Hi,

Remeber me : )

Life has been chaotic with Xmas, New years and so so many birthdays, mine included.

My sister is due in 19 days, her OB thinks she will go by the end of next week.
The end of next week is my original due date.

What are the chances of that happening? My guess is a HUGE chance. I decided I'm not really ok with the baby coming on my due date. I know I have no say, but I would rather the chance to grieve, to feel all the hurt and the pain. I want the day for me. Just once :(

But at the end of the day what I really want is for my niece or nephew to arrive happy and healthy when he or she is ready :)

Progression

I am progressing. I was in the room with a lot of other people when a pregnancy was announced via speaker phone. I said congratulations and ooh’ed and ah’ed about her son being an older brother etc etc.

That may all sound like standard behaviour that happens everyday. But it hasn’t been like that for me for awhile. Um for about 14 months actually.

In the early stages of TTC, pregnancy announcements sucked because I wasn’t pregnant yet. When I was pregnant pregnancy announcements sucked cause I couldn’t share my news with anyone other than family because it was too early. When I lost my babies, pregnancy announcements just sucked, full stop. But now….. Now they are cool. I was genuinely happy for this person, which surprised me a little :)

The smile wasn’t fake, nor was the congratulations. And to be honest, I’ve faked it in the past, a lot recently.

So I’m making progress. Now just to hold my niece or nephew for the first time, who is due so close to my original due date. I really believe bubby will come on my due date, and although I would prefer it not too, if it does, it will allow me to celebrate that day for the rest of my life. Rather than fear it.

Having a rant

Ok, be prepared, I’m about to have a rant and a rave.

A friend of mine just lost her baby. The pregnancy came as a surprise. She was not sure if she was prepared or not. She decided they were stable enough to offer a baby a chance at a good life. They decided to keep the baby. 1 week later she had a miscarriage.

Now, upon telling people she had lost the baby, she was met with the following statements:
*everything happens for a reason
*well it wasn’t planned anyway
*next time everything will be fine
*you’re very young, consider it a blessing

I would just like to point out a few ‘problems’ I have with these comments.

*Everything happens for a reason
Right, what reason is that exactly? To make me miserable? To make me never be able to enjoy a pregnancy without freaking out about losing another baby? Or why, it happened because there was something wrong with my baby? – that’s great, now my body is incapable of making a healthy baby. Will it always be like this, or is my body just hopeless?
No matter what reason you thought this was a sensible comment to tell someone – IT IS NOT. She feels like 5hit, and there is no reason you can give her that makes it ok that this happened.

*Well it wasn’t planned anyway.
And? Your point is? So it wasn’t planned, does that mean I loved my baby less than you? Pfft, you’re kidding right. I can’t imagine that all the children out there running around in the world are loved on levels that are measured by whether they were planned or not. Alternatively, if someone can manage to fall pregnant by accident, are you jealous? Did it, or is it taking you a long time to fall pregnant and the pure truth is your jealous someone else did it without trying?

*Next time everything will be fine
Says who? Unless you have a time machine and can tell me my next pregnancy will be fine, shut up. I wanted it to be fine this time. Do you think that if next time everything IS fine, that I will magically forget about the baby I lost? I lost my baby, everything is not fine NOW, why are you trying to talk to me about next time?

*You’re very young, consider it a blessing
Do I even need to elaborate? Age does not determine how much you grieve your child. Granted, women in their later years may be more panicked that they are running out of time. Hell I’m 28 and scared I’ve left it too long; I imagine older women would feel that anguish a lot stronger. But that does not mean that it is a good thing to happen because someone is younger. The child was wanted, which in turn makes a miscarriage devastating. Left with what ifs and what could have been’s. Perhaps someone younger may even take it harder than what I would, maybe they are yet to deal with guilt and grief. What a sad, sad way to be introduced to such emotions.

Look I know the majority of people have NO IDEA what to say to us, or how to help us when we lose a baby. But, honestly, the best comments I received went along the lines of this:
‘That’s 5hit, I’m so very sorry’
‘I can’t imagine how you are feeling; I just wanted to let you know that I am here if you need me’

If you DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, say that….. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. That’s enough you know. Just you acknowledging it is enough.

It’s a horrible position to be in, to have to talk to someone who is grieving. But please do not try and give me some justification for this happening. There is none. She is sad, and my guess is that a little piece of her will be sad forever. She’ll be able to function again one day, like nothing is wrong. But please, for now, just tell her your sorry, and that you are there for her. I promise you that will be enough.

A bump in the road

I wrote a massive post and lost the whole thing!!!!!!

Over the past few days DP and I have reached the decision that we will not be TTC again until 2010. This is a massive decision that we did not come to without shedding many a tear.

My life has become a minefield of trying to avoid having miscarriages, stressing about miscarriages, and trying to deal with my miscarriages. It pains me so much to know that I carried two children who I never had a chance to meet. I no longer sleep properly, as my head continually ticks over thinking about what is, what was and what could have been. The past 6 months has been emotional torture for me, and I know my unhappiness has led DP to be stressed and worried about me. We no longer have sex for fun, but instead to make a baby. I was also so focused on being pregnant before 16th January that I was wishing time away. I am still very scared about how I will feel on that date, as well as on the 4th May. But I am allowing myself the chance to fall apart on those days, to cry, to grieve, and to pretty much lose the plot. But I think that that is healthier than spending every second of every day trying to get pregnant, or thinking about getting pregnant before then. Those days are going to suck, and I just have to deal with it.

We are going to discuss surgery options with the OB in regards to the scarring on my left ovary. I thought I was doing a fantastic job of disguising the excrutiating pain I have been having, but more then a few people have talked to DP after noticing my discomfort. So now its out it the open.... It farking hurts. ALOT. Most of the time really. I am in pain from CD1 right up until about 4 days after O. So for about 18 days of each cycle, I'm in pain, no matter what movement I make. It all has to do with the maturing of eggs and actual ovulation. However on EVERY day of my cycle, If I stretch to the right too far, it hurts, because it creates pulling on the left. If I lean to far to the left, it hurts because it squashes the area that is scarred. Or it just decides to hurt for no apparent reason, like right now. So it needs to be attended to.

The past few days have been amazing. Firstly, we had absolutely fantastic sex (with a condom!!!), for no reason other than to have sex. O'ing was a pain in the a55 cause it was painful and stopped me from going about my usual things. It was an irritant, rather than that freak out time that usually meant OPK's, Maybe Baby, Green Tea, Robitussin, and well timed sex.

The instant we decided we wouldn't be TTC'ing for awhile, my head seemed to clear. The cloud that had been hovering over me for so long seemed to disappear. I have been so scared about being pregannt again. I was so so sure I would miscarry again, and I wasn't sure how I could cope. I kept telling everyone I would try once more and give up if it did not work out. I feel now though, that giving myself a chance to find some happiness again will make me stronger for next time we TTC.

I am not silly, I know when we TTC again I will become CP Checking, CM monitoring, BBT taking, Robitussin & green tea drinking, planned sex, crazy lady again. But, thats ok, I'm fine with that, I know I'll have a lot of other ladies to freak out with on BH. But for now, I'm going to have sex becasue I'm h0rny, not because my temp dropped, or spiked, or because I have EWCM.

I dont think I can give up blogging completely. There are so many journey's I want to watch unfold. TTC'ers who will get their BFP's. Those unfortunate to have experienced losses, to get to their baby after so many detours in the journey. And those who are currently waddling around, about to become wonderful parents, on a journey that will change their lives. I'm not prepared to give that up just yet. I may not be trying, but I'll be following everyone through their journey's.

So, I figured I'd post, and let you all know what was happening, instead of just disappearing into internet oblivion. I'll be lurking in the shadows, and of course, there is always facebook

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support and encouragement. Your kind words helped me through some very, very dark times this year. And you helped celebrate some happy times, long before anyone in real life knew what was going on.

If anyone ever needs a shoulder to cry on, who has any questions that they think I can help with...please msg me. I will always be here to lend support to those in need.

The book isn't finished, its just a new chapter.

Aaaaaarrrrrgggggggh

I'm farking over it. I can't handle this anymore.

Twice the Dr has pointed out that the ovarian ectopic could have killed me. IT DIDN'T. A freaking bus could hit me any day of the week.

DP wont let this go. For the FIRST time since all this has been happening dp has piped up with 'I dont think we should try again cause its your safety we're talking about'.

Fark me. Seriously. You could have told me this PRIOR to me having a catheter stuck up my freakin cervix.

I've had enough, I feel like pulling up stumps and giving the whole TTC game away.

I can't have a baby without dp - well not technically true, I can, but do not want to.

How long do I wait in hope his fears go away.

This is all too farking hard. I battle on everyday, when in reality I am absolutely broken inside.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Well I’m still in the process of having a major panic attack whilst I wait for the karotyping results. The path lab sends all genetic testing to the Children’s Hospital at Westmead, and their policy is to mail out results to the Dr, NOT to fax them like most other labs. So I am unsure whether I will even get the results this week or not. They are ready TODAY, but I have no idea when they will be sent to my Dr.

Therefore it appears I will miss out on any chance of being pregnant again in 2008 L

OB Follow up

I was extremely nervous once the Dr’s appointment had been changed. I thought the day would drag on, but it went so, so fast. Before I knew it dp and I were in the car and on our way. I honestly think that drive did more for my heart rate than any exercise ever could. Nothing like a bit of panic to get your heart rate up!!!

For the first time I had to wait to see the Dr, it was only about half an hour, which didn’t really bother me all that much. Once we were in we sat in silence for a few minutes while he read through all of the results and looked at the scan pictures.

First off he advised that the karotyping results weren’t in yet, which pi55ed me off. I had rung the pathology results area to ensure they would be ready PRIOR to making an appointment with the Obstetrician. They had told me they would be ready last week? Right, obviously?

He asked me to speak first. I told him I have recurring pain in my left ovary, before ovulation. And hence the reason I have a lot of in-depth ultrasounds of my ovaries. He said ‘oh that’s why they did that; because I knew I hadn’t requested them’. He said she must have liked me because usually they will not do anything outside of what is listed on the referral. So finally something went my way…..

He agreed that the pain would be the maturing follicles pressing on the scarred area. He also said he did not believe it was necessary to operate unless I was in too much pain. I later told dp that I would not opt for a surgery near my reproductive organs unless I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk.

The tricky part came when I was talking about the ectopic, and chances of it happening again. He said he is 90% sure I had an ovarian topic. Empty sac in uterus, large mass that kept growing in left ovary. But he could not tell me 100% that it was though, because he did not operate. He could only have told me for sure if he had operated and sighted the ovary for himself.

My concern personally is that I developed the scarring after the infection from the D&C, and that this is specifically what caused the ectopic. He said we will never know whether I scarred before or after the ectopic. But he said my chance of having an ectopic (with no history of ectopics) is 1 in 100. My chance of having an ectopic (with a history of ectopics) is 1 in 80-90. He is confident that I will carry my next pregnancy to term, barring any chromosomal abnormalities with the bubby. I’m glad he is confident, because I sure as hell am not.

My thyroid results came back at a perfect level, right in the mid range of normal. So another test can get crossed off the list.

I have therefore been given the green light to TTC this cycle, PROVIDING the results of the karotyping come back ok.

Next time I fall pregnant (please be soon, please be soon) I have to have bloods from the very beginning every 2 days to monitor BHCG and Progesterone. I have to have a scan at 6 weeks to check for an ectopic. I have to take baby aspirin from 7 weeks. And if my progesterone level is not adequate I will have to have that too. However he does not think progesterone is an issue as i do not have an LP defect.
So I have rung the pathology place again today, and have been told that my results will be ready tomorrow morning, and that hey will be faxed directly to my Dr. If I have not heard from him by lunch time, I will be chasing it up again.

HSG day

I headed home from work today at 12.00, armed with my bottle of water.

By the time I got home to shower, I was quite prepared to wet my pants already
I took a naprogesic and a voltaren as instructed, and continued to fill my bladder to expoding point.
I didn't have to wait to long, and was happy that dp could come in with me to hold my hand.
I started with the regular transabdominal u/s to get some measurements of the outside of my uterus.
She checked where both my ovaries were, and this prompted me to discuss with her my concerns with my left ovary.
After the d&c the Dr believed I may have had an infection in my left ovary based on the excessive pain I was having constantly. Ovualtion was a killer the next month. Subsequently I fell pregnant that cycle, and as we all know, it ened up being inside the left ovary.
I mentioned to her that I was having a lot of pain again at the beginning of my cycle and that I thought it was the maturing eggs pushing on some scarring or aomething like that? And that I have been spotting at ovulation also. I honestly thought she would say to bring it up with the dr (which I had planned on doing on Tuesday).
To my surprise, she said 'well go empty that bladder and we'll do a thorough 3d scan of your ovaries for you Dr also'.!!!! woohoo, I love people that get things done :)
Peeing was wonderful , and I went back for my transvaginal u/s.
My uterus looked fine again, the lining was fine, and as I knew, was recorded as retroverted. Its measurements are 69 x 36 x 47 mm. My right ovary is 25 x 15 x 16mm and has two follicles. The left ovary.......

Measures 35 x 23 x 27mm and contains 5 - 6 follicles. The left ovary appears to move with the uterine sidewall suggesting some associated adhesions possibility related to the recent ovarian ectopic.

I also have u/s pictures of the left ovary that has 'SCARRING', 'SCARRING, 'SCARRING' marked all over them

My personal opinion is that the infection caused the scarring, and the subsequent ectopic. Not the other way around. (does that make sense?) But you dont see me getting paid 100's of 1000's of dollars for my medical opinion , so I am TRYING to hang out til tuesday before I look too deeply into this.

Next was my Saline hysterosonogram. Not entirely terrible.
I had the duck bill thingy put in, and then she cleaned my cervix with something, I assume betadine. I did not feel the catheter being inserted at all, and was shocked when she said we are now going o fill the uterus with water. Ah, uncomfortable . But not as bad as I had expected. I did, however, take 2 napro's an hour before, as instructed.
So the duckbill came out and the dildocam went back in, and the saline solution kept getting pushed through. My uterus looks fine, measures fine etc etc. And I also have good tubal patency, so will probably avoid a hycosy any time in the near future.

Once they take the catheter out, the saline pours out of you and its gross. I felt like I had wet myself. Every time I move my bum to a different angle, some more squelches out.

I have a bit of spotting. But it is blood streaked CM, not full bleeding. And I was told to expet this.

So now I have to wait until Tuesday before I know whether I can TTC.

I am unsure whether the left ovary adhering to the uterus will need to be fixed? I know its a common thing with endo, and it is not always something that is acted upon. I guess its the Dr's call. My biggest fear is that I will end up with another ovarian ectopic.

I hope I can make it to Tuesday without Dr Google sending me insane.

For all those having a Saline HSG, don't stress, its not too bad.

Slowly going insane......

Where to start.....
Monday, I was told of a very young friends shock unplanned pregnancy. I congratulated her, told her I was hear to talk if she needed it. I then went home, had 3 drinks and was blind drunk. Skipping lunch was not a sensible option that day.
Tuesday, said friend flipped out at being pregnant and booked a termination. In the fifty phone calls I had with her that day, I supported her through every fear, every anxiety and every up and down. I told her that she cannot worry about other people (namely me) who have problems with having babies, but instead she needed to make a decision that was right for her. Unfortunately giving me the embryo wasn't really a viable option. She booked her termination for Friday. And I told her I would support her no matter what happened. The only advice I had was to go and see the heartbeat first, then make your decision. I did not hear from her for the rest of the day / night. We were sure that she had gobe and had the termination done that day. I came home and cried.
Wednesday, I went to work, and instantly received an email from pregnant friends work colleague and other counsellor . She had gone to work, and she had some news for me, her and her partner were having a baby. So I cried again, I was happy that she had thought about things, and made that decision. I would have supported her 100% with her termination, but I was ecstatic that she was keeping the baby.
Wednesday Night I had a massive D&M with an interstate friend who was up to visit. I was physically shaking while I told my story. I dont think I have ever had to tell the story in full from start to finish. It took a lot out of me and I was extremely emotional on the way home. However there weren't any tears.But the time I got home I had a headache, not quite a migraine, but a big enough headache to stop me from sleeping. I sat up and thoguht alot. Then tried to sleep. I t didn't work, so I thoguht some more.
Thursday (today), I woke up after minimal sleep with a screaming headache worse than when I had gone to bed. So I though 5crew it, I'm staying home. I grabbed my laptop and curled up in bed to read some of the blogs I follow. The blogs gave me some comfort, and a feeling of being part of a wider community that have to deal with IF. But by lunch I had finished reading and was thinking again. Never a good sign. And I pretty much thought myself into hysterics. I got to the point where I was sucking in the breaths just before you bawl your eyes out. And just as I was about to bawl, the musings of a pregnant blogger entered my head. And so, again, I thought 5crew it. And jumped in the damn shower fully clothed and then proceeded to bawl. DP came home about 2 minutes after I got in the shower, took one look at me fully clothed and went 'oh f*ck' and then HE got in the shower fully clothed with me. So then I snuggled into him and bawled some more. Once I had kind of snapped out of it, I looked at both of us fully clothed, and then saw the dog standing at the shhower door looking at us as though we were stark raving mad. Naturally, I grabbed the dog and put her in there with us. And for another ten minutes (til I ran out of hot water) I was the happiest I had been in awhile. I was emotionally exhausted, but I think you have to reach that point every now and then so the happiness can break down the misery and sneak in.
A couple of hours later I thought I would listen to DP's new Metallica CD, while I took a shower, unclothed, and shaved and trimmed and plucked, in preparation for tomorrows insertion of a freakin tube into my cervix, combined with another round of dildo cam.
Oh dear!!! You realise your life is at a pretty 5hit point when the new Metallica album is the anthem to your life at the moment.
We have songs such as:
The end of the line
Broken, beat & scarred
The day that never comes
All nightmare long
I did, however, have to laugh that my life had become something that Metallica could sing about. I'll give you an example of some of the words from the songs:
Like a misery that keeps me focused,
though I've gone astray,
like an endless nightmare that,
I must awaken to each day

or

I hide and feel it passing me by,
I open just in time to say goodbye,
Almost like your life,
almost like your endless fight,
curse the day is long,
realise you dont belong,
disconnect somehow
never stop the bleeding now

or

Luck. Runs. Out.
Crawl from the wreckage one more time.
Horrific memory that twists the mind.

or

You rise
You fall
You're down, then you rise again,
What dont kill ya will make you more strong.

So I did end up in fits of laughter that my sad life can be summed up by Metallica. But hell I'm 5hit scared about tomorrow, and if thats the sort of thing that makes me laugh today. So be it.
__________________

I am not dead.

I am here, I am alive.

I have my saline HSG booked tomorrow and have a million things going on in my head. SoO much that I just cant blog at the moment. I need to sort my head into some sort of order, perhaps it will allow me to write it down without sounding like a lunatic.

Briefly.....

*Saline HSG tomorrow.
*Karotyping results are back
*Thyroid results are in
*HSG, Karotyping and Thyroid results on Tuesday at appointment with OB
*Dealt with an unplanned pregnancy of a 20 y.o. Naturally I had to be the counsellor. - I did get slightly drunk once notified though :)
*Am shit scared about tomorrow


I shall return, I shall write something slightly more interesting.

Until then, for those dealing with the shit of IF and don't really know how to put their frustration into words.... I highly recommend this blog.

Catch up Posts - November

6th Nov

Still stuck in the land of bugger all happening.....
Just O'd, and had spotting again to go with it.
Am starting to wonder whether my right ovary even works?
Its not doing much.
Have absolutely nothing exciting to report, sorry.


10th Nov


I'm attempting to be positive from now on. Its my new forced state of mind. I was stressing badly leading up to the baby shower, and was pleased when I made it through the day unscathed, and without having a nervous break down. Dare I say I even enjoyed myself Survived going into the nursery for the first time too.
Last thing left is to hold the baby when he/she arrives. My guess is a few tears at that point will not send everyone into a panic that I'm emotionally distraught
HyCoSy about 2 1/2 - 3 weeks away I guess. And Am hoping once the results of that are in I can TTC again. I think it will be the last two weeks of December that I get the go ahead, PROVIDING my tests come back ok.

11th Nov


Am guessing hycosy is two weeks away not 3.
I think af is due in 7 days. I havent been keeping track with FF since the last m/c. I decided to have a break from it all. Am scared to let myself think that I have a shot at being pregnant again this year. Its all very very scary.
I'm not sure if I will be able to relax at all if I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again. Until I finally have my newborn baby in my arms, I think I will always be on tenterhooks. Now, no milestone feels safe. 12 weeks doesn't do much to alleviate my concerns. I think it will be a loooong pregnancy for me. I really hope that I will be able to enjoy being pregnant if I get there again.
Time will tell I guess!!

14th Nov


So it appears the only decent pregnant women live on the net and a few I know IRL.
Because all the ones I've seen lately are busy smoking, drinking, or cleverly multitasking and doing both.
I have a new theory on this. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, I barely even moved off the freakin lounge when I was pregnant. I've heard so much whinging from 'accidental' pregnancies. I've listened to parents tell their kids that they hated them and wished they had never been born. Granted that this sort of thing was happening prior to my miscarriages, even prior to me TTC. But my radar had not been updated with that software then. It appears my software upgrade went a bit haywire. It seems I can only focus on the 'tsk tsk' pregnant women, or the excessively mean parents.
My miscarriages have taught me not to judge MOST people. If someone is rude, distant, etc, I dont assume they are just rude human beings, I actually consider the fact that I have no idea what has happened in their lives, and I don't know what they are dealing with behind closed doors. I am more patient, I am more empathetic, I am more sympathetic, and I am genuinely more caring of people as individuals. BUT the upgrade did not extend to DRUNK pregnant women, pregnant women that whinge that their pregnancy was an accident and they don't want another little brat, or people who are obviously breeding so they just dont have to go to work.
They just 5hit me to tears. I've been up and down emotionally, so many things have been messing with my head. I've had a lot of ups though, which is great. I know many women on the net and IRL who are, nervously, pregnant after miscarriages this year. It gives me a lot of hope.
I am very very scared of my procedure which will be sometime in the next two weeks. The idea of having something inserted into my cervix while I'm AWAKE, is not a comforting thought.
DP and I are also getting our blood tests done tomorrow. We wanted to wait so we got all the results at once, and the karotyping will take 2 weeks.
But hey, only a few more weeks til 2009 bring it on I say.

Catch up posts - October

1st Oct

Still drifting along in no man's land.
HCG should be 0 now.
But we aren't going to test it again til next week.
OB rang me at 7.00pm very dedicated little Dr.
Him: Your HCG levels are good, no?
Me: Yeah excellent
Him: I told you the injection is good stuff, no?
Me: Yes I'm very glad it worked, and that I only needed one shot.
Him: When you want pregnant again?
Me: As soon as I'm allowed.
Him: You come in next week and we look at uterus, no? Oh hang on, next week public holiday, you have period then we look inside, no?
Me: No problems at all.
He cracks me up, the only 'odd' thing he does is throw in the 'no' at the end of almost every sentence. And he really refers to things as 'good stuff', he was very pleased with himself.
So I have to wait for my period, which I have no clue when will be here.
Then he can look inside, no.

2nd Oct

I did something so, so stupid.
I just played with the pregnancy calculator.
If I hadn't lost the first baby I'd be 24 weeks and 6 days.
If I hadn't lost the second baby I'd be 9 weeks and 3 days.

13 Oct

I've had a very bad couple of weeks.
Had to endure a second round of miscarrying to expel what was left in my ovary. Very very painful. After that I fell into a pretty dark mood. I wasn't sleeping, and was not at all a pleasurable person to be around. It lasted about a week, and then, after a BRILLIANT sleep, it finally lifted.
The fact that I had to go through hell AGAIN, really screwed with my head. I'm not sure when we will start trying again now. I'm thinking perhaps another year. My biggest fear is that everything will go pear shaped again. and to be honest, I am no where near able to cope with that any time soon. I finally believe I have come through all the 5hit, and all the pain. I finally feel like I am on the 'other' side of it all. And its kinda nice over here. I'm not prepared to put myself in a position where I may have to go through that again. Not yet anyways.
I'm just trying to look forward to next year. I know its not a good thing to wish time away, but I am really really over this year.
So I will re-evaluate how I feel in 2009.
But for now, I'm happy, and I want to stay like that.

15 Oct

Feeling a lot better the last few days.I obviously needed some decent nights sleep. I'm still not sure if not sleeping was making me crabby and stressed or if being crabby and stressed was making me not sleep??
Either way, am doing a lot better.
Am doing so well that I have finally found the strength I needed to begin organising my sisters baby shower. Was putting it off for so long as I just couldn't force myself to look at anything to do with the shower.
My sister on the other hand..... I LOVE playing with her belly. Have only had one instance where I was stupid enough to let my head wonder what size I would bein comparison to her. But I pushed it aside and things have gone back to being great.
Am scared though of going into the nursery when it has been set up. Everything is in there but they are all still in boxes. I think dp and I will have to venture in there one day alone. I will need him to hold me up incase I break.
TTC is off the cards for a year. I'm going overseas with family next year and do not want to be pregnant for it. I am wondering though if its a bandaid fix for my brain. I quite happy with my decision, but we'll see how I react when the Dr says, ok you can start trying again????? Only time will tell I guess.


17 Oct

Feeling better seems to be the story of the week.
A lot happier, and feeling a lot healthier.
Not having the consistent pain I was getting last week.
I seem to have been given a week off YAY
Full steam ahead with the baby shower, and I have pretty much everything organised, except for the decorations. But I already know where I plan on getting those, so just need to get mum when she has a free moment to come and help me select them.
Not much else happening in baby related news. I have to wait for af before I can schedule another appointment with my OB.
He rang last week as my mum and my sister had told him I was depressed. He said do I want to come in straight away.
I told him I wasn't depressed, that I was stressed, and hadn't been sleeping. That there was no cause for alarm, I had just had a 5hit week. My mother has a massive tendancy to over-react. If you're sad that = depression. A bit strange considering she's been a nurse for 20 years and should know the difference between pi55ed off and depression. I spend alot of time planning how I will speak to her about different things. Trying very hard not to upset her, she's become very positive about my sisters baby, and I dont want to jeopardise that.

22 Oct

I got af today.
First af since m/c # 2 this year.
Feel a bit odd.
It coincided with a pregnancy announcement from work.
At lunch everyone was talking loudly across the floor about whether its a girl or boy etc etc. The girl is only 6 weeks. She actually made a formal announcement about it. gathered up the entire department and told us all. All 60 of us........
Oh well, maybe my turn next year.

23 Oct

Well I guess I should explain why I was pretty crabby in my last post.
Yes, yes af arriving 10 seconds after a pregnancy announcement is a fairly good reason for being 5hitty........ But that wasn't the entire reason.
Once I realised af arrived, I immediately called my Dr and made the earliest appointment. As per my Dr's instructions last month. So all that was scheduled, and then I got to thinking......What if he cant find anything wrong? I'm not concerned if he finds a septum. Thats a reasonable and acceptable reason for multiple losses. And it can be fixed, most times very very successfully. But if he finds nothing, well then what?
Then there will be hystopingowhatchamacallits, and hysteroscodoovies, and to be honest. I dont want tooooooooo.
I'm having an 'i'm over it' kind of week. I still want to be pregnant, I still want a bubba'. But I guess I'm just 5hit scared this time.

27 Oct

tomorrow is the big day.
I'm 5hit scared to be honest.
I've had areally bad and emotional day.
fingers crossed I have some sort of news tomorrow.

27th Oct

So I think I need to write down how I'm really feeling. Rather than putting 4 or so lines....
I had a bad day, I was sick and also nervous about tomorrow. I had a really bad sleep last night, and dp only had 2 hours sleep before heading to work for 16 hours.
Then I came home and read what a friend went through today, and that made me so so sad for her. Which again made me angry that people have to go through this at all. I had just finished reading all of her posts, and was listening to the 3 feral kids two doors up SCREAMING, all three of them. And I was listening to their mum say she wished she never had kids. Which stirred up a million emotions.
DP walked in, after 16 hours at work in the heat, and the first thing he said was....... glad I dont have to come home to that (i.,e the screaming kids). I KNOW what he meant (the kids are wild - parents practically ignore them), BUT it was the timing. And I burst into tears. I had finally worked out why I had been feeling 'better'. My friend spelt it out for me. I had finally begun to perhaps believe that my miscarriages weren't my fault. That perhaps I have something that is interfering with being able to carry successfully. And then I got hit with reality. Is tomorrow my turn to find out that there is nothing wrong. That there is no medical reason why I lost my babies. That the empty feeling that I feel everyday will never go away?
I try to be strong everyday, but some days it all just piles up on you. Today was that day. And to make matters worse, in what can only be described as an act of pure stupidity.....
I decided to look through my belly pics. I loved my belly. I looked at a couple of pics as the little bump grew, until I got to the last pic. Which was when I realised that it was taken the night before I found out I had lost the first baby. I was so so happy. And in less than 24 hours that was all taken away. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest I have ever been. In 24 short hours.
And to be honest, I've never gotten back up from that. Sure I was excited that I fell pregnant again, but I was also petrified. So 4 months after my first m/c, I'm still stuck in no mans land. And the longer it lasts, the more I believe that this is how I feel for the rest of my life. Sure I put on a happy face, I play the part that needs to be played at any given time. But inside I am totally and utterly broken.So my question is, What the fark do I do? Talk to someone? How much more can I talk about this? I have an extended medical family with whom I have discussed this with indepth. So where to now?
Every time you think you are getting on top of it, something happens and knocks you back down to the ground. So how am I supposed to feel about tomorrow. On one hand, I dont want anything to be wrong. Who would actually want there to be a problem, realistically. But on the other hand, if there is a problem, than I may have a reason. And I am beginning to think that a REASON outways being REALISTIC any day of the week So if you have any ideas how the hell to straighten out my brain, my emotions, my life - feel free to let me know!!!!!!!

28th Oct

Dr's appointment went ok.
My left ovary is back to normal and functioning fine.
HyCoSy scheduled for Day 7 of next cycle. I'm currently on Day 6, so a full month to go.
Have referral for blood tests for my thyroid and then for karotyping for both myself and dp. The best part was... he bulk billed the karotyping, which I have heard is expensive.

Catch up post - September

Ok, so I went MIA. I lost my internet for a month. I lost my mind for a couple of months lol.

I'm here. And I have sooooo much to post. I'll do it in a couple of big posts. In chronological order.

24th Sept
I have been on a pretty great high all day, after the fantastic news about my HCG.But now, now I'm a bit low. What do I do now?
I spent two weeks trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. But thats past, I survived that and made it through to the other side.
I was waiting for my hcg to drop. Its dropped. Now how do I not think about TTC for the next three months. Especially considering I still have to have regular blood tests til I get to 0. I have to have follow up testing. First plan is aan ultrasound (when I'm down to 0) to check that the mass has dissapated on my ovary. Next is a hysteropingogram to check for damage from the D&C as well as the ectopic.
But what I am left wondering is......How do I go from procedure to prodcedure without 'thinking' about having a baby. I can't do anything about it. I can not TTC for another 2 and half months. I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a long time. It would be easy to distract myself if I wasn't having regular blood tests. It would be easy if I was not planning to have things stuck up my hoo ha in the near future.
Mmmmmm not sure what to do

26 Sept

Feeling a bit brighter today.Fascinated with playing with my finger as it is all messed up. I severed a nerve so I have that weird tingling, numb feeling when I poke at it. Wont know if I regain proper sensation for up to six months!!!!I think the shifting weather is wreaking havoc on my moods. I'm in a cr@ppy mood when its cold, but feel more optimistic when it is hot, like today.Heading out tomorrow night, and even plan on ringing the OB to ask if I'm allowed to partake in a beverage as yet???

29 Sept

Day 0 - 2700
Day 4 - 2630
Day 7 - 2320
Day 11 - 2030
Day 14 - 187
Day 18 - 18

Day 14 Bloods

Day 0 - 2700
Day 4 - 2630
Day 7 - 2320
Day 11 - 2030
Day 14 - 187

So, so, so happy. YAY!!!!!!!

Nothing like a little miscarriage to sort out your HCG levels.

'D' day - FINALLY

NOTE: This posts contains A HIGHLY GRAPHICAL, DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF A NATURAL MISCARRIAGE. If you are squeamish, or not comfortable with the mention of blood (and worse) please do not read this post. I am determined to write up my story because it is a part of my journey. And others who are unlucky enough to have to experience this also, will know that they are not alone. My experience is not text-book, it is unique to me. If you are experiencing something similar, please do not rely on my story to ascertain if what you are experiencing is 'normal'. I've highlighted where the story gets graphic with some *****

I guess this part of my story really begins on Saturday night.

After watching the footy on tv, I decided to go to bed - relatively early. DP and I were marvelling at my stomach which had gone ROCK hard, and it looked like I was 5 months pregnant. I even took a few photos it was that impressive. But off to bed and I fell asleep quite quickly.

12.30am sees a random call to dp's mobile, which startled both of us out of a deep sleep. I got up and went to the bathroom (stupid hcg), and was feeling a little 'funny'.

I laid back down and the second my head hit the pillow I instantly sat back up in pain. It felt like someone was squeezing the bejeebus out of my uterus - slowly. It lasted about a minute, and the pain peaked at about 30 seconds. The pain wore off slowly, not instantly. It decreased in pain at the same rate it had increased. This went on for 30 minutes. I was sitting on the edge of the bed just rocking and rocking and rocking - oh and lots of deep breathing.

After it stopped I went back to bed, and slept fine for the rest of the night.

After the weird night, I had a sleep in on Sunday. DP and I had plans for lunch with the outlaws, and set off on our 1 1/2 drive at about 11.00am. I was doing ok til about half way through lunch. Then I started getting the pains similar to the night before, only a bit milder. I had to keep excusing myself to get up and walk around, and then sneak off to the toilet for the umpteenth time to check out if anything was happening.

After the LONGEST LUNCH IN HISTORY, everyone decided to go for a walk along the beach. I told dp that there was no way in hell I could manage that walk, and I headed back to his sisters house to rest. I went to the toilet and noticed that, although the bleeding was getting heavier, it wasn't that bad. I was in more and more pain and was only getting a break of about 15 minutes, before the pain set in for its usual 30 minute stint.

I'd been attempting to rest for an hour, when I knew that I couldn't take anymore. Home was going to be a 2 1/2 hour drive away as we had to drop MIL off at home first. I needed to be at home.

I texted dp and told to him to wrap up the beach stroll as things were getting serious and I wanted to get home. Thankfully they were already on their way back. NOT thankfully, MIL and dp's sisters MIL thought now was the perfect time to stand at the door and talk about something trivial. I turned my back and slowly swung my hips to get through the pain. My eyes were watering, but if I cried, we'd have to tell everyone what was happening. So I sucked it up, and swung my hips til the pain subsided. I must have looked slightly odd. I think SIL didn't buy the 'oh she has her periods'.

We FINALLY got in the car and I got hit again with pain. MIL and SIL (who I love dearly) would not shut up, and I desperately wanted silence. I had my head turned out the window as far as possible so they couldn't see the tears silently sliding down my cheeks. I couldn't rock or swing my hips now, and just had to hold on til it passed. The first thirty minutes of that trip was absolute hell. DP kept watching me in the rearview mirror, and was driving way too fast in an attempt to get me home as soon as possible.

Once we got to MIL's house, I went to bathroom yet again, heavier but no real clotting. We left immediately and headed home.

I was getting increasingly more uncomfortable in the car. I couldn't sit on my bum properly because it sort of squashed my uterus and made the pain even worse. I was shifting from being on my left side to being on my right side, for the majority of the way home. I was very restless.

Now there is only one way to describe the next part so you actually uinderstand what I mean.....

You know the feeling of needing to go to the toilet when you're driving home? You know how when you get about ten minutes from home your bladder seems to know and the urge to pee is even greater? You know when you're 2 minutes from home and your bladder has a fit cause you are soooo close to home???

Well apparently your uterus knows this game too. We got off the freeway and the pain intensified. We got around the corner from home and the pain increased again - ten fold. We got home at 6.15pm. Of course my neighbour was out the front, having just returned from her weekend away. So I managed 5 minutes of chat. All the while I was rocking backwards and forwards and side to side. She looked at me funny, and I said its all happening. She knows the story.

*****This is where the story gets graphic.

So, I'm sure everyone knows the theory behind my next exercise. I tried scalding my back and my stomach in the shower to try and alleviate the pain, as well as helping the bloodflow along. I also did a very very thorough cleaning. So that I could accurately measure from then on how much blood I lost.

So out of the shower and I begin drying myself. I bent down to dry my feet and blood just started pouring out of me, onto the bath mat. (May I add that prior to leaving that morning I had JUST put the new and clean fluffy bath mat in the bathroom. I wasn't impressed.)

So I jumped straight onto the toilet and just sat there for a minute in a bit of shock. DP came in and he asked what I wanted. Stain remover from the laundry - look at the damn bath mat. This was what was important at that moment?????

So while I sat on the toilet poring out blood, I sprayed the mat with stain remover. Now I could concentrate on the matter at hand.

DP stood awaiting my instructions. I sat, covered in only a towel, and assessed what I would need. Ok I need clothes. A big loose dress felt appropriate. I need undies. I need another pad. I need a can of coke. And go next door because I want a smoke. (DP doesn't smoke, I used too - but we both seem to want a smoke after a miscarriage).

Here's me, at 6.45pm sitting naked on the toilet, coverd in a towel so dp doesn't have to watch what is happening, with a can of coke at my feet, a pad carefully placed by dp in my undies at my feet, and me, stil unable to move. The silence was intermittently interupted with comments such as 'this is 5hit' or 'this is crap'.

I honestly was going to stay there all night - or until it was over. But there was one problem. I could cope with the pain. What I couldn't cope with was the feeling of the blood rushing out of me. I'd wipe every now and then when it got too much. And would kick dp out if there was a clot so I could investigate. But I had to get up, because the grossness was outweighing the benefit of being on the toilet. At some point I had managed to get a nice, short loose dress on.

I ripped the pad out of the undies and tried to hold that up against me while dp tried to put my undies on. All the while I had to keep the actual toilet covered with the towel so dp couldn't see all the blood.

I took a five minute break and went out the back and had my can of coke and a smoke. I sat with the soles of my feet flat against each other in front of me, and laid my body over my feet. I needed pressure on my uterus to help with the pain. Kind of like when you have a headache and push on your temples for relief.

Break over, I got back to business. I knelt on the floor and leant over the bed. Ooh'ing and ah'ing while I frantically rocked my hips. Dp would come and go every five minutes to see if he could help, or if I needed anything. This was usually met with 'yes, I need you to make it go away', or 'I need you to make it stop'. He was however, helpful with my request for a 'friggen hot', hot water bottle.

I went back to leaning over the bed, but this time with the hot water bottle literally burning my stomach too. But I couldn't concentrate enough to hold it. Easy fixed. Next request. I need one of YOUR belts (he's lots bigger than me). So I belted in the hot water bottle up against my uterus. Good trick and I highly recommend it :)

I lasted another half hour or so, trying to breathe through the pain while going to the toilet every five minutes to see what was happening. I knew that I hadn't lost 'it' yet, and I was about over it all. I was tired, I was fatigued, and I was low on drugs. I'd taken one mercyndol (a paracetemol with some extra knockout ingredient) at 7pm as that was all I had, and I wanted it to help me sleep through the pain. I was down to dp's 2 nurofen plus, which I detest, but hey, deperate times and all. I bargained with myself that if I could make it to 11pm on just 1 mercyndol, I'd take the damn nurofen plus.

At 8pm I decided I wanted to 'try' and sleep. I boiled the kettle so I could still scald myself with my dearly beloved hot water bottle. I propped myself up against 4 pillows, as laying down was too painful - plus I'm a firm believer in helping gravity, this stuff has to move down, no point laying down and slowing up the process. And surprisingly enough I fell asleep very quickly.

I woke up at 10.00pm, I wasn't sure why. I was in the same amount of pain as when I went to sleep, although I felt 'fuller'. I got up for a refill of coke (all I wanted the whole time was coke). I wandered around, took the dog to the toilet, peed twice and then sat on the lounge. I wasn't sure why I was awake. At this time (about 10.30pm) I was in a whole new world of pain. It was instant, and crippling. I went back to bed and had the need to lay on my stomach. I put the newly refilled hot water bottle on my back and gritted my teeth through the pain. It was excrutiating laying on my stomach, but that is where I felt I needed to be. I stayed this way for about twenty minutes, breathing so hard and so controlled, it was what I was trying to focus on.

I HAD to get up, and decided to ring mum for the tenth time that night. She answered and my first words were 'I need drugs' (mums a nurse - yay yay yay). She was at work and she did a drug count of all the staff to see what she could score for me. Well it was dismal. I decided to take the stupid nurofen plus. I went to the fridge to refil my coke. As soon as I got to the fridge I needed to squat. I didn't get it, I didn't feel any different, my pad felt normal. I just needed to squat?? So what did I do? I squatted. Just once. And then got my coke (yes, again).

I went and sat on the bed and got my nurofen off the bedside table. DP asked if I was alright. I could barely talk through the pain, but managed to say 'I don't want to play this game anymore'. My uterus was killing me, I was sure that at any moment it was going to explode. I got frustrated and got up and said to DP 'this is 5hit. Next time they can take my damn ovaries, I've had enough - I WANT MY D&C'. And headed to the bathroom to pee, yet again.

The second I sat down 'it' fell out. It didn't hurt, I didn't feel it coming. And it sunk to the bottom of the toilet. So, naturally I called mum again (when you are in the middle of 'd' day your phone doesn't leave your side). Mum answers and I blurt out 'I've just passed the biggest friggen clot I've ever seen'. hahahaha poor mum. So while I sat on the toilet I talked to several different nurses to get their view. Consensus was, I either need to put it in a specimen jar, or get a good look at it and get a detailed description. I had my phone - I took a photo. And then I squatted down, head in bowl and got a good look. 'It' was big. One complete piece, but two sections. It wasn't a clot. I was 100% sure it was the sac. It was what I had been waiting for. It was grey, and looked like it had a seam that was held together by a beige piece of string at the edge.

I threw open the bedroom / ensuite door and asked dp if he had heard the phone call. He said yes. I asked him if he wanted to come and see it? Um, no. Are you sure? No. Do you want to look at the photo? No.

Excitement over, I decided I needed sleep - bad.

I laid down, hopefully for the last time that night. Dp asked how I was. In all the excitement I hadn't taken in the fact that I wasn't in pain anymore!!!!!!

I was just about asleep when mum rang at midnight. She'd finished her shift and wanted to know if she should come over. I told her I thought it was over. She asked how I felt. I said 'I want to say I feel a million bucks, but realistically I feel about ten bucks - which is a good improvement on the way I've felt all day'.


Fast forward to now, and I have what is like a normal period. Its not excessively heavy, and there is no pain. My stomach has also softened and gone back in.

And I'm looking forward to next year, when I can TTC again.

But I stand by my statement, I am NEVER doing that again. I will demand a D&C if I'm ever in this situation again. Miscarrying naturally is one of the worst things I have ever ever done.

An inbetween the days post :)

One of my best friends told me she was pregnant on Saturday night. Her 1st born is 4 and a bit months old. She is freaking out. Their due dates are only 3 days apart.
She apologised over and over and felt bad that she was scared and shocked. She was sorry that it happened to her by accident and that we are having so much trouble. I told her never to apologise for something so wonderful, and that it is understandable that she is 5hit scared about having a 1 year old and a newborn.
The only thing weird about it was that she is telling everyone at 6 weeks. She has been right in the swing of things with my drama's, but I guess, unless it happens to you, you still think you get pregnant and have a baby. Oh I wish it was that easy for me!!!
On a different note, what I said in my last post kind of happened - an hour and a half from home mind you But stay tuned, cause that is an entirely different post - one that I don't have time to write right now. I'll have it up this afternoon sometime though.
__________________

Day 11

Things progressed a bit today. A lot heavier, but still not as heavy as a regular period. I cleaned the house from top to bottom in the hopes that some sort of strenuous activity would help things along. I think they have?
Not cramping or sore as yet. But am paranoid that the big event will happen while I'm out for lunch tomorrow. 'Excuse me, yeah don't mind me I'm just going to have a miscarriage in between our entree and our main - continue on with your conversation'.
EEEK - I hope that doesn't happen.

Day 10

I'm bleeding, FINALLY. It's not excessive, and not yet enough to reach a pad. But I still pee all the time so don't give it much of a chance
No pain yet, no cramping yet. So far so good.
Got a little sunburnt today, but enjoyed being out in the sun and cleaning the gardens.
Can't wait for 32 degrees tomorrow.
I LOVE summer, and I think its going to be great, if spring is anything to go by.

Follow up

No follow up needle at this stage. But I'm not getting excited, it may happen after Tuesday. But, for now, we are still on track to TTC in 3 months.
Next bloods Saturday, results back on Monday (posted them in last post). I reported earlier that I may be spotting. Well that was a big fat false alarm. I had what I thought was the teeny tiniest little bit of spotting. Nope, just some brown CM, that promptly went back to normal CM. So I started partying too soon. Not impressed. I thought something was actually happening!!!!
Not much else to report unfortnately.

HCG Rundown

Day 0 - 2700
Day 4 - 2630
Day 7 - 2320
Day 11 - 2030