Testing

So, alot has happened today in my 4 hour mammoth dr's visit. My usual Dr is on holidays so I picked a 'nice' Dr I have seen once before at the same practice. I HIT THE JACKPOT 1st off, I have the slightest amount of RPOC (Retained products of conception) 2mm's worth to be exact. Not going to do another D&E, as he feels the RPOC is so minimal that I will still get my period and it will clear itself up then. (D&C = dilate and curettage = where they scrape it out with a 'spoon' type instrument. D&E = Dilate and evacuation = where they use like a vacuum to suck it out)
2nd, we think that this may have caused an infection in my left ovary. Had massive amounts of continuous pain in my left ovary and I'm kinda over it
3rd, Dr thought it was "a bunch of cr@p" to wait until 3 miscarriages before we did any testing. He said why put someone through that amount of stress and pain when there are so many things we can test for so easily.
4th, off to the pathologist for my TWELVE vial blood collection I am being tested for the following:
FBC - Just to check my levels and make sure everything is in order, will also cover white blood cells to show if I have an infection
HCG - Was down to 29 yesterday so hoping its still getting lower
R-CLA Checking the LUPUS antiphospholipid antibodyLUPUS antianticoagulant antibodies
LFT - Liver function test
Natural Killer Cells
And about 5 other things that I cant remember!!!
So I am VERY happy with my new Dr, who will now be my permanent Dr. Have to wait 3 daysfor the results, but at least something is happening. I thought I would have to fight for some form of testing, but much to my surprise he brought up most of the tests with me just throwing in the LFT. Also sent of MSU, but strip test showed no blood, no protein etc etc. So all in all a very productive, if not very LONG day at the Dr's.
However, no sexy time til after my period, due to the RPOC. DP is crushed (in a light hearted fun way, he's not an a$$), and asked if he can get his virginity back the way a woman can.
But at least we are moving forward in a positive direction.
__________________

12 Weeks

4th July, 2008

Today has been a bittersweet day.I would have been 12 weeks today . The day that I should be able to yell to the world from the rooftops that I am pregnant. That we are having a baby. I should feel a little safer, a little more secure in my pregnancy, and even be game enough to now buy some things for our anticipated arrival.
But, that is not to be. Today, after being told "congratulations on your pregnancy" I had to tell them that I had miscarried. I felt sorry for them? I felt sorry that I had to tell them that I had lost my baby. I felt sorry that I had put them in an uncomfortable position. And all this guilt I felt was for someone I had never met before, they were told I was pregnant buy a friend and hadn't been updated on the news. But she took it really well, told me she has had one too, and that she now has three screaming boys running around at home. So she handled the awkwardness really well.
The sadness that I felt when awaking to what should have been my 12 week milestone was replaced with hope for the future. I woke up and found that I have stopped bleeding. Just good old normal CM. I did contemplate hugging my CM at the sheer pleasure I had in finding it. But I figured perhaps it would be too messy, and I have plenty of time in the coming cycles to once again bond with my CM.
So the closing of one chapter is replaced by the opening of a new chapter. My life shall return to the waiting game. Waiting to O. The dreaded 2WW. Waiting for af. Or waiting for another . I hope we can make a sticky one this time.
POAS last night was only faintly positive, so my levels are going down pretty well I imagine.

May even have a drink to celebrate my body moving forward.

No Tears

By Monday morning I was worried that I was yet to cry, I was so busy trying to support my family who were all devastated, and was scared I would break down at any moment, as I hadn't done it yet. I just KNEW it was coming.
Monday night at 10.30pm I started feeling nauseas. That was all I needed to be pushed over the edge. I was crying and yelling at dp - who would do this, I wasn't sick once when I was pregnant and now I'm throwing up and I dont even have a baby. It was the release I needed.

D and C

I arrived at the hospital early and did not have to wait long. I was taken in, gowned, given my paper undies, and drugged up to the eyeballs. It was 3 1/2 hours from the time I walked out my front door to the time I walked back through it.
I was sore (crampy) and generally pi55ed off. DP took me away for the weekend so there was nothing for me to do but rest, and boy did I do that. My body would be great for a couple of hours and then bang, exhausted. But I am lucky that my bleeding immediately turned into spotting, and that is something I am thankful for.
We went shopping over the weekend and I bought something small to remember my angel by, it is always with me, but not big enough to draw attention from others.

Its all over

After the not finding out my results like I was supposed too, I went back to bed.
After all of about 12 minutes sleep it was 8 am and I could ring the hospital again. They cr@pped on about this and that until I bluntly said what part do you not understand, I just want my HCG results that were promised to me 12 hours ago. So I finally got them. 6500, I knew it was all over, I was 10 weeks and 5 days, there should have been more 00's on the end of that number.
Next task was to book in for U/S confirmation. thankfully they told me to come up straight away and that, although I may have a bit of a wait, they would fit me in as soon as possible. I waited 5 minutes. The sonographer recognised me. He was the man who showed me my baby's heartbeat at 5 weeks and 5 days, and it was now his job to tell me how long ago my baby had died.
8 weeks and 5 days. My body had held onto our angel for 2 weeks. Our little angels heart had only beaten for 3 weeks. I wasn't sad, I was so extremely thankful to have such a wonderful sonographer who did is job professionally as well as having some compassion, a lot more than I can say about the hospital staff.
I phoned the Pregnancy Clinic and advised them that it was all over, I would have been booked in immediately for a d&c but I had drunk too much water for the U/S. I was to be scheduled for the next day.

Emergency Room

So off we trotted to the hospital.
Thankfully I knew the RN on duty in the ED. I was taken straight in and had my BP taken, it was slightly high (normal range but classified as high for me) and I'm happy to put that down to me being very stressed under the circumstances. I was then taken out the back and they attempted to take bloods. They did a bloody cr@p job of it, 3 goes in one arm, 2 in the other. I was left with a haematoma in my left arm the size of a golf ball. The bruising is still yet to fade.I was told the bloods would take 2 hours.
I was admitted after this and the incompetent wards clerk took me to the post natal ward. I actually stopped her half way down the corridor and asked her if she thought it was appropriate to be taking someone to maternity who is more than likely having a miscarriage? She didn't even flinch, nor apologise and said oh cr@p am I going to the wrong place. This came after she repeatedly asked me if this was my 3rd child and had I been bleeding for 3 days. It is obviously not a pre-requisite for a wards clerk to be able to read the notes they have in front of them. After learning I was a nurse she then decided I could do my own handover to the ward, fine my me, at least they'd get accurate information then!!!!
I was put in a bed and told to change, 30 seconds later I was scolded for not being dressed yet. I then 'politely' told them that if they bothered to leave the curtains closed for two minutes I would be more than willing to get changed. I was told I was having an internal, then I was told I wasn't, then I was told I was. I stopped them and said I am bleeding slightly, my cervix is slightly open (no more then when I was checking for O when TTC), what other information do you need? The NURSE then proceeded to lift up my gown, look at my vagina and then place the gown back down. Righto, guess she just wanted to check out my bits????
So the OB Registrar FINALLY comes up with an ultrasound machine - I thought we were getting somewhere. Ultrasound machine goes on, wand goes on my belly, and she starts looking on the left hand side. I politely tell her its on the RIGHT hand side and she may get a better view by moving over there. She said there is no point as the u/s machine is so old and 'ready for retirement' that she isn't looking for a heartbeat, because she will not be able to detect it because of the cr@ppy flickering screen on the U/S. So the verdict is, yep there is something in your uterus, I just cant tell you what or how big.
So I'm in shock, pretty much disgusted with the entire evenings events. I asked for my Beta HCG as that would give me a clearer picture. Nope not ready. I was asked if I wanted to stay in overnight and have a 'proper' U/S the next day, or would I prefer to go home and book in to their clinic tomorrow. I chose to go home, with my U/S referral, intending to visit my OWN U/S clinic the next day. I was told to ring back at 10.00pm that night to get my HCG results.Back home and I had a nice bi7ch about how I'd never go to THAT hospital again
10.00pm rolls by and I ring back, no dr's around to give me the results, they are in surgery. Lady PROMISES me that if I take my phone to bed that a dr will ring me as soon as they have finished.
I went to sleep and wake up at 1am. No call. Sooooo I rang them back, was told that all dr's had left, no one around to give me the results, advised them of what I had been told. Was then told 'JUST BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU DOESN'T MEAN WE CARE". I told her I thought her bedside manner was lovely and did she perhaps think she was better suited to working in a morgue. All I can say is do NOT mess with a woman who is trying to find out if she has lost her baby.

Spotting

At 10 weeks and 5 days dp and I were cooking dinner. I need to go to the toilet, yet again, and was shocked to find the tiniest amount of brown blood when I wiped.

Now I used to be a nurse, and I do not buy into the concept of brown blood equals old blood and, therefore, nothing to worry about. I was almost 11 weeks pregnant and I had not had any spotting throughout my pregnancy.

I calmly went back to dp in the kitchen and told him I was beginning the bleed. I rang around and was unable to get into any medical centre at 7.30pm. It was becoming apparent that I would have to go to the ED if I wanted any answers.

As dp does shift work, I called a friend and asked her to come with me, on the promise that I would call dp if I got any news or I needed him.

We headed off to hospital at about 8:00pm.

Early Pregnancy

When I had my first bloods done I also requested an ealry ultrasound. So armed with my u/s request at 4 weeks, I went about life, as I waited 2 weeks for the scan. I put it off in the hope I would be able to see a heartbeat then.

Life continued as normal, kind of. I was consuming chocolate milk by the bottle and had an aversion to looking at raw chicken. I had no morning sickness, but was constantly tired. Day by day I was getting more and more impressed with my growing cleavage. I was not, however, impressed by the need to go to the toilet every 15 minutes.

It quickly rolled around to my scan date. I drank my 4000 litres of water and dp and I headed off for our scan. We were very fortunate to see a heartbeat at the eary stage of 5 weeks and 5 days. I measured exactly to what my dates were. It was real, it was confirmed. We were going to have a baby.

We again continued on life as normal. My tummy hardened instantly upon becoming pregnant. And by 7 weeks my pants were getting tighter. It appeared I was going to show pretty fast.

My sister and I compared complaints daily, neither of us had morning sickness, but she craved the opposite kind of food I craved.

We only had one person left to tell. DP's eldest sister, she had been out of the country and we wanted to tell her face to face. In retrospect, the baby had already died when we told her at 9 weeks.

I had booked my NT scan and from here all we had to do was wait for the first trimester to pass. I followed the rules, was careful with what I ate, never drank (not much of a drinker anyways), started practising to sleep on my left side, etc.

At 10 weeks we attended a party and everyone commented on how wonderful I looked. My skin was amazing, it was flawless and silky smooth. I wasn't aware that that would be the last function I'd attend as a pregnant woman.

We're Pregnant

I found out I was pregnant on the Thursday the 8th of May.
I had a coffee in the afternoon and it made me feel sick, I love my coffee and thought that was extremely strange.
I had done a HPT the two days previous - 13 & 14 dpo -with FMU (first morning urine), for no reason other than that I had some tests lying around the bathroom. They were both negative. I
After going and getting another 2 pack of HPT's I took the first one on 15 dpo at 9.30pm (definitely not FMU). The test line came up before the control line even came up. I was pregnant!!! WOO HOO

My partner and I had been trying for a few months, however, with so much on in April and May, we'd barely had time to even think about TTC (let alone doing anything that could actually get me pregnant), so it came as a pleasant surprise.

I went and had a blood test to check my HCG and also had the pre-natal blood screening. My HCG was just over 450 and the ante-natal screening came back all clear.

My partner and I decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks, my closest girlfriend was the only one who knew.

We carried on the next couple of weeks as normal, I had no morning sickness, I was just extremely tired.

My sister rang me from overseas 2 weeks after I had found out. She had news, she was pregnant. I responded by blurting out that I was too. It was fantastic and we were both so excited that we would be going through this journey together. She was a couple of weeks behind me, and we were going to have the first grandkids and great-grandchildren within weeks of each other. With such fantastic news, we decided to tell our families.

Naturally our families were ecstatic, especially my mother. Her dream was finally coming true, she'd been waiting for grandchildren ever since her children grew up. It was a great time for us and the excitement and anticipation, unfortunately, ended all to soon.

Introduction

I decided to create this blog as a way to anonymously write about my miscarriage and my journey to move forward from it.

I found many sites that explained the different types of miscarriage, I was given statistics and percentages and numbers, numbers, numbers - but my real help was found through the blogging of a few brave women who put their story on the internet for all to see.

As much as I wish for no other person to have to go through one, or more, miscarraiges, I found comfort in knowing that others have experienced what I had. Being able to read about someone who has been through the same emotions that I am encountering is actually comforting.

I have two hopes for this blog
1. Is to have an outlet in helping myself heal (no matter how much I say 'I'm fine")
2. That maybe, when a lone woman searches the internet for answers or understanding, she may stumble across this and find comfort in knowing that someone else has experienced her pain.