Another loss
10 years ago
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Cramping, cramping, cramping
Well my uterus is either preparing for a baby or I’m now going to one of the unlucky ones who has pre af cramping for a few days before af.
I let myself get a little excited last night that I might be pregnant – about 5 minutes worth. Then it was back to trying to guess what my body is up too.
Funny how a m/c can change someone from a POAS-aholic to being POAS-phobic. If this had happened 6 months ago I’d be POAS till I had no more sticks left to pee on. Not anymore, my best friend told me test. No chance. FF says I can test on Monday. I’ll test next Friday if af hasn’t arrived.
Oh dear, I’m getting off track.
So, yesterday / last night. I have this new sensation of having a ‘full’ uterus – can’t think of any other way to explain it. It’s a bit sore, but not crampy. Its constant, it doesn’t come and go. It has lasted from about 10:00a.m yesterday, and I still haveit now. I did a CP and CM check. Cervix is high high high closed up shop and very firm. Cm is creamy but not abundant and I had ONE tiny bit of red spotting last night. And then a TINY bit of brown spotting this morning.
Temp went up to 37.00 this morning. I contemplated POAS, but knew I wouldn’t do it. I’m scared. I’m scared of being pregnant, and I’m scared of not being pregnant. Realistically I want to be pregnant. But I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have af arrive. I’m still a tad emotional to be able to deal with that let down. So for the time being. Not getting up of hopes, no getting emotionally squished with BFN’s.
Good theory I think
I let myself get a little excited last night that I might be pregnant – about 5 minutes worth. Then it was back to trying to guess what my body is up too.
Funny how a m/c can change someone from a POAS-aholic to being POAS-phobic. If this had happened 6 months ago I’d be POAS till I had no more sticks left to pee on. Not anymore, my best friend told me test. No chance. FF says I can test on Monday. I’ll test next Friday if af hasn’t arrived.
Oh dear, I’m getting off track.
So, yesterday / last night. I have this new sensation of having a ‘full’ uterus – can’t think of any other way to explain it. It’s a bit sore, but not crampy. Its constant, it doesn’t come and go. It has lasted from about 10:00a.m yesterday, and I still haveit now. I did a CP and CM check. Cervix is high high high closed up shop and very firm. Cm is creamy but not abundant and I had ONE tiny bit of red spotting last night. And then a TINY bit of brown spotting this morning.
Temp went up to 37.00 this morning. I contemplated POAS, but knew I wouldn’t do it. I’m scared. I’m scared of being pregnant, and I’m scared of not being pregnant. Realistically I want to be pregnant. But I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have af arrive. I’m still a tad emotional to be able to deal with that let down. So for the time being. Not getting up of hopes, no getting emotionally squished with BFN’s.
Good theory I think
Emotion Overload - again
Well I feel like I am getting af. If it comes tomorrow it will have been a 23 day cycle. Not promising. If it happens it means I’m having issues with my luteal phase. Not something I want to happen.
My journey on the emotional rollercoaster continues. Every cramp, twinge, pain is interpreted as af arriving. Whereas prior to my pregnancy, it was anticipated as a possible pregnancy sign. Now I just don’t have any faith in my body. I seem to have a cry every second day – set off by no apparent event.
I’ve tried talking to several people but, as much as they try, they just don’t get it. I just feel blah. I don’t cry over “I’d be such and such weeks on this day”. I don’t have any children so I don’t wonder whether the baby would have had eyes the same as dear son Fred or dear daughter Wilma. I don’t even compare myself to my pregnant sister and wonder what size I would be. I understand that nature has a way of making sure that those babies that aren’t capable of surviving on their own are usually those that are represented by a miscarriage. (Yes I understand that this is not always the case).
So if these aren’t the things that I think of, nor send me into a blubbering ball of tears, what is it that is making me feel so low?I partly blame hormones. One reason is that it took 6 weeks for me to have my mini meltdown. Perhaps that is how long it took for my hormones to sort themselves out and get their act together?
I actually get upset over the thought of other women who go through this, and for who too, the world does not stop to mourn their loss. It continues to turn.
So, I have no faith in my body’s ability to carry a child, I wonder whether having kids will be something that is realistically achievable. I also wonder whether getting pregnant right now is a good idea or not?If I don’t get over this before I fall pregnant again, and I do have another miscarriage, how on earth will I get back up from that? I think it is sensible to get over it before I get pregnant again, go in with a clear head. But then, on the other hand, I don’t think this feeling will go away until I have a child???
Talk about confusing.I know I’ve talked about this before in my diary, and sorry for boring you by re-hashing the same details, but these are the things that play over in my mind.
My journey on the emotional rollercoaster continues. Every cramp, twinge, pain is interpreted as af arriving. Whereas prior to my pregnancy, it was anticipated as a possible pregnancy sign. Now I just don’t have any faith in my body. I seem to have a cry every second day – set off by no apparent event.
I’ve tried talking to several people but, as much as they try, they just don’t get it. I just feel blah. I don’t cry over “I’d be such and such weeks on this day”. I don’t have any children so I don’t wonder whether the baby would have had eyes the same as dear son Fred or dear daughter Wilma. I don’t even compare myself to my pregnant sister and wonder what size I would be. I understand that nature has a way of making sure that those babies that aren’t capable of surviving on their own are usually those that are represented by a miscarriage. (Yes I understand that this is not always the case).
So if these aren’t the things that I think of, nor send me into a blubbering ball of tears, what is it that is making me feel so low?I partly blame hormones. One reason is that it took 6 weeks for me to have my mini meltdown. Perhaps that is how long it took for my hormones to sort themselves out and get their act together?
I actually get upset over the thought of other women who go through this, and for who too, the world does not stop to mourn their loss. It continues to turn.
So, I have no faith in my body’s ability to carry a child, I wonder whether having kids will be something that is realistically achievable. I also wonder whether getting pregnant right now is a good idea or not?If I don’t get over this before I fall pregnant again, and I do have another miscarriage, how on earth will I get back up from that? I think it is sensible to get over it before I get pregnant again, go in with a clear head. But then, on the other hand, I don’t think this feeling will go away until I have a child???
Talk about confusing.I know I’ve talked about this before in my diary, and sorry for boring you by re-hashing the same details, but these are the things that play over in my mind.
Emotion overload
I am struggling this week. Things seem to have gotten worse since I actually started letting my emotions out. I had another cry yesterday. Then had a desperate need to seem my godchildren. I was driving over there and kept thinking – what if I only get to be a god mother and never a mother?
In my younger years I’d toyed with the idea of never having children. I was young and happy and just didn’t have that desire. Well naturally that desire changed as I got older. And I keep thinking well I screwed with fate by saying that I didn’t want to have kids.My poor dp doesn’t know what to do to help me. He knows that I haven’t been coping this past week, but feels helpless to relieve the sadness or emptiness I feel. It makes it harder on me to be honest. I don’t want to see him struggling to help me. To comfort me etc. That was part of the reason I went out yesterday. I needed to get it out, and I needed to it with out worrying about how it was going to affect someone if they saw me upset.
Its getting harder, not easier, and I’m beginning to wonder if this feeling will not go away until I am holding my child in my arms. I feel that that is the answer.
That’s all I needed, to make TTC even MORE stressful lol.
In my younger years I’d toyed with the idea of never having children. I was young and happy and just didn’t have that desire. Well naturally that desire changed as I got older. And I keep thinking well I screwed with fate by saying that I didn’t want to have kids.My poor dp doesn’t know what to do to help me. He knows that I haven’t been coping this past week, but feels helpless to relieve the sadness or emptiness I feel. It makes it harder on me to be honest. I don’t want to see him struggling to help me. To comfort me etc. That was part of the reason I went out yesterday. I needed to get it out, and I needed to it with out worrying about how it was going to affect someone if they saw me upset.
Its getting harder, not easier, and I’m beginning to wonder if this feeling will not go away until I am holding my child in my arms. I feel that that is the answer.
That’s all I needed, to make TTC even MORE stressful lol.
O'ing a million times
Wow so much has happened since I last posted.I had a total breakdown a week ago. No real reason that set it off, but by god once I started crying I just couldn't stop.And it was the full on can't breathe, no sound crying. Felt so so so exhausted afterwards, and then had to steele myself to deal with some pregnant women. Not the best day of my life.
Since then I have O'd, and have a temperature rise to confirm it. But why on earth do I feel like I am O'ing again?
This TTC cr@p is just all too much and I'm kinda over it. I know I wont be ok if I get a BFN. Part of me wants to stop TTC so i dont have to deal with the disappointment at the end of ech month. If I dont TTC, I dont have to test But then I cant see that helping in my goal to get pregnant again, hahaha. Oh well, forward we must go. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. But we'll get there.
Since then I have O'd, and have a temperature rise to confirm it. But why on earth do I feel like I am O'ing again?
This TTC cr@p is just all too much and I'm kinda over it. I know I wont be ok if I get a BFN. Part of me wants to stop TTC so i dont have to deal with the disappointment at the end of ech month. If I dont TTC, I dont have to test But then I cant see that helping in my goal to get pregnant again, hahaha. Oh well, forward we must go. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. But we'll get there.
sperm meets egg plan
Well we are currently on on Day 2 (or CD9) of Operation Sperm Meets Egg.
I have begun taking Robitussin yesterday and have been drinking my green tea.
We did the deed last night and it was actually hilarious/. I shall spare you all the details though.
Tomorrow I have to BD again as well as begin doing OPK's. I will be trying out my Maybe Baby again this time around.
We are both keen to fall this month to relieve as much stress and anxiety as possible!!!!!
For those that aren't aware, the sperm meets egg plan is for those who know they CAN fall pregnant.
I have begun taking Robitussin yesterday and have been drinking my green tea.
We did the deed last night and it was actually hilarious/. I shall spare you all the details though.
Tomorrow I have to BD again as well as begin doing OPK's. I will be trying out my Maybe Baby again this time around.
We are both keen to fall this month to relieve as much stress and anxiety as possible!!!!!
For those that aren't aware, the sperm meets egg plan is for those who know they CAN fall pregnant.
af is the devil
Early this morning I gave birth to a golf ball sized clot. Give birth may be a tad drastic for those that have actually pushed an 8 pound child out of their va jay jay. But for me thats the biggest thing that has ever come through that canal.3 hours of cramps, walking, rocking, squatting, hot water bottles and a hot shower didn't do much to relieve the pain nor the pressure.But in the early hours of the morning, while straining over the toilet, it was finally here.I debated whether to post a birth announcement. Hell the time and effort put into it deserved some sort of acknowledgment But the relief was instantaneous and immense. I've had the day off work for two reasons:1. I've barely slept2. Dont think I could handle that happening at work!!!!So as each day passes, and I'm losing more and more, I feel slightly cleansed. And am hoping my uterus will soon be complete with its spin, wash, rinse cycle.I hope that I can post a BFP announcement at the end of August. If I cant, I am hoping that I can heal enough over the next few weeks so that I dont have another mini meltdown
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