Back on the Wagon

Af arrived last night. 4 weeks and 3 days after my D&E.
I had alot of cramping throughout the day, and knew it was on its way. I was racing to the bathroom every 15 mintues to check if it had arrived.
I jumped in the shower and scarched my stomach for 15 minutes in an attempt to bring af on. It worked :) I got my period 15 minutes after my shower.
Unfortunately though it is quite heavy and painful. But I'm trying to approach it with a positive outlook. I still had retained products of conception after my D&E, so I was always prepared for this period to be a bit difficult.
But, onwards and upwards, and I can look at this as an opportunity for my uterus to have a good clean out inpreparation for its future tenant. Hopefully the lease will run for 9 months this time :)

4 weeks Post D&C

Today is four weeks since my D&C. I would be 15 weeks pregnant if I hadn't of miscarried.
I've had a bad day coping. I tried to distract myself with work as much as possible, but to no real avail, I worked hard, but still thought!
I've been tossing and turning in bed for an hour and a half, and eventually I had too give up. I've just hopped up and taken 2 panadeine forte, hopefully they will help with my toothache and also knock me out for a few hours.
I can't seem to switch off my brain today. It just keeps dwelling and dwelling and dwelling on what should have been. And it then flickers to think about what if having children is not a possibility for me?
Most days I manage fine. But today has been harder than any other day. I guess I cant beat myself up about it. Perhaps you need to hit emotional rock bottom before you can begin to climb back up. I've been coping and moving forward really well, I suppose one really bad day in four weeks is pretty good.
Its actually hard to explain. I'm ok, I can function quite normally. I worked my butt off today and was extremely productive. I came home and cleaned, cooked dinner, watched half a movie and tried to go to bed. But I just can't switch my brain off. Today my brain only thinks about my pregnancy, my miscarriage, my D&C, and my future in respect to children.
I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling much brighter. I can't imagine too many of these types of days are good for the soul.
But, if I do wake up like this tomorrow, its all good, I'm going out tomorrow night, so I'll get right royal drunk for the first time in heaven knows how long. Hmmm I imagine 3 glasses of anything will be enough hahahahaha. Ah, at least I still have a slight sense of humour even at my most wallowing and self pitying low :P

Thoughts

I think about my miscarriage every day.
It is usually even the first thing I think of when I wake up. For awhile I used to wake up and put my hand over my stomach. You know that moment where you are suspended between being asleep and being totally awake. My hand would always move down and cradle my stomach. It would stay there for awhile, until I woke up enough to realise that there is no longer a baby in there. Those days are getting further and further apart, perhaps my subconscious is catching up.

It leads me to wonder if a time will come when my miscarriage is only something I think about on occasion? I can't imagine that happening any time in the near future.

While we are actively TTC I automatically think of my miscarriage. I think about it when I temp, I think about it when I record my data in FF.
When I am pregnant (hopefully sooner rather than later) I imagine it will play on my mind even more. Especially during the first trimester. Although I know that you are never really out of danger until you are holding your baby.

It all just leaves me thinking that these will be something that I will need to incorporate into my daily life. Dealing with my miscarriage will be something that lasts a lot longer than just the foreseeable future.

Empty

I feel empty.
I'm not sad nor angry nor any other emotion I can pinpoint.
I just feel empty.
Its a difficult feeling to have and try and live life as I normally would. It has deprived me of any motivation.
I wonder if it is just symptom of PMS, perhaps it is just that I am hormonal. I haven't had a real period in 4 months, maybe my body is just adjusting to the different hormones that are going through my body?
meh, who knows. I hope this feeling goes away soon. It makes for some very unproductive days.

Shopping

OK, HCG is now down to 4. So I'm back in the game.
Had a mini breakdown while shopping on Saturday. I was dress shopping for an event we have to attend in 5 weeks. All was well and I had picked out my dress. It was $150, and dp wanted me to have it as a present to make me feel beter blah blah blah. I said I appreciate the thoguth, but the dress wont even fit me in 4 weeks, there's no room for the belly to grow into the dress. Oh. Yeah. Hang on. We aren't pregnant anymore, are we. Well I threw my best 'controlled tanty'. I was looking for a little dress, did't neeed to be stretchy, didn't need to be loose. Hell it could have been skin tight if thats what I wanted.
I wanted to be looking for a flowing, stretchy dress that would fit my expanding tummy. I was actually upset that I could wear what ever I wanted to in the shop. I was supposed to be stuck for choice and trying to imagine what size my tummy would be in a few weeks.
But no. No tummy popping for me. I didnt end up getting a dress either. It felt to weird to celebrate being able to wear what I want. Considering thats not how I wished things were.
On a brighter note, back in the game, lots of bd, green tea, vitamins, robitussin, and thank you TTC diary, you just reminded me I have to go and get some more pre-seed

Grief and moving on

I have spent the last few days thinking back to how devastated my family was on hearing the news that I had miscarried.
There were many many tears from those close to me, to the point where they were sobbing.
Ever since then it played on my mind that I had not experienced that absolute, soul destroying, painful, bawl your eyes out sorrow. I felt guilty that I hadn't cried as hard as my loved ones had. Poor DP (who I haven't seen cry in over a year). started crying the second I calmly told him I would be going to the hospital as I was bleeding. Sure I cried, 3 or 4 nights after my D&E when I thought I was going to vomit. The tears came as I pondered who would make a woman throw up after a m/c when she was never sick during her pregnancy. They weren't tears of sadness, tears of grief. They were tears of a tired pi55ed off woman who thought the world was playing a cruel joke on her.
But a mere 12 days after my D&E, I watch as the rest of my family go about their lives. Work, play, parties, planning, pregnancies. And, although I dont begrudge them their lives, in has put a lot of things into perspective for me.
No I didn't bawl my eyes out hysterically in sadness and grief. No my knees did not buckle from the news that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. But now I know why.
I have to carry this with me forever. I have to take this pain with me through the rest of my life. Back on the TTC journey and my mind is filled with things like, are my tubes scarred from infection? Is my uterus scarred or damaged from the D&E? Are my ovaries ok? And then the thought of being pregnant leads me to wonder if I will ever carry a pregnancy to term.
Sure the fear of not carrying a pregnancy to term may be statistically unrealistic, but hell this is my life and these are my fears - warranted or not.
So while talking to dp tonight I realised that the guilt I felt for not having an emotional breakdown was not necessary. I will carry this with me everyday. Everyday I feel the pangs of sadness, grief, guilt and of course the soul destroying question of what if I did or what if I hadn't.
It's 12 days after my D&E. Everyone is over it. Everyone has moved on. My boobs have even moved on, they are back to their original size. And I am left here alone to establish how I can healthily acknowledge and grieve my loss while somehow functioning in the real world.
So I've beaten myself up over this for the past two weeks and this is what I have come up with.
My tears may not of been as swift as others, nor were there as many. But when others get up, move forward, and get back to their normal lives..... Well I have this to live with, everyday, for the rest of my life. Dr's visits will consist of 'yes, I have been pregnant before, I had a miscarriage'. This is now my make-up, this is a part of who I am. I think of the child I lost everyday. Sure, I agree with the theory that your body rejects something that is not healthy or viable. But in no ways does that take a way from the pain of it. Sure my chances to carry to term next time are high. But I've already been in the mere 3% of pregnancies that end after a heartbeat has been seen. So isn't it entirely possible that I could be in the 3% of women who experience recurrent miscarriage??? This is me. These are the fears that I have to live with. And the reason my tears didn't all flow at once was because this is now a lifelong companion of mine. I am a woman who miscarried in June 2008.
BUT with any luck, I'll be the woman who has a happy, healthy baby in 2009.

Test Results

So I just spoke to my Dr, HCG dropped from 29 on Sunday to 22 yesterday. He is happy with the way its decreasing, and quite frankly so am I. Have no intentions of being concerned unless the HCG stabilises at an amount above 5, until then I'm happy with the rate that it is decreasing. (not entirely true, I wish it was 0 NOW )Asked the Dr if there was anything else I should be doing besides not having sex. He said who said you cant have sex? I told him that his words were...... you cant do anything this cycle. He laughed and said that he meant that no MATTER how much sex I have that it is highly unlikely my uterus would let anything attach while there is still RPOC. He said sex is fine and even set me out a schedule
every second day with dp on top
after every second day for a week then I have to try 3 days straight with dp on top.
He said my cervix is still tender, and although most of the fear is unfounded, that by following what he said it will decrease the chance I'll hurt or bruise myself.
So after the phone call, I got myself all sexied up, put on my pink and black corset set, and threw on a dressing gown.When dp got home from work I said I spoke to the Dr and have some news. At that point I flashed him, and his jaw nearly fell to the floor. I said guess who's allowed to touch me again. The poor man thought it was Xmas. hahahaha, I'll remember his face for ages. He's never gotten naked so fast in his life.
After telling him our sex 'schedule' he now wants to shake this Dr's hand, as its more sex than we've had in literally 4 months!!!!S o, now we are just waiting for af. With a 0.01% hope in hell that I'll be pregnant before then.

Testing

So, alot has happened today in my 4 hour mammoth dr's visit. My usual Dr is on holidays so I picked a 'nice' Dr I have seen once before at the same practice. I HIT THE JACKPOT 1st off, I have the slightest amount of RPOC (Retained products of conception) 2mm's worth to be exact. Not going to do another D&E, as he feels the RPOC is so minimal that I will still get my period and it will clear itself up then. (D&C = dilate and curettage = where they scrape it out with a 'spoon' type instrument. D&E = Dilate and evacuation = where they use like a vacuum to suck it out)
2nd, we think that this may have caused an infection in my left ovary. Had massive amounts of continuous pain in my left ovary and I'm kinda over it
3rd, Dr thought it was "a bunch of cr@p" to wait until 3 miscarriages before we did any testing. He said why put someone through that amount of stress and pain when there are so many things we can test for so easily.
4th, off to the pathologist for my TWELVE vial blood collection I am being tested for the following:
FBC - Just to check my levels and make sure everything is in order, will also cover white blood cells to show if I have an infection
HCG - Was down to 29 yesterday so hoping its still getting lower
R-CLA Checking the LUPUS antiphospholipid antibodyLUPUS antianticoagulant antibodies
LFT - Liver function test
Natural Killer Cells
And about 5 other things that I cant remember!!!
So I am VERY happy with my new Dr, who will now be my permanent Dr. Have to wait 3 daysfor the results, but at least something is happening. I thought I would have to fight for some form of testing, but much to my surprise he brought up most of the tests with me just throwing in the LFT. Also sent of MSU, but strip test showed no blood, no protein etc etc. So all in all a very productive, if not very LONG day at the Dr's.
However, no sexy time til after my period, due to the RPOC. DP is crushed (in a light hearted fun way, he's not an a$$), and asked if he can get his virginity back the way a woman can.
But at least we are moving forward in a positive direction.
__________________

12 Weeks

4th July, 2008

Today has been a bittersweet day.I would have been 12 weeks today . The day that I should be able to yell to the world from the rooftops that I am pregnant. That we are having a baby. I should feel a little safer, a little more secure in my pregnancy, and even be game enough to now buy some things for our anticipated arrival.
But, that is not to be. Today, after being told "congratulations on your pregnancy" I had to tell them that I had miscarried. I felt sorry for them? I felt sorry that I had to tell them that I had lost my baby. I felt sorry that I had put them in an uncomfortable position. And all this guilt I felt was for someone I had never met before, they were told I was pregnant buy a friend and hadn't been updated on the news. But she took it really well, told me she has had one too, and that she now has three screaming boys running around at home. So she handled the awkwardness really well.
The sadness that I felt when awaking to what should have been my 12 week milestone was replaced with hope for the future. I woke up and found that I have stopped bleeding. Just good old normal CM. I did contemplate hugging my CM at the sheer pleasure I had in finding it. But I figured perhaps it would be too messy, and I have plenty of time in the coming cycles to once again bond with my CM.
So the closing of one chapter is replaced by the opening of a new chapter. My life shall return to the waiting game. Waiting to O. The dreaded 2WW. Waiting for af. Or waiting for another . I hope we can make a sticky one this time.
POAS last night was only faintly positive, so my levels are going down pretty well I imagine.

May even have a drink to celebrate my body moving forward.

No Tears

By Monday morning I was worried that I was yet to cry, I was so busy trying to support my family who were all devastated, and was scared I would break down at any moment, as I hadn't done it yet. I just KNEW it was coming.
Monday night at 10.30pm I started feeling nauseas. That was all I needed to be pushed over the edge. I was crying and yelling at dp - who would do this, I wasn't sick once when I was pregnant and now I'm throwing up and I dont even have a baby. It was the release I needed.

D and C

I arrived at the hospital early and did not have to wait long. I was taken in, gowned, given my paper undies, and drugged up to the eyeballs. It was 3 1/2 hours from the time I walked out my front door to the time I walked back through it.
I was sore (crampy) and generally pi55ed off. DP took me away for the weekend so there was nothing for me to do but rest, and boy did I do that. My body would be great for a couple of hours and then bang, exhausted. But I am lucky that my bleeding immediately turned into spotting, and that is something I am thankful for.
We went shopping over the weekend and I bought something small to remember my angel by, it is always with me, but not big enough to draw attention from others.

Its all over

After the not finding out my results like I was supposed too, I went back to bed.
After all of about 12 minutes sleep it was 8 am and I could ring the hospital again. They cr@pped on about this and that until I bluntly said what part do you not understand, I just want my HCG results that were promised to me 12 hours ago. So I finally got them. 6500, I knew it was all over, I was 10 weeks and 5 days, there should have been more 00's on the end of that number.
Next task was to book in for U/S confirmation. thankfully they told me to come up straight away and that, although I may have a bit of a wait, they would fit me in as soon as possible. I waited 5 minutes. The sonographer recognised me. He was the man who showed me my baby's heartbeat at 5 weeks and 5 days, and it was now his job to tell me how long ago my baby had died.
8 weeks and 5 days. My body had held onto our angel for 2 weeks. Our little angels heart had only beaten for 3 weeks. I wasn't sad, I was so extremely thankful to have such a wonderful sonographer who did is job professionally as well as having some compassion, a lot more than I can say about the hospital staff.
I phoned the Pregnancy Clinic and advised them that it was all over, I would have been booked in immediately for a d&c but I had drunk too much water for the U/S. I was to be scheduled for the next day.

Emergency Room

So off we trotted to the hospital.
Thankfully I knew the RN on duty in the ED. I was taken straight in and had my BP taken, it was slightly high (normal range but classified as high for me) and I'm happy to put that down to me being very stressed under the circumstances. I was then taken out the back and they attempted to take bloods. They did a bloody cr@p job of it, 3 goes in one arm, 2 in the other. I was left with a haematoma in my left arm the size of a golf ball. The bruising is still yet to fade.I was told the bloods would take 2 hours.
I was admitted after this and the incompetent wards clerk took me to the post natal ward. I actually stopped her half way down the corridor and asked her if she thought it was appropriate to be taking someone to maternity who is more than likely having a miscarriage? She didn't even flinch, nor apologise and said oh cr@p am I going to the wrong place. This came after she repeatedly asked me if this was my 3rd child and had I been bleeding for 3 days. It is obviously not a pre-requisite for a wards clerk to be able to read the notes they have in front of them. After learning I was a nurse she then decided I could do my own handover to the ward, fine my me, at least they'd get accurate information then!!!!
I was put in a bed and told to change, 30 seconds later I was scolded for not being dressed yet. I then 'politely' told them that if they bothered to leave the curtains closed for two minutes I would be more than willing to get changed. I was told I was having an internal, then I was told I wasn't, then I was told I was. I stopped them and said I am bleeding slightly, my cervix is slightly open (no more then when I was checking for O when TTC), what other information do you need? The NURSE then proceeded to lift up my gown, look at my vagina and then place the gown back down. Righto, guess she just wanted to check out my bits????
So the OB Registrar FINALLY comes up with an ultrasound machine - I thought we were getting somewhere. Ultrasound machine goes on, wand goes on my belly, and she starts looking on the left hand side. I politely tell her its on the RIGHT hand side and she may get a better view by moving over there. She said there is no point as the u/s machine is so old and 'ready for retirement' that she isn't looking for a heartbeat, because she will not be able to detect it because of the cr@ppy flickering screen on the U/S. So the verdict is, yep there is something in your uterus, I just cant tell you what or how big.
So I'm in shock, pretty much disgusted with the entire evenings events. I asked for my Beta HCG as that would give me a clearer picture. Nope not ready. I was asked if I wanted to stay in overnight and have a 'proper' U/S the next day, or would I prefer to go home and book in to their clinic tomorrow. I chose to go home, with my U/S referral, intending to visit my OWN U/S clinic the next day. I was told to ring back at 10.00pm that night to get my HCG results.Back home and I had a nice bi7ch about how I'd never go to THAT hospital again
10.00pm rolls by and I ring back, no dr's around to give me the results, they are in surgery. Lady PROMISES me that if I take my phone to bed that a dr will ring me as soon as they have finished.
I went to sleep and wake up at 1am. No call. Sooooo I rang them back, was told that all dr's had left, no one around to give me the results, advised them of what I had been told. Was then told 'JUST BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU DOESN'T MEAN WE CARE". I told her I thought her bedside manner was lovely and did she perhaps think she was better suited to working in a morgue. All I can say is do NOT mess with a woman who is trying to find out if she has lost her baby.

Spotting

At 10 weeks and 5 days dp and I were cooking dinner. I need to go to the toilet, yet again, and was shocked to find the tiniest amount of brown blood when I wiped.

Now I used to be a nurse, and I do not buy into the concept of brown blood equals old blood and, therefore, nothing to worry about. I was almost 11 weeks pregnant and I had not had any spotting throughout my pregnancy.

I calmly went back to dp in the kitchen and told him I was beginning the bleed. I rang around and was unable to get into any medical centre at 7.30pm. It was becoming apparent that I would have to go to the ED if I wanted any answers.

As dp does shift work, I called a friend and asked her to come with me, on the promise that I would call dp if I got any news or I needed him.

We headed off to hospital at about 8:00pm.

Early Pregnancy

When I had my first bloods done I also requested an ealry ultrasound. So armed with my u/s request at 4 weeks, I went about life, as I waited 2 weeks for the scan. I put it off in the hope I would be able to see a heartbeat then.

Life continued as normal, kind of. I was consuming chocolate milk by the bottle and had an aversion to looking at raw chicken. I had no morning sickness, but was constantly tired. Day by day I was getting more and more impressed with my growing cleavage. I was not, however, impressed by the need to go to the toilet every 15 minutes.

It quickly rolled around to my scan date. I drank my 4000 litres of water and dp and I headed off for our scan. We were very fortunate to see a heartbeat at the eary stage of 5 weeks and 5 days. I measured exactly to what my dates were. It was real, it was confirmed. We were going to have a baby.

We again continued on life as normal. My tummy hardened instantly upon becoming pregnant. And by 7 weeks my pants were getting tighter. It appeared I was going to show pretty fast.

My sister and I compared complaints daily, neither of us had morning sickness, but she craved the opposite kind of food I craved.

We only had one person left to tell. DP's eldest sister, she had been out of the country and we wanted to tell her face to face. In retrospect, the baby had already died when we told her at 9 weeks.

I had booked my NT scan and from here all we had to do was wait for the first trimester to pass. I followed the rules, was careful with what I ate, never drank (not much of a drinker anyways), started practising to sleep on my left side, etc.

At 10 weeks we attended a party and everyone commented on how wonderful I looked. My skin was amazing, it was flawless and silky smooth. I wasn't aware that that would be the last function I'd attend as a pregnant woman.

We're Pregnant

I found out I was pregnant on the Thursday the 8th of May.
I had a coffee in the afternoon and it made me feel sick, I love my coffee and thought that was extremely strange.
I had done a HPT the two days previous - 13 & 14 dpo -with FMU (first morning urine), for no reason other than that I had some tests lying around the bathroom. They were both negative. I
After going and getting another 2 pack of HPT's I took the first one on 15 dpo at 9.30pm (definitely not FMU). The test line came up before the control line even came up. I was pregnant!!! WOO HOO

My partner and I had been trying for a few months, however, with so much on in April and May, we'd barely had time to even think about TTC (let alone doing anything that could actually get me pregnant), so it came as a pleasant surprise.

I went and had a blood test to check my HCG and also had the pre-natal blood screening. My HCG was just over 450 and the ante-natal screening came back all clear.

My partner and I decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks, my closest girlfriend was the only one who knew.

We carried on the next couple of weeks as normal, I had no morning sickness, I was just extremely tired.

My sister rang me from overseas 2 weeks after I had found out. She had news, she was pregnant. I responded by blurting out that I was too. It was fantastic and we were both so excited that we would be going through this journey together. She was a couple of weeks behind me, and we were going to have the first grandkids and great-grandchildren within weeks of each other. With such fantastic news, we decided to tell our families.

Naturally our families were ecstatic, especially my mother. Her dream was finally coming true, she'd been waiting for grandchildren ever since her children grew up. It was a great time for us and the excitement and anticipation, unfortunately, ended all to soon.

Introduction

I decided to create this blog as a way to anonymously write about my miscarriage and my journey to move forward from it.

I found many sites that explained the different types of miscarriage, I was given statistics and percentages and numbers, numbers, numbers - but my real help was found through the blogging of a few brave women who put their story on the internet for all to see.

As much as I wish for no other person to have to go through one, or more, miscarraiges, I found comfort in knowing that others have experienced what I had. Being able to read about someone who has been through the same emotions that I am encountering is actually comforting.

I have two hopes for this blog
1. Is to have an outlet in helping myself heal (no matter how much I say 'I'm fine")
2. That maybe, when a lone woman searches the internet for answers or understanding, she may stumble across this and find comfort in knowing that someone else has experienced her pain.