How on earth can I fit into every TINY statistic

I feel kinda special.....
"Ovarian or Cervical Ectopics account for only 0.2% of all ectopic pregnancies"
Naturally, I had to have the 'difficult to treat', 'most likely to rupture' type of ectopic. lol.
I also found this about the sac inside my uterus.
"A pseudosac is a collection of fluid within the endometrial cavity created by bleeding from the decidualized endometrium often associated with an extrauterine pregnancy and should not be mistaken for a normal early intrauterine pregnancy. The true gestational sac is located eccentrically within the uterus beneath the endometrial surface, whereas the pseudosac fills the endometrial cavity."

The Never Ending Day

WOW. I don't even now where to begin to try and re-tell the day I have had......
I went to my scheduled OBGYN appointment that I was lucky enough to secure at such short notice. He is just lovely, and he will be monitoring my pregnancies and delivering my children if we can sort out my 'broken uterus syndrome'.
We went over the number of pregnancies, number of miscarriages, gestational ages of pregnancies, types of miscarriages etc. DP and I had our medical history scrutinised and Dr OBGYN was very happy to know that dp has not had any testicular trauma (dp was very happy about this too).Then we moved on to my current pregnancy and the recorded HCG levels. They obviously caused reason for concern without even considering what wonderful news we had had from the ultrasound.
Dr OBGYN, being informed previously of what awaited him on my ultrasound, said that he does not believe that I have 2 pregnancies, instead he thought the ovarian one was a cyst and the actual pregnancy was the one in my uterus. So next Dr OBGYN took a look at the ultrasound. He um'ed and ah'ed and then proceeded to stand up me, dp and mum to explain what he thought while pointing away at pictures of my ovary and uterus. He entirely swapped his intial statement. Uterus had Pseudo gestational sac, actual pregnancy is INSIDE left ovary. He reserved his right to confirm that until he had done his own ultrasound.
So next was the joyous part for me. First I get the duck-bill instrument, usually reserved for pap smears, inserted so he could view my cervix with a big damn light. All good. Next was the fingers to see if he could 'feel' anything through the walls. And, if all that penetration was not enough, I was then given my second internal ultrasound in under 24 hours. Again he was kind enough to stand mum and dp infront of the screen and explained every detail of what could be seen.
So I at least had good news at this point. I did not lose twins. I only had one pregnancy which was within the left ovary. As my HCG rose, my uterus got its self into action and made a gestational sac, as all good - uterus's?, uterie? - do when you get yourself knocked up. But as the pregnancy was not in my uterus the actual sac was empty.
Next we discussed my options. Surgery - D&C to clear uterus of sac and surgery to remove pregnancy from ovary - 90% chance I would lose my ovary - Dr OBGYN not really interested in this scenario. Option 2. Have a Methotrexate injection in order to dissipate the pregnancy and hopeful it will 'flush' away (he said while making flowing movements with his hands from his make believe vagina). So Methotrexate option agreed upon. I figure tomorrow, the day after, next week?
Ah, no. NOW. Forms were written up as well as my pathology requests written up for the next SIX blood tests that are needed to track my progress. The whole process will probably take 3 weeks. The worst part, the part that I was trying to avoid, is that I will miscarry naturally. But if I want to keep my ovary, that is what I have to do.
So, next we get shipped of to the hospital, into EPAC. Thankfully he called ahead and ordered all his staff around while we were in his office. We were seen very quickly and all their stupid questions were halted with, my Dr has discussed this personally with the Registrar. After being looked at with the "you're full of 5hit" expression, I asked them to call the registrar before we proceeded any further.
Thankfully he arrived in a couple of minutes and told them everything was already sorted and they need not repeat everything that had already been established with Dr OBGYN.So, naturally, as I haven't had a blood test in 18 hours, I MUST need another one. Off for bloods we go. Then it was a case of sitting around until there was a bed ready for me on the ward. I was praying I didn't get sent to post-natal like my last miscarriage!! After getting up on the ward I had an hour wait before a Dr came to give me my injection. This is the first time I've had an injection in my bum and I was slightly nervous. I held mum's hand as soon as she picked up the needle it was actually quite painless, but the actual solution stung like cr@p once it was in. And my bum hurt for about 15 minutes.
After that it was four hours of observations before I coould get shipped off home.
So, here I am, with my sore bum, sitting on my lounge recapping he whirlwind day I have had!!!!
I will miscarry over the next 3 weeks. If my ovary is going to rupture it will be within 12 hours of the injection, so I have mum having a sleepover to be here for a shift change when dp goes to work. I can't be left alone
After all this is done and my hcg is back to 0, Dr OBGYN is going to start doing some testing on myself and dp. At least he gets to share in the blood tests this time, and I will be having a 3d u/s of my uterus. fingers croossed that if he finds something it is treatable.
One thing today showed me......I am never having my kids in a public hospital, the amount of time that dozens and dozens of pregnant women were waiting for appointments was just unreal. I cannot imagine they would be happy!!!! Thankful I quite like the Private hospital that my Dr delivers in.
So...... How was your day???

Scans and Ambiguity

So my poor little pregnancy ends already. U/s today suggests a twin miscarriage. One in-uterine pregnancy, one ectopic pregnancy attached to my left ovary. Our only hope is that I don't lose my ovary, but my chances aren't that good.I'm heading off to an OBGYN tomorrow As I want a specialist in charge of my ovary preservation.
One more try for a baby and then I give up.

Presumptuous

It appears that making appointments was very presumptuous.
My Hcg level, which was anticipated to be over 10,000, was actually only 2800, so it barely doubed in a week.
I'm off to have a scan today and am not expecting a happy outcome.
Will post when I know more.

Pressure

I am forced to do things I am yet ready to do. Like book an OB, the hospital, the NT Scan arrrrggghhhh.
When you want a certain Dr you have to do all this instantly. I am 5 weeks and 2 days today, and the Receptionist for they OBGYN told me that I'm 'lucky' to have a spot so 'late' into my pregnancy. Now I have to go and book the Hospital, and the NT scan. I wish I could wait until after 8.5 weeks to do all this.
Last time I didn't have to cancel anything - I used my NT appointment to have my scan to check if I had RPOC. I dont want to have to make the call that I'm sorry I need to cancel my appointments cause I've lost the baby.I cant do anything to change the outcome of this pregnancy. It will either happen, or it wont happen, but I was at least trying to help preserve my sanity by not setting myself up for a nice big collapse if it happened again.OK.
On the positive side of things. I am booked in with the Dr I wanted and I will be going to the Private hospital I wanted. My first OB appointment is on the 7th October and I will be 10 weeks. THis was the point of no return last time. So I will at least be under the care of a well well well respected OBGYN if I am to miscarry again. And I'll be demanding every damn test in their thick books.
If I can't get time away during the week, my first scan is booked for the 20th September. SURELY I can survive (and bubs) from the 20th September to the 7 October.

Still in Shock

By my calculations I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Due on the 5th May.
I have my first ultrasound on the 20th September (earliest Saturday appointment I can get). If I can get the time off work I will be having it done next week some time.
This time I knew I was pregnant 3 days before I tested. And when I got the first BFN, I didn't even flinch, I just knew it was too early to show up. I got my first FAINT FAINT positive at 9dpo. HCG at 18dpo was 1343. I have yet to decide if I will have repeat bloods.
Ok well they are the facts. I might leave it that for now. And ease my way into this

Guess What.....

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

Cramping, cramping, cramping

Well my uterus is either preparing for a baby or I’m now going to one of the unlucky ones who has pre af cramping for a few days before af.
I let myself get a little excited last night that I might be pregnant – about 5 minutes worth. Then it was back to trying to guess what my body is up too.
Funny how a m/c can change someone from a POAS-aholic to being POAS-phobic. If this had happened 6 months ago I’d be POAS till I had no more sticks left to pee on. Not anymore, my best friend told me test. No chance. FF says I can test on Monday. I’ll test next Friday if af hasn’t arrived.
Oh dear, I’m getting off track.
So, yesterday / last night. I have this new sensation of having a ‘full’ uterus – can’t think of any other way to explain it. It’s a bit sore, but not crampy. Its constant, it doesn’t come and go. It has lasted from about 10:00a.m yesterday, and I still haveit now. I did a CP and CM check. Cervix is high high high closed up shop and very firm. Cm is creamy but not abundant and I had ONE tiny bit of red spotting last night. And then a TINY bit of brown spotting this morning.
Temp went up to 37.00 this morning. I contemplated POAS, but knew I wouldn’t do it. I’m scared. I’m scared of being pregnant, and I’m scared of not being pregnant. Realistically I want to be pregnant. But I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have af arrive. I’m still a tad emotional to be able to deal with that let down. So for the time being. Not getting up of hopes, no getting emotionally squished with BFN’s.
Good theory I think

Emotion Overload - again

Well I feel like I am getting af. If it comes tomorrow it will have been a 23 day cycle. Not promising. If it happens it means I’m having issues with my luteal phase. Not something I want to happen.
My journey on the emotional rollercoaster continues. Every cramp, twinge, pain is interpreted as af arriving. Whereas prior to my pregnancy, it was anticipated as a possible pregnancy sign. Now I just don’t have any faith in my body. I seem to have a cry every second day – set off by no apparent event.
I’ve tried talking to several people but, as much as they try, they just don’t get it. I just feel blah. I don’t cry over “I’d be such and such weeks on this day”. I don’t have any children so I don’t wonder whether the baby would have had eyes the same as dear son Fred or dear daughter Wilma. I don’t even compare myself to my pregnant sister and wonder what size I would be. I understand that nature has a way of making sure that those babies that aren’t capable of surviving on their own are usually those that are represented by a miscarriage. (Yes I understand that this is not always the case).
So if these aren’t the things that I think of, nor send me into a blubbering ball of tears, what is it that is making me feel so low?I partly blame hormones. One reason is that it took 6 weeks for me to have my mini meltdown. Perhaps that is how long it took for my hormones to sort themselves out and get their act together?
I actually get upset over the thought of other women who go through this, and for who too, the world does not stop to mourn their loss. It continues to turn.
So, I have no faith in my body’s ability to carry a child, I wonder whether having kids will be something that is realistically achievable. I also wonder whether getting pregnant right now is a good idea or not?If I don’t get over this before I fall pregnant again, and I do have another miscarriage, how on earth will I get back up from that? I think it is sensible to get over it before I get pregnant again, go in with a clear head. But then, on the other hand, I don’t think this feeling will go away until I have a child???
Talk about confusing.I know I’ve talked about this before in my diary, and sorry for boring you by re-hashing the same details, but these are the things that play over in my mind.

Emotion overload

I am struggling this week. Things seem to have gotten worse since I actually started letting my emotions out. I had another cry yesterday. Then had a desperate need to seem my godchildren. I was driving over there and kept thinking – what if I only get to be a god mother and never a mother?
In my younger years I’d toyed with the idea of never having children. I was young and happy and just didn’t have that desire. Well naturally that desire changed as I got older. And I keep thinking well I screwed with fate by saying that I didn’t want to have kids.My poor dp doesn’t know what to do to help me. He knows that I haven’t been coping this past week, but feels helpless to relieve the sadness or emptiness I feel. It makes it harder on me to be honest. I don’t want to see him struggling to help me. To comfort me etc. That was part of the reason I went out yesterday. I needed to get it out, and I needed to it with out worrying about how it was going to affect someone if they saw me upset.
Its getting harder, not easier, and I’m beginning to wonder if this feeling will not go away until I am holding my child in my arms. I feel that that is the answer.
That’s all I needed, to make TTC even MORE stressful lol.

O'ing a million times

Wow so much has happened since I last posted.I had a total breakdown a week ago. No real reason that set it off, but by god once I started crying I just couldn't stop.And it was the full on can't breathe, no sound crying. Felt so so so exhausted afterwards, and then had to steele myself to deal with some pregnant women. Not the best day of my life.
Since then I have O'd, and have a temperature rise to confirm it. But why on earth do I feel like I am O'ing again?
This TTC cr@p is just all too much and I'm kinda over it. I know I wont be ok if I get a BFN. Part of me wants to stop TTC so i dont have to deal with the disappointment at the end of ech month. If I dont TTC, I dont have to test But then I cant see that helping in my goal to get pregnant again, hahaha. Oh well, forward we must go. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. But we'll get there.

sperm meets egg plan

Well we are currently on on Day 2 (or CD9) of Operation Sperm Meets Egg.
I have begun taking Robitussin yesterday and have been drinking my green tea.
We did the deed last night and it was actually hilarious/. I shall spare you all the details though.
Tomorrow I have to BD again as well as begin doing OPK's. I will be trying out my Maybe Baby again this time around.
We are both keen to fall this month to relieve as much stress and anxiety as possible!!!!!

For those that aren't aware, the sperm meets egg plan is for those who know they CAN fall pregnant.

af is the devil

Early this morning I gave birth to a golf ball sized clot. Give birth may be a tad drastic for those that have actually pushed an 8 pound child out of their va jay jay. But for me thats the biggest thing that has ever come through that canal.3 hours of cramps, walking, rocking, squatting, hot water bottles and a hot shower didn't do much to relieve the pain nor the pressure.But in the early hours of the morning, while straining over the toilet, it was finally here.I debated whether to post a birth announcement. Hell the time and effort put into it deserved some sort of acknowledgment But the relief was instantaneous and immense. I've had the day off work for two reasons:1. I've barely slept2. Dont think I could handle that happening at work!!!!So as each day passes, and I'm losing more and more, I feel slightly cleansed. And am hoping my uterus will soon be complete with its spin, wash, rinse cycle.I hope that I can post a BFP announcement at the end of August. If I cant, I am hoping that I can heal enough over the next few weeks so that I dont have another mini meltdown

Back on the Wagon

Af arrived last night. 4 weeks and 3 days after my D&E.
I had alot of cramping throughout the day, and knew it was on its way. I was racing to the bathroom every 15 mintues to check if it had arrived.
I jumped in the shower and scarched my stomach for 15 minutes in an attempt to bring af on. It worked :) I got my period 15 minutes after my shower.
Unfortunately though it is quite heavy and painful. But I'm trying to approach it with a positive outlook. I still had retained products of conception after my D&E, so I was always prepared for this period to be a bit difficult.
But, onwards and upwards, and I can look at this as an opportunity for my uterus to have a good clean out inpreparation for its future tenant. Hopefully the lease will run for 9 months this time :)

4 weeks Post D&C

Today is four weeks since my D&C. I would be 15 weeks pregnant if I hadn't of miscarried.
I've had a bad day coping. I tried to distract myself with work as much as possible, but to no real avail, I worked hard, but still thought!
I've been tossing and turning in bed for an hour and a half, and eventually I had too give up. I've just hopped up and taken 2 panadeine forte, hopefully they will help with my toothache and also knock me out for a few hours.
I can't seem to switch off my brain today. It just keeps dwelling and dwelling and dwelling on what should have been. And it then flickers to think about what if having children is not a possibility for me?
Most days I manage fine. But today has been harder than any other day. I guess I cant beat myself up about it. Perhaps you need to hit emotional rock bottom before you can begin to climb back up. I've been coping and moving forward really well, I suppose one really bad day in four weeks is pretty good.
Its actually hard to explain. I'm ok, I can function quite normally. I worked my butt off today and was extremely productive. I came home and cleaned, cooked dinner, watched half a movie and tried to go to bed. But I just can't switch my brain off. Today my brain only thinks about my pregnancy, my miscarriage, my D&C, and my future in respect to children.
I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling much brighter. I can't imagine too many of these types of days are good for the soul.
But, if I do wake up like this tomorrow, its all good, I'm going out tomorrow night, so I'll get right royal drunk for the first time in heaven knows how long. Hmmm I imagine 3 glasses of anything will be enough hahahahaha. Ah, at least I still have a slight sense of humour even at my most wallowing and self pitying low :P

Thoughts

I think about my miscarriage every day.
It is usually even the first thing I think of when I wake up. For awhile I used to wake up and put my hand over my stomach. You know that moment where you are suspended between being asleep and being totally awake. My hand would always move down and cradle my stomach. It would stay there for awhile, until I woke up enough to realise that there is no longer a baby in there. Those days are getting further and further apart, perhaps my subconscious is catching up.

It leads me to wonder if a time will come when my miscarriage is only something I think about on occasion? I can't imagine that happening any time in the near future.

While we are actively TTC I automatically think of my miscarriage. I think about it when I temp, I think about it when I record my data in FF.
When I am pregnant (hopefully sooner rather than later) I imagine it will play on my mind even more. Especially during the first trimester. Although I know that you are never really out of danger until you are holding your baby.

It all just leaves me thinking that these will be something that I will need to incorporate into my daily life. Dealing with my miscarriage will be something that lasts a lot longer than just the foreseeable future.

Empty

I feel empty.
I'm not sad nor angry nor any other emotion I can pinpoint.
I just feel empty.
Its a difficult feeling to have and try and live life as I normally would. It has deprived me of any motivation.
I wonder if it is just symptom of PMS, perhaps it is just that I am hormonal. I haven't had a real period in 4 months, maybe my body is just adjusting to the different hormones that are going through my body?
meh, who knows. I hope this feeling goes away soon. It makes for some very unproductive days.

Shopping

OK, HCG is now down to 4. So I'm back in the game.
Had a mini breakdown while shopping on Saturday. I was dress shopping for an event we have to attend in 5 weeks. All was well and I had picked out my dress. It was $150, and dp wanted me to have it as a present to make me feel beter blah blah blah. I said I appreciate the thoguth, but the dress wont even fit me in 4 weeks, there's no room for the belly to grow into the dress. Oh. Yeah. Hang on. We aren't pregnant anymore, are we. Well I threw my best 'controlled tanty'. I was looking for a little dress, did't neeed to be stretchy, didn't need to be loose. Hell it could have been skin tight if thats what I wanted.
I wanted to be looking for a flowing, stretchy dress that would fit my expanding tummy. I was actually upset that I could wear what ever I wanted to in the shop. I was supposed to be stuck for choice and trying to imagine what size my tummy would be in a few weeks.
But no. No tummy popping for me. I didnt end up getting a dress either. It felt to weird to celebrate being able to wear what I want. Considering thats not how I wished things were.
On a brighter note, back in the game, lots of bd, green tea, vitamins, robitussin, and thank you TTC diary, you just reminded me I have to go and get some more pre-seed

Grief and moving on

I have spent the last few days thinking back to how devastated my family was on hearing the news that I had miscarried.
There were many many tears from those close to me, to the point where they were sobbing.
Ever since then it played on my mind that I had not experienced that absolute, soul destroying, painful, bawl your eyes out sorrow. I felt guilty that I hadn't cried as hard as my loved ones had. Poor DP (who I haven't seen cry in over a year). started crying the second I calmly told him I would be going to the hospital as I was bleeding. Sure I cried, 3 or 4 nights after my D&E when I thought I was going to vomit. The tears came as I pondered who would make a woman throw up after a m/c when she was never sick during her pregnancy. They weren't tears of sadness, tears of grief. They were tears of a tired pi55ed off woman who thought the world was playing a cruel joke on her.
But a mere 12 days after my D&E, I watch as the rest of my family go about their lives. Work, play, parties, planning, pregnancies. And, although I dont begrudge them their lives, in has put a lot of things into perspective for me.
No I didn't bawl my eyes out hysterically in sadness and grief. No my knees did not buckle from the news that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. But now I know why.
I have to carry this with me forever. I have to take this pain with me through the rest of my life. Back on the TTC journey and my mind is filled with things like, are my tubes scarred from infection? Is my uterus scarred or damaged from the D&E? Are my ovaries ok? And then the thought of being pregnant leads me to wonder if I will ever carry a pregnancy to term.
Sure the fear of not carrying a pregnancy to term may be statistically unrealistic, but hell this is my life and these are my fears - warranted or not.
So while talking to dp tonight I realised that the guilt I felt for not having an emotional breakdown was not necessary. I will carry this with me everyday. Everyday I feel the pangs of sadness, grief, guilt and of course the soul destroying question of what if I did or what if I hadn't.
It's 12 days after my D&E. Everyone is over it. Everyone has moved on. My boobs have even moved on, they are back to their original size. And I am left here alone to establish how I can healthily acknowledge and grieve my loss while somehow functioning in the real world.
So I've beaten myself up over this for the past two weeks and this is what I have come up with.
My tears may not of been as swift as others, nor were there as many. But when others get up, move forward, and get back to their normal lives..... Well I have this to live with, everyday, for the rest of my life. Dr's visits will consist of 'yes, I have been pregnant before, I had a miscarriage'. This is now my make-up, this is a part of who I am. I think of the child I lost everyday. Sure, I agree with the theory that your body rejects something that is not healthy or viable. But in no ways does that take a way from the pain of it. Sure my chances to carry to term next time are high. But I've already been in the mere 3% of pregnancies that end after a heartbeat has been seen. So isn't it entirely possible that I could be in the 3% of women who experience recurrent miscarriage??? This is me. These are the fears that I have to live with. And the reason my tears didn't all flow at once was because this is now a lifelong companion of mine. I am a woman who miscarried in June 2008.
BUT with any luck, I'll be the woman who has a happy, healthy baby in 2009.

Test Results

So I just spoke to my Dr, HCG dropped from 29 on Sunday to 22 yesterday. He is happy with the way its decreasing, and quite frankly so am I. Have no intentions of being concerned unless the HCG stabilises at an amount above 5, until then I'm happy with the rate that it is decreasing. (not entirely true, I wish it was 0 NOW )Asked the Dr if there was anything else I should be doing besides not having sex. He said who said you cant have sex? I told him that his words were...... you cant do anything this cycle. He laughed and said that he meant that no MATTER how much sex I have that it is highly unlikely my uterus would let anything attach while there is still RPOC. He said sex is fine and even set me out a schedule
every second day with dp on top
after every second day for a week then I have to try 3 days straight with dp on top.
He said my cervix is still tender, and although most of the fear is unfounded, that by following what he said it will decrease the chance I'll hurt or bruise myself.
So after the phone call, I got myself all sexied up, put on my pink and black corset set, and threw on a dressing gown.When dp got home from work I said I spoke to the Dr and have some news. At that point I flashed him, and his jaw nearly fell to the floor. I said guess who's allowed to touch me again. The poor man thought it was Xmas. hahahaha, I'll remember his face for ages. He's never gotten naked so fast in his life.
After telling him our sex 'schedule' he now wants to shake this Dr's hand, as its more sex than we've had in literally 4 months!!!!S o, now we are just waiting for af. With a 0.01% hope in hell that I'll be pregnant before then.