lot nervous.

I did yet another HPT in the arvo and it was darker again. And hour after that I had some spotting. A little bit of brown and a little bit of red. I practically had a nervous breakdown. I cried for the excitement, the fear, the nervousness, the hope and every other emotion I'd have over all my pregnancies. The thought of this getting taken away before 4 weeks was so scary. But then there wasn't any more. And I thought perhaps it might be an implantation bleed. I had a MASSIVE temp dip at 9 DPO, so I'm hoping that implantation is the answer

I woke up on 12 DPO in asbolute fear of going to the bathroom and with a massive miagraine from my cryfest. I managed to hold it til 9am and went and POAS again. There was a little bit of brown in my CM but nothing that appeared fresh. HPT was darker again, and I resolved to spend the day in bed resting. Had another teeny tiny blob of pink in the early arvo, but now its back to being a bit creamy, with no real discolouration. I got my B-HCG results back and at 12pm on 11DPO they were 35. So blood test again in the morning and pray that the numbers have doubled.

I am so nervous, so terribly excited. I can't believe I'm pregnant again. Part of me thinks that surely its our turn to have a baby this time!! And then I thnk that there is still so much time for something to go wrong. I get a pain on my left side and I think oh no it's in my ovary again! I try and think positive that 'hey I've had an implant bleed' - never had one of those!!! So maybe this is a good thing.

It's hard, it's exciting, it's frightening and its emotionally draining, and I'm only 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant

Mini milestones. 4 weeks on Wednesday. Find out on Wednesday if BHCG has doubled. 5 or 6 weeks will find out if it's in the right spot!! I hope the OB says 6 weeks because if everything is ok, I'd like to be able to see the heartbeat

I'll ring the OB and the morning and I guess we go from there. Progesterone and Aspirin are definite possibilities too!

Thank you to those who have sent words of congratulations, support and encouragement. It really is so wonderful to have so much support, and I appreciate it so much. Especially because the only person who knows IRL is DP. Think sticky thoughts for us please!

P.S the lines on the test are much darker in real life!!!

3 weeks and 3 Days pregnant

BFP - OMG

Due the 23rd February, 2011.

I tested this morning and got a very very very faint second line on an Internet Cheapie Test. It was so faint I considered it might even be an evap line. I had a First Response Test and deicided to 'hold it' for four hours and test at 6pm. Well I managed to hold it for about an hour an a half, and decided to just do the test anyway, I had another if it was neg -.

Very obvious second (but not dark as control line). Not bad for afternoon urine at 10 DPO.

So excited, by so nervous. I want to be hopeful but I automatically think there are so many things that can go wrong from here, so just wait!!!! My partner doesn't know yet. He freaked out during the ovarian ectopic when the Dr said it could kill me - actually the Dr repeatedly told us I could die. DP didn't take that so well. So I'm going to have 3 bloods over 5 days and if they continue to double, I'll assume its not an ectopic and tell DP so he can be there for the very early scan I'll have.

Just wanted to share it - now off to freak out, and be quietly excited!!!

CD 23 - 7 dpo Temp – 36.7

I tested this morning with an IC – cause I’m crazy like that….
No surprises that once again it was a BFN.

Possible symptoms today have been:
I had some more blood while brushing my teeth, and little bit of blood when I blew my nose.
A lot of pain around my right ovary (the non-screwed up one) it was very painful and recurred on and off for half an hour around 11.15am.
Couldn’t handle the smell of a banana – it was just so so strong. And I kept asking everyone in the office “do you smell it, do you smell it”.
Ate hot chips and the taste of salt was just gross – like it was a thousand times stronger than any salt I had ever eaten.

Ooh and last night I had a bit of a pulling sensation ‘inside’ my left (.)(.)

For some reason that cannot be explained, I decided at lunch to go to the shop and get a First Response Test so I could POAS again. I have problems  maybe I’m making up for the two years where I haven’t POAS? The worst part is……. I’m actually a little sad it was negative. How ridiculous. I’m 7DPO, my chances of getting a BFP were 0.000000001%. Even with the ectopic I didn’t get my first BFP until 9 DPO.

I’m very , very quickly being reminded of how much TTC sucks.

CD 22 - 6 DPO

Sooooo 6 DPO. Not much happening. POAS, funnily enough it was negative – I have 6 tests….. so I can POAS every second day until af is due and still have spares. Well that is my reasoning J
I spent the majority of last night on a 2WW website looking at everyone’s different symptoms at each DPO. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I spat out a whole heap of blood. Well I had the biggest grin because of it. Bleeding gums is a great symptom. And I’ll hold onto it until I get any other sign that can be dramatically twisted and turned into another symptom HAHAHA.

The worst part about this whole thing is that if it is negative I still have to wait another 3 weeks til I O. Which makes it another 5 weeks before I could be pregnant. It’s just frustrating. I know I’m being whiny and sooky and I’m sorry. I know some people have it harder than us (poor buggers L)

You should have seen me at 6.30am squinting at my freshly peed on stick to see if I could even imagine a line. I couldn’t even fake an imaginary line at 6 DPO!!!!! I left it in the drawer in the bathroom so I can go home and try and imagine a line after 9 hours. “Read your test within 10 minutes” – pfft where is the fun in that!!! If I have an evap line I will get a good 3 or 4 hours of entertainment out of that – trying to decide if it’s actually a line or an evap.

Since 8am every hour on the hour I have been starving – tummy grumbling. I went and ate a plain cracker between morning tea and lunch it was that bad!!

12.10PM – weird burning sensation on the right side of my uterus / ovary area. Lasted about 20 seconds went away and came back for another 5 seconds. Checked my pants weren’t tight there and they weren’t even touching that area. Will be interesting to see if anything comes of it. Will be even more interesting if I were to have an implantation dip tomorrow or some spotting!!! Fingers crossed for implantation and spotting J
Ooooh spotting. Who thought I’d ever get so excited about spotting!!! Even to the point where I’m hoping for it.

2.15Pm - Really strong sharp paind on my lowere rights hand side. I swear if there is a bbay in my ocvary againi'll be really really pi55ed off!!! Babies go in the Uterus NOT IN OVARIES - are you listening in there.

I might add some more throughout the day if anything comes up. Beats working I guess.

Kinda TTC

So here we sit at 5 DPO …… temps actually look like the same as they did at the beginning of my pregnancy in July 2008. But they could always look like this – I haven’t had a proper temping cycle in a couple of years really. However, if I am pregnant I am highly positive that the eggie is clever enough to NOT implant in my ovary this time……
I want to test. I KNOW there will be no chance in the world of getting any form of accurate result. But seriously, that doesn’t stop me from wanting to test. Stupid, I know. I’m trying to hold out to Friday – which will be 9 DPO and the earliest I’ve gotten a BFP before. Again, we will not take into consideration that it was in my ovary!!
I’ve violated my cervix and have vowed that from now I’m only allowed to check it twice a day – once in the morning and once at night. Not every single time I go to the bathroom, or walk past a bathroom, or think of a bathroom!!! I’m sure after a certain number of times it goes beyond just checking but I can’t help it!!! It’s like my ridiculous need to POAS at 5 DPO.
I’m a little nauseous – prob cause DP’s phone was off, last time that happened he was in an accident
I’m a little tired – probably from the crappy sleep I had
I’ve got a little break out – probably from the half a block of chocolate I ate over the weekend.
I’m having a lot of twinges in my right ovary – which I’m not really comfortable with as its supposed to be the GOOD ovary.
The only real ‘symptom’ I have that I don’t have a rational explanation for is my CM. it ‘feels’ like its very wet down there, but if I check its not. My CM is maybe a mix between creamy and watery, but it just has the sensation of being wet. That’s something I never get.

I’m not 100% hopeful for this month – no, I lie – I AM hopeful, I’m just not 100% confident. I had EWCM on day 12 and 13 and DTD both of these days in the PM. But I didn’t O until CD16 – which gives me a -4 and -3 BD prior to O – not GREAT. But hey I had the EWCM and used Preseed. So maybe we have a shot.
I have searched the absolute bejeebus out of the FF chart gallery to find pregnancy charts with -4 or -3 BD’s before O. there are actually heaps and heaps of them!!! And every day I just want the day to hurry up because the sooner I go to bed the sooner I can wake up and take my temp.Please, please, please world let this be our turn for a BFP that results in a happy healthy baby. These BFP’s that don’t have babies at the end are a real buzz kill!!!!

Best of luck everyone.

HERE is my Fertility Friend Chart if anyone wants to see it!!

Um did we just TTC?

3rd May, 2010

So for some really really strange reason unknown to both myself and dp...... we DTD, unprotected, knowing full well that i'm around O time.
I have no idea what either of us were thinking. We will not be back on the TTC bandwagon just yet. But for some reason we thought we'd just not worry this time.So that officially gives me a test date! I can't remember the last time I had a test date other than for a blood test - hahaha.
I haven't had a 2ww for ages. its probably O day or 1 DPO at the most and I'm already freaking out!!!!!I went online and purchased 25 IC tests so i can test to my hearts content. If I'm not pregnant, I'll be disappointed. If I AM pregnant I'll be scared 5hitless!!!!

27th May, 2010

Due to an ovarian cyst that screwed up my ovulation, DTD unprotected had no real impact on anything.My cycle was 2 days longer and I’m now currently sitting on CD10. I’m going to do an OPK this afternoon to see if anything comes up. I doubt it would this early. I haven’t ovulated at CD10 for about 2 and a half years! I don’t think we are actually trying again.
I just think we aren’t going desperately out of our way to ensure it doesn’t happen. I don’t think either of us are quite ready for the full on TTC lifestyle again.
Sometimes we are safe, sometimes we aren’t. it really depends on each individual situation. Sometimes it’s just more convenient to be safe that it is to be ‘trying’ – if that makes any sense.
We are back to enjoying se)( for se)( and not because it is time for me to ovulate – therefore bed – NOW.
I am finding the idea of parenthood quite daunting. I was so confident and excited and READY when we were TTC last time. And then when I was pregnant I was overjoyed and beyond excited – I never had any doubts or concerns. I think maybe this is just a bit of a self-protective measure to avoid getting hurt. If I can’t imagine being a parent, then perhaps if another pregnancy fails I won’t be as devastated? I know that’s a big lot of crap – but I think maybe subconsciously that’s what’s happening? Who knows, my body is weird so I wouldn’t be surprised if my brain is too !
Looking at perhaps having another ‘kind of’ attempt this month?
Have about 2 days to decide, so we better get cracking!!!!

Toxoplasmosis, Cytomegalovirus, Glandular Fever.....

I guess I haven't really been forthcoming with information on being sick, having toxo, and just the past twelve months in general. So i figured I should get it all out there.

In March 2009 I had an Influenza vaccination.... I ended up with worst dose of the flu I've ever had. A week after I fnally got over it, the symptoms started again. I had a niggling tight feeling in my throat, and was anticipating the flu that was to follow. It didn't come. I went to the dentist to see if the burning taste in my throat was an infection in a tooth or something similar. When that turned up nothing, I went to the local Dr to see what he thought. I was originally diagnosed with Relux, and placed on a PP Inhibitor. This had no impact on the symptoms either. I went to see a different Dr and explained my sore throat - this time the Dr asked me 'if I was tired'. I bawled my eyes out and told him I was totally and utterly exhausted. I was so tired that I almost had a nervous breakdown at the thought of having to have a shower, and then drive for an hour to have dinner with friends. I broke down and sobbed hysterically. I started a fight with my partner and made him go without me. I explained that no matter how much I slept, I still felt exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. And that working 40 hours a week was the extent of my activities. The rest of the time I slept. I had ignored the tiredness until then as I just assumed it was because I had been emotinal around he time of my two due dates in the beginning of 09.

The Dr tested for a 'few different things' and I went about my sleeping, working, sleeping routine.

When I went to get my results the first question the Dr asked me was 'how many hours do you work'. I told him I work fulltime, so 40 hours work 8 hours travel, minimum, per week. He told me he had no idea how I managed to continue to function with what I had. (He scared the crap out of me). Turns out I had Cytomegalovirus (CMV), Glandular Fever (called mononucleosis in America), and Toxoplasmosis - all at once. One of these alone can create fatigue and general tiredness. But by having all three at once, the Dr was surprised I could manage to do anything at all. The symptoms are all very, very similar, hence the reason I was tested for all three. The Dr assumed I would have one of them, he never imagined I would have all 3.

Those who have been preganant or TTC will probably be aware that Toxo and preganancy don't mix .... Toxo can actually cause miscarriage. We wont even go into how many times my partner and I have discussed whether or not the Toxo caused maybe even 1 of my miscarriages. Toxo causes miscarriage and CMV causes birth defects and/or developmental issues. We had discussed taking TTC off the agenda for 2009, and these results forced our hand.

I spent the next 3 months being too exhausted to do anything other than work and sleep. I don't think we could have made a baby even if we were allowed, I was too tired to even think about sex. My wonderful partner did everything. He worked 70 - 80 hours a week and then he cooked and cleaned every single day. I concentrated on trying to get healthy, taking beneficial vitamins, and not collapsing in the shower.

One day in November, I wasn't so bone dead tired, and thought it must have all passed. The next round of blood tests showed that I was over the CMV, was over the Glandular Fever, but the Toxo was still active. I started to worry that TTC was off the cards for 2010 as well!

I had bloods taken on Saturday. And now I am literally sitting next to the phone waiting for it to ring to find out whether dp and I get to have the 'are we going to try to have a baby' discussion. Cross your fingers for me!!!!!

Welcome to 2010

Welcome to 2010.

In 2008 I had thousands of posts on numerous pregnancy websites. In 2009 I maybe had twenty....

9 months after my initial diagnosis and I STILL have toxoplasmosis. My body is incapable of being normal. No one else has toxo for 9 months... seriously - we can't even discuss having a baby!!!

I want to go back to my pregnancy websites. I want to experience a 2ww again - (but i'd like to be pregnant quickly please). I check in on people and I find some fabulous women are PREGNANT and I have this emotional rush of joy. Then i think ****, how will i be when I get pregnant!!!

Ok, so not much to tell, just wanted to drop in here and say hi. I'm still alive, diseased, but still alive.