Grief and moving on

I have spent the last few days thinking back to how devastated my family was on hearing the news that I had miscarried.
There were many many tears from those close to me, to the point where they were sobbing.
Ever since then it played on my mind that I had not experienced that absolute, soul destroying, painful, bawl your eyes out sorrow. I felt guilty that I hadn't cried as hard as my loved ones had. Poor DP (who I haven't seen cry in over a year). started crying the second I calmly told him I would be going to the hospital as I was bleeding. Sure I cried, 3 or 4 nights after my D&E when I thought I was going to vomit. The tears came as I pondered who would make a woman throw up after a m/c when she was never sick during her pregnancy. They weren't tears of sadness, tears of grief. They were tears of a tired pi55ed off woman who thought the world was playing a cruel joke on her.
But a mere 12 days after my D&E, I watch as the rest of my family go about their lives. Work, play, parties, planning, pregnancies. And, although I dont begrudge them their lives, in has put a lot of things into perspective for me.
No I didn't bawl my eyes out hysterically in sadness and grief. No my knees did not buckle from the news that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. But now I know why.
I have to carry this with me forever. I have to take this pain with me through the rest of my life. Back on the TTC journey and my mind is filled with things like, are my tubes scarred from infection? Is my uterus scarred or damaged from the D&E? Are my ovaries ok? And then the thought of being pregnant leads me to wonder if I will ever carry a pregnancy to term.
Sure the fear of not carrying a pregnancy to term may be statistically unrealistic, but hell this is my life and these are my fears - warranted or not.
So while talking to dp tonight I realised that the guilt I felt for not having an emotional breakdown was not necessary. I will carry this with me everyday. Everyday I feel the pangs of sadness, grief, guilt and of course the soul destroying question of what if I did or what if I hadn't.
It's 12 days after my D&E. Everyone is over it. Everyone has moved on. My boobs have even moved on, they are back to their original size. And I am left here alone to establish how I can healthily acknowledge and grieve my loss while somehow functioning in the real world.
So I've beaten myself up over this for the past two weeks and this is what I have come up with.
My tears may not of been as swift as others, nor were there as many. But when others get up, move forward, and get back to their normal lives..... Well I have this to live with, everyday, for the rest of my life. Dr's visits will consist of 'yes, I have been pregnant before, I had a miscarriage'. This is now my make-up, this is a part of who I am. I think of the child I lost everyday. Sure, I agree with the theory that your body rejects something that is not healthy or viable. But in no ways does that take a way from the pain of it. Sure my chances to carry to term next time are high. But I've already been in the mere 3% of pregnancies that end after a heartbeat has been seen. So isn't it entirely possible that I could be in the 3% of women who experience recurrent miscarriage??? This is me. These are the fears that I have to live with. And the reason my tears didn't all flow at once was because this is now a lifelong companion of mine. I am a woman who miscarried in June 2008.
BUT with any luck, I'll be the woman who has a happy, healthy baby in 2009.