Slowly going insane......

Where to start.....
Monday, I was told of a very young friends shock unplanned pregnancy. I congratulated her, told her I was hear to talk if she needed it. I then went home, had 3 drinks and was blind drunk. Skipping lunch was not a sensible option that day.
Tuesday, said friend flipped out at being pregnant and booked a termination. In the fifty phone calls I had with her that day, I supported her through every fear, every anxiety and every up and down. I told her that she cannot worry about other people (namely me) who have problems with having babies, but instead she needed to make a decision that was right for her. Unfortunately giving me the embryo wasn't really a viable option. She booked her termination for Friday. And I told her I would support her no matter what happened. The only advice I had was to go and see the heartbeat first, then make your decision. I did not hear from her for the rest of the day / night. We were sure that she had gobe and had the termination done that day. I came home and cried.
Wednesday, I went to work, and instantly received an email from pregnant friends work colleague and other counsellor . She had gone to work, and she had some news for me, her and her partner were having a baby. So I cried again, I was happy that she had thought about things, and made that decision. I would have supported her 100% with her termination, but I was ecstatic that she was keeping the baby.
Wednesday Night I had a massive D&M with an interstate friend who was up to visit. I was physically shaking while I told my story. I dont think I have ever had to tell the story in full from start to finish. It took a lot out of me and I was extremely emotional on the way home. However there weren't any tears.But the time I got home I had a headache, not quite a migraine, but a big enough headache to stop me from sleeping. I sat up and thoguht alot. Then tried to sleep. I t didn't work, so I thoguht some more.
Thursday (today), I woke up after minimal sleep with a screaming headache worse than when I had gone to bed. So I though 5crew it, I'm staying home. I grabbed my laptop and curled up in bed to read some of the blogs I follow. The blogs gave me some comfort, and a feeling of being part of a wider community that have to deal with IF. But by lunch I had finished reading and was thinking again. Never a good sign. And I pretty much thought myself into hysterics. I got to the point where I was sucking in the breaths just before you bawl your eyes out. And just as I was about to bawl, the musings of a pregnant blogger entered my head. And so, again, I thought 5crew it. And jumped in the damn shower fully clothed and then proceeded to bawl. DP came home about 2 minutes after I got in the shower, took one look at me fully clothed and went 'oh f*ck' and then HE got in the shower fully clothed with me. So then I snuggled into him and bawled some more. Once I had kind of snapped out of it, I looked at both of us fully clothed, and then saw the dog standing at the shhower door looking at us as though we were stark raving mad. Naturally, I grabbed the dog and put her in there with us. And for another ten minutes (til I ran out of hot water) I was the happiest I had been in awhile. I was emotionally exhausted, but I think you have to reach that point every now and then so the happiness can break down the misery and sneak in.
A couple of hours later I thought I would listen to DP's new Metallica CD, while I took a shower, unclothed, and shaved and trimmed and plucked, in preparation for tomorrows insertion of a freakin tube into my cervix, combined with another round of dildo cam.
Oh dear!!! You realise your life is at a pretty 5hit point when the new Metallica album is the anthem to your life at the moment.
We have songs such as:
The end of the line
Broken, beat & scarred
The day that never comes
All nightmare long
I did, however, have to laugh that my life had become something that Metallica could sing about. I'll give you an example of some of the words from the songs:
Like a misery that keeps me focused,
though I've gone astray,
like an endless nightmare that,
I must awaken to each day

or

I hide and feel it passing me by,
I open just in time to say goodbye,
Almost like your life,
almost like your endless fight,
curse the day is long,
realise you dont belong,
disconnect somehow
never stop the bleeding now

or

Luck. Runs. Out.
Crawl from the wreckage one more time.
Horrific memory that twists the mind.

or

You rise
You fall
You're down, then you rise again,
What dont kill ya will make you more strong.

So I did end up in fits of laughter that my sad life can be summed up by Metallica. But hell I'm 5hit scared about tomorrow, and if thats the sort of thing that makes me laugh today. So be it.
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