Catch up posts - October

1st Oct

Still drifting along in no man's land.
HCG should be 0 now.
But we aren't going to test it again til next week.
OB rang me at 7.00pm very dedicated little Dr.
Him: Your HCG levels are good, no?
Me: Yeah excellent
Him: I told you the injection is good stuff, no?
Me: Yes I'm very glad it worked, and that I only needed one shot.
Him: When you want pregnant again?
Me: As soon as I'm allowed.
Him: You come in next week and we look at uterus, no? Oh hang on, next week public holiday, you have period then we look inside, no?
Me: No problems at all.
He cracks me up, the only 'odd' thing he does is throw in the 'no' at the end of almost every sentence. And he really refers to things as 'good stuff', he was very pleased with himself.
So I have to wait for my period, which I have no clue when will be here.
Then he can look inside, no.

2nd Oct

I did something so, so stupid.
I just played with the pregnancy calculator.
If I hadn't lost the first baby I'd be 24 weeks and 6 days.
If I hadn't lost the second baby I'd be 9 weeks and 3 days.

13 Oct

I've had a very bad couple of weeks.
Had to endure a second round of miscarrying to expel what was left in my ovary. Very very painful. After that I fell into a pretty dark mood. I wasn't sleeping, and was not at all a pleasurable person to be around. It lasted about a week, and then, after a BRILLIANT sleep, it finally lifted.
The fact that I had to go through hell AGAIN, really screwed with my head. I'm not sure when we will start trying again now. I'm thinking perhaps another year. My biggest fear is that everything will go pear shaped again. and to be honest, I am no where near able to cope with that any time soon. I finally believe I have come through all the 5hit, and all the pain. I finally feel like I am on the 'other' side of it all. And its kinda nice over here. I'm not prepared to put myself in a position where I may have to go through that again. Not yet anyways.
I'm just trying to look forward to next year. I know its not a good thing to wish time away, but I am really really over this year.
So I will re-evaluate how I feel in 2009.
But for now, I'm happy, and I want to stay like that.

15 Oct

Feeling a lot better the last few days.I obviously needed some decent nights sleep. I'm still not sure if not sleeping was making me crabby and stressed or if being crabby and stressed was making me not sleep??
Either way, am doing a lot better.
Am doing so well that I have finally found the strength I needed to begin organising my sisters baby shower. Was putting it off for so long as I just couldn't force myself to look at anything to do with the shower.
My sister on the other hand..... I LOVE playing with her belly. Have only had one instance where I was stupid enough to let my head wonder what size I would bein comparison to her. But I pushed it aside and things have gone back to being great.
Am scared though of going into the nursery when it has been set up. Everything is in there but they are all still in boxes. I think dp and I will have to venture in there one day alone. I will need him to hold me up incase I break.
TTC is off the cards for a year. I'm going overseas with family next year and do not want to be pregnant for it. I am wondering though if its a bandaid fix for my brain. I quite happy with my decision, but we'll see how I react when the Dr says, ok you can start trying again????? Only time will tell I guess.


17 Oct

Feeling better seems to be the story of the week.
A lot happier, and feeling a lot healthier.
Not having the consistent pain I was getting last week.
I seem to have been given a week off YAY
Full steam ahead with the baby shower, and I have pretty much everything organised, except for the decorations. But I already know where I plan on getting those, so just need to get mum when she has a free moment to come and help me select them.
Not much else happening in baby related news. I have to wait for af before I can schedule another appointment with my OB.
He rang last week as my mum and my sister had told him I was depressed. He said do I want to come in straight away.
I told him I wasn't depressed, that I was stressed, and hadn't been sleeping. That there was no cause for alarm, I had just had a 5hit week. My mother has a massive tendancy to over-react. If you're sad that = depression. A bit strange considering she's been a nurse for 20 years and should know the difference between pi55ed off and depression. I spend alot of time planning how I will speak to her about different things. Trying very hard not to upset her, she's become very positive about my sisters baby, and I dont want to jeopardise that.

22 Oct

I got af today.
First af since m/c # 2 this year.
Feel a bit odd.
It coincided with a pregnancy announcement from work.
At lunch everyone was talking loudly across the floor about whether its a girl or boy etc etc. The girl is only 6 weeks. She actually made a formal announcement about it. gathered up the entire department and told us all. All 60 of us........
Oh well, maybe my turn next year.

23 Oct

Well I guess I should explain why I was pretty crabby in my last post.
Yes, yes af arriving 10 seconds after a pregnancy announcement is a fairly good reason for being 5hitty........ But that wasn't the entire reason.
Once I realised af arrived, I immediately called my Dr and made the earliest appointment. As per my Dr's instructions last month. So all that was scheduled, and then I got to thinking......What if he cant find anything wrong? I'm not concerned if he finds a septum. Thats a reasonable and acceptable reason for multiple losses. And it can be fixed, most times very very successfully. But if he finds nothing, well then what?
Then there will be hystopingowhatchamacallits, and hysteroscodoovies, and to be honest. I dont want tooooooooo.
I'm having an 'i'm over it' kind of week. I still want to be pregnant, I still want a bubba'. But I guess I'm just 5hit scared this time.

27 Oct

tomorrow is the big day.
I'm 5hit scared to be honest.
I've had areally bad and emotional day.
fingers crossed I have some sort of news tomorrow.

27th Oct

So I think I need to write down how I'm really feeling. Rather than putting 4 or so lines....
I had a bad day, I was sick and also nervous about tomorrow. I had a really bad sleep last night, and dp only had 2 hours sleep before heading to work for 16 hours.
Then I came home and read what a friend went through today, and that made me so so sad for her. Which again made me angry that people have to go through this at all. I had just finished reading all of her posts, and was listening to the 3 feral kids two doors up SCREAMING, all three of them. And I was listening to their mum say she wished she never had kids. Which stirred up a million emotions.
DP walked in, after 16 hours at work in the heat, and the first thing he said was....... glad I dont have to come home to that (i.,e the screaming kids). I KNOW what he meant (the kids are wild - parents practically ignore them), BUT it was the timing. And I burst into tears. I had finally worked out why I had been feeling 'better'. My friend spelt it out for me. I had finally begun to perhaps believe that my miscarriages weren't my fault. That perhaps I have something that is interfering with being able to carry successfully. And then I got hit with reality. Is tomorrow my turn to find out that there is nothing wrong. That there is no medical reason why I lost my babies. That the empty feeling that I feel everyday will never go away?
I try to be strong everyday, but some days it all just piles up on you. Today was that day. And to make matters worse, in what can only be described as an act of pure stupidity.....
I decided to look through my belly pics. I loved my belly. I looked at a couple of pics as the little bump grew, until I got to the last pic. Which was when I realised that it was taken the night before I found out I had lost the first baby. I was so so happy. And in less than 24 hours that was all taken away. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest I have ever been. In 24 short hours.
And to be honest, I've never gotten back up from that. Sure I was excited that I fell pregnant again, but I was also petrified. So 4 months after my first m/c, I'm still stuck in no mans land. And the longer it lasts, the more I believe that this is how I feel for the rest of my life. Sure I put on a happy face, I play the part that needs to be played at any given time. But inside I am totally and utterly broken.So my question is, What the fark do I do? Talk to someone? How much more can I talk about this? I have an extended medical family with whom I have discussed this with indepth. So where to now?
Every time you think you are getting on top of it, something happens and knocks you back down to the ground. So how am I supposed to feel about tomorrow. On one hand, I dont want anything to be wrong. Who would actually want there to be a problem, realistically. But on the other hand, if there is a problem, than I may have a reason. And I am beginning to think that a REASON outways being REALISTIC any day of the week So if you have any ideas how the hell to straighten out my brain, my emotions, my life - feel free to let me know!!!!!!!

28th Oct

Dr's appointment went ok.
My left ovary is back to normal and functioning fine.
HyCoSy scheduled for Day 7 of next cycle. I'm currently on Day 6, so a full month to go.
Have referral for blood tests for my thyroid and then for karotyping for both myself and dp. The best part was... he bulk billed the karotyping, which I have heard is expensive.