4 Weeks and 1 Day Pregnant

OMFG

Hormones are making me have a meltdown already. But I'll get to that later......

Woke up to a temp increase, now cruising at 37.2 degrees!!! And a masssive case of nausea. Got up and had a quick sip of juice and felt a tad better. Then brushed my teeth to the ever present blood.

Once I got to work I just couldn't stomach my toast. I didn't feel like I was going to be sick, I just decided to have an instant aversion to vegemite toast. So I only ended up having a single slice of toast and my good ol' decaf coffee. Come morning tea I wasn't reaally hungry but decided to eat (feels like the right thing to do). After one corn/rice cake thingy it was like it sent my body a signal and next thing my stomach was grumbling like crazy and I could have eaten the whole packet!! The rest of the day went pretty smoothly, and I'm making a conscious effort to not draw attention to my stomach at all. I have a habit of holding my lower belly getting in and out of chairs when I'm pregnant. I'm pretty sure that that is how my sister worked out I was pregnant back in July 08.

When I got home I was exhausted!!! Where does that sudden onset of sheer exhaustion come from? I was considering whether I could go to sleep at 6pm and be able to sleep the whole way through!!! Instead I did a little light cleaning, and just tried to keep myself distracted as I was starting to feel emotional - no way I could have predicted the category 1 breakdown I was about to have.

At some point DP and I were talking about random things and he made a comment about the Metallica concert. I said there is no way I'll be going to that concert while I'm pregnant. And dp said yeah I didn't really think about you being pregnant that far into the future. And that's when it clicked, neither of us can actual picture me carrying this baby successfully. He wasn't being mean or unkind, he was just experiencing things the same way that I was. And that my friends is when I lost my *insert swear word*.

I think I came close to having a full blown panic attack. Must say, they're pretty crap. I was BAWLING and gasping for breath. And blubbering out incoherently that "my b-b-b-b-b-body is a f-f-f-f-f-f-failure at this" and "I'm not g-g-g-g-g-g-oood at b-b-b-b-b-b-eing p-p-p-p-pregnant" sniff sniff, blow snotty nose, wipe eyes with same tissue and realise that you may have put snot in your eyes, cue more bawling and ramblings of "n-n-n-ow there's s-s-s-snot in my eyes".

OH MY GOD I lost it. And it lasted for about two hours. DP could not calm me down. Because I'd get sooooo worked up and then worrying about what harm this was possibly doing to the baby and that would set me off again. It was a very vicious cycle. Everytime I would gasp for breath I would feel my whole body tighten and I just keep thinking about what this was doing to my baby.

My body IS crap at this. Its got a baaaad track record with pregnancy. And what I realised tonight is that one of two things are going to happen... I'm going to have a baby, or I'm going to have a miscarriage. It's unavoidable. One of those things is going to happen. And I can't be excited about one, because the fear of the over is to raw. If I get excited, and I lose this baby, I think my TTC days will be done. Its one to be positive, and I am doing that. I haven't run out and booked an immediate scan, like I really really want to. Instead I'm waiting til my first OB appointment in 3 weeks. I'm eating well and doing everything to nourish the life I'm creating. But I also look at it from the other perspective. If anything does go wrong, I need to be able to say with full confidence that I did everything I could possible do. So in my positivity I am also preparing myself for the worst. Its an emotional battle.

I hope that the next three weeks don't ruin me emotionally. I'm already tired, and the massive crying sessions just make it worse.

Please stick baby, you have no idea how much you are wanted