Progression

I am progressing. I was in the room with a lot of other people when a pregnancy was announced via speaker phone. I said congratulations and ooh’ed and ah’ed about her son being an older brother etc etc.

That may all sound like standard behaviour that happens everyday. But it hasn’t been like that for me for awhile. Um for about 14 months actually.

In the early stages of TTC, pregnancy announcements sucked because I wasn’t pregnant yet. When I was pregnant pregnancy announcements sucked cause I couldn’t share my news with anyone other than family because it was too early. When I lost my babies, pregnancy announcements just sucked, full stop. But now….. Now they are cool. I was genuinely happy for this person, which surprised me a little :)

The smile wasn’t fake, nor was the congratulations. And to be honest, I’ve faked it in the past, a lot recently.

So I’m making progress. Now just to hold my niece or nephew for the first time, who is due so close to my original due date. I really believe bubby will come on my due date, and although I would prefer it not too, if it does, it will allow me to celebrate that day for the rest of my life. Rather than fear it.

Having a rant

Ok, be prepared, I’m about to have a rant and a rave.

A friend of mine just lost her baby. The pregnancy came as a surprise. She was not sure if she was prepared or not. She decided they were stable enough to offer a baby a chance at a good life. They decided to keep the baby. 1 week later she had a miscarriage.

Now, upon telling people she had lost the baby, she was met with the following statements:
*everything happens for a reason
*well it wasn’t planned anyway
*next time everything will be fine
*you’re very young, consider it a blessing

I would just like to point out a few ‘problems’ I have with these comments.

*Everything happens for a reason
Right, what reason is that exactly? To make me miserable? To make me never be able to enjoy a pregnancy without freaking out about losing another baby? Or why, it happened because there was something wrong with my baby? – that’s great, now my body is incapable of making a healthy baby. Will it always be like this, or is my body just hopeless?
No matter what reason you thought this was a sensible comment to tell someone – IT IS NOT. She feels like 5hit, and there is no reason you can give her that makes it ok that this happened.

*Well it wasn’t planned anyway.
And? Your point is? So it wasn’t planned, does that mean I loved my baby less than you? Pfft, you’re kidding right. I can’t imagine that all the children out there running around in the world are loved on levels that are measured by whether they were planned or not. Alternatively, if someone can manage to fall pregnant by accident, are you jealous? Did it, or is it taking you a long time to fall pregnant and the pure truth is your jealous someone else did it without trying?

*Next time everything will be fine
Says who? Unless you have a time machine and can tell me my next pregnancy will be fine, shut up. I wanted it to be fine this time. Do you think that if next time everything IS fine, that I will magically forget about the baby I lost? I lost my baby, everything is not fine NOW, why are you trying to talk to me about next time?

*You’re very young, consider it a blessing
Do I even need to elaborate? Age does not determine how much you grieve your child. Granted, women in their later years may be more panicked that they are running out of time. Hell I’m 28 and scared I’ve left it too long; I imagine older women would feel that anguish a lot stronger. But that does not mean that it is a good thing to happen because someone is younger. The child was wanted, which in turn makes a miscarriage devastating. Left with what ifs and what could have been’s. Perhaps someone younger may even take it harder than what I would, maybe they are yet to deal with guilt and grief. What a sad, sad way to be introduced to such emotions.

Look I know the majority of people have NO IDEA what to say to us, or how to help us when we lose a baby. But, honestly, the best comments I received went along the lines of this:
‘That’s 5hit, I’m so very sorry’
‘I can’t imagine how you are feeling; I just wanted to let you know that I am here if you need me’

If you DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, say that….. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. That’s enough you know. Just you acknowledging it is enough.

It’s a horrible position to be in, to have to talk to someone who is grieving. But please do not try and give me some justification for this happening. There is none. She is sad, and my guess is that a little piece of her will be sad forever. She’ll be able to function again one day, like nothing is wrong. But please, for now, just tell her your sorry, and that you are there for her. I promise you that will be enough.

A bump in the road

I wrote a massive post and lost the whole thing!!!!!!

Over the past few days DP and I have reached the decision that we will not be TTC again until 2010. This is a massive decision that we did not come to without shedding many a tear.

My life has become a minefield of trying to avoid having miscarriages, stressing about miscarriages, and trying to deal with my miscarriages. It pains me so much to know that I carried two children who I never had a chance to meet. I no longer sleep properly, as my head continually ticks over thinking about what is, what was and what could have been. The past 6 months has been emotional torture for me, and I know my unhappiness has led DP to be stressed and worried about me. We no longer have sex for fun, but instead to make a baby. I was also so focused on being pregnant before 16th January that I was wishing time away. I am still very scared about how I will feel on that date, as well as on the 4th May. But I am allowing myself the chance to fall apart on those days, to cry, to grieve, and to pretty much lose the plot. But I think that that is healthier than spending every second of every day trying to get pregnant, or thinking about getting pregnant before then. Those days are going to suck, and I just have to deal with it.

We are going to discuss surgery options with the OB in regards to the scarring on my left ovary. I thought I was doing a fantastic job of disguising the excrutiating pain I have been having, but more then a few people have talked to DP after noticing my discomfort. So now its out it the open.... It farking hurts. ALOT. Most of the time really. I am in pain from CD1 right up until about 4 days after O. So for about 18 days of each cycle, I'm in pain, no matter what movement I make. It all has to do with the maturing of eggs and actual ovulation. However on EVERY day of my cycle, If I stretch to the right too far, it hurts, because it creates pulling on the left. If I lean to far to the left, it hurts because it squashes the area that is scarred. Or it just decides to hurt for no apparent reason, like right now. So it needs to be attended to.

The past few days have been amazing. Firstly, we had absolutely fantastic sex (with a condom!!!), for no reason other than to have sex. O'ing was a pain in the a55 cause it was painful and stopped me from going about my usual things. It was an irritant, rather than that freak out time that usually meant OPK's, Maybe Baby, Green Tea, Robitussin, and well timed sex.

The instant we decided we wouldn't be TTC'ing for awhile, my head seemed to clear. The cloud that had been hovering over me for so long seemed to disappear. I have been so scared about being pregannt again. I was so so sure I would miscarry again, and I wasn't sure how I could cope. I kept telling everyone I would try once more and give up if it did not work out. I feel now though, that giving myself a chance to find some happiness again will make me stronger for next time we TTC.

I am not silly, I know when we TTC again I will become CP Checking, CM monitoring, BBT taking, Robitussin & green tea drinking, planned sex, crazy lady again. But, thats ok, I'm fine with that, I know I'll have a lot of other ladies to freak out with on BH. But for now, I'm going to have sex becasue I'm h0rny, not because my temp dropped, or spiked, or because I have EWCM.

I dont think I can give up blogging completely. There are so many journey's I want to watch unfold. TTC'ers who will get their BFP's. Those unfortunate to have experienced losses, to get to their baby after so many detours in the journey. And those who are currently waddling around, about to become wonderful parents, on a journey that will change their lives. I'm not prepared to give that up just yet. I may not be trying, but I'll be following everyone through their journey's.

So, I figured I'd post, and let you all know what was happening, instead of just disappearing into internet oblivion. I'll be lurking in the shadows, and of course, there is always facebook

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support and encouragement. Your kind words helped me through some very, very dark times this year. And you helped celebrate some happy times, long before anyone in real life knew what was going on.

If anyone ever needs a shoulder to cry on, who has any questions that they think I can help with...please msg me. I will always be here to lend support to those in need.

The book isn't finished, its just a new chapter.

Aaaaaarrrrrgggggggh

I'm farking over it. I can't handle this anymore.

Twice the Dr has pointed out that the ovarian ectopic could have killed me. IT DIDN'T. A freaking bus could hit me any day of the week.

DP wont let this go. For the FIRST time since all this has been happening dp has piped up with 'I dont think we should try again cause its your safety we're talking about'.

Fark me. Seriously. You could have told me this PRIOR to me having a catheter stuck up my freakin cervix.

I've had enough, I feel like pulling up stumps and giving the whole TTC game away.

I can't have a baby without dp - well not technically true, I can, but do not want to.

How long do I wait in hope his fears go away.

This is all too farking hard. I battle on everyday, when in reality I am absolutely broken inside.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Well I’m still in the process of having a major panic attack whilst I wait for the karotyping results. The path lab sends all genetic testing to the Children’s Hospital at Westmead, and their policy is to mail out results to the Dr, NOT to fax them like most other labs. So I am unsure whether I will even get the results this week or not. They are ready TODAY, but I have no idea when they will be sent to my Dr.

Therefore it appears I will miss out on any chance of being pregnant again in 2008 L

OB Follow up

I was extremely nervous once the Dr’s appointment had been changed. I thought the day would drag on, but it went so, so fast. Before I knew it dp and I were in the car and on our way. I honestly think that drive did more for my heart rate than any exercise ever could. Nothing like a bit of panic to get your heart rate up!!!

For the first time I had to wait to see the Dr, it was only about half an hour, which didn’t really bother me all that much. Once we were in we sat in silence for a few minutes while he read through all of the results and looked at the scan pictures.

First off he advised that the karotyping results weren’t in yet, which pi55ed me off. I had rung the pathology results area to ensure they would be ready PRIOR to making an appointment with the Obstetrician. They had told me they would be ready last week? Right, obviously?

He asked me to speak first. I told him I have recurring pain in my left ovary, before ovulation. And hence the reason I have a lot of in-depth ultrasounds of my ovaries. He said ‘oh that’s why they did that; because I knew I hadn’t requested them’. He said she must have liked me because usually they will not do anything outside of what is listed on the referral. So finally something went my way…..

He agreed that the pain would be the maturing follicles pressing on the scarred area. He also said he did not believe it was necessary to operate unless I was in too much pain. I later told dp that I would not opt for a surgery near my reproductive organs unless I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk.

The tricky part came when I was talking about the ectopic, and chances of it happening again. He said he is 90% sure I had an ovarian topic. Empty sac in uterus, large mass that kept growing in left ovary. But he could not tell me 100% that it was though, because he did not operate. He could only have told me for sure if he had operated and sighted the ovary for himself.

My concern personally is that I developed the scarring after the infection from the D&C, and that this is specifically what caused the ectopic. He said we will never know whether I scarred before or after the ectopic. But he said my chance of having an ectopic (with no history of ectopics) is 1 in 100. My chance of having an ectopic (with a history of ectopics) is 1 in 80-90. He is confident that I will carry my next pregnancy to term, barring any chromosomal abnormalities with the bubby. I’m glad he is confident, because I sure as hell am not.

My thyroid results came back at a perfect level, right in the mid range of normal. So another test can get crossed off the list.

I have therefore been given the green light to TTC this cycle, PROVIDING the results of the karotyping come back ok.

Next time I fall pregnant (please be soon, please be soon) I have to have bloods from the very beginning every 2 days to monitor BHCG and Progesterone. I have to have a scan at 6 weeks to check for an ectopic. I have to take baby aspirin from 7 weeks. And if my progesterone level is not adequate I will have to have that too. However he does not think progesterone is an issue as i do not have an LP defect.
So I have rung the pathology place again today, and have been told that my results will be ready tomorrow morning, and that hey will be faxed directly to my Dr. If I have not heard from him by lunch time, I will be chasing it up again.

HSG day

I headed home from work today at 12.00, armed with my bottle of water.

By the time I got home to shower, I was quite prepared to wet my pants already
I took a naprogesic and a voltaren as instructed, and continued to fill my bladder to expoding point.
I didn't have to wait to long, and was happy that dp could come in with me to hold my hand.
I started with the regular transabdominal u/s to get some measurements of the outside of my uterus.
She checked where both my ovaries were, and this prompted me to discuss with her my concerns with my left ovary.
After the d&c the Dr believed I may have had an infection in my left ovary based on the excessive pain I was having constantly. Ovualtion was a killer the next month. Subsequently I fell pregnant that cycle, and as we all know, it ened up being inside the left ovary.
I mentioned to her that I was having a lot of pain again at the beginning of my cycle and that I thought it was the maturing eggs pushing on some scarring or aomething like that? And that I have been spotting at ovulation also. I honestly thought she would say to bring it up with the dr (which I had planned on doing on Tuesday).
To my surprise, she said 'well go empty that bladder and we'll do a thorough 3d scan of your ovaries for you Dr also'.!!!! woohoo, I love people that get things done :)
Peeing was wonderful , and I went back for my transvaginal u/s.
My uterus looked fine again, the lining was fine, and as I knew, was recorded as retroverted. Its measurements are 69 x 36 x 47 mm. My right ovary is 25 x 15 x 16mm and has two follicles. The left ovary.......

Measures 35 x 23 x 27mm and contains 5 - 6 follicles. The left ovary appears to move with the uterine sidewall suggesting some associated adhesions possibility related to the recent ovarian ectopic.

I also have u/s pictures of the left ovary that has 'SCARRING', 'SCARRING, 'SCARRING' marked all over them

My personal opinion is that the infection caused the scarring, and the subsequent ectopic. Not the other way around. (does that make sense?) But you dont see me getting paid 100's of 1000's of dollars for my medical opinion , so I am TRYING to hang out til tuesday before I look too deeply into this.

Next was my Saline hysterosonogram. Not entirely terrible.
I had the duck bill thingy put in, and then she cleaned my cervix with something, I assume betadine. I did not feel the catheter being inserted at all, and was shocked when she said we are now going o fill the uterus with water. Ah, uncomfortable . But not as bad as I had expected. I did, however, take 2 napro's an hour before, as instructed.
So the duckbill came out and the dildocam went back in, and the saline solution kept getting pushed through. My uterus looks fine, measures fine etc etc. And I also have good tubal patency, so will probably avoid a hycosy any time in the near future.

Once they take the catheter out, the saline pours out of you and its gross. I felt like I had wet myself. Every time I move my bum to a different angle, some more squelches out.

I have a bit of spotting. But it is blood streaked CM, not full bleeding. And I was told to expet this.

So now I have to wait until Tuesday before I know whether I can TTC.

I am unsure whether the left ovary adhering to the uterus will need to be fixed? I know its a common thing with endo, and it is not always something that is acted upon. I guess its the Dr's call. My biggest fear is that I will end up with another ovarian ectopic.

I hope I can make it to Tuesday without Dr Google sending me insane.

For all those having a Saline HSG, don't stress, its not too bad.

Slowly going insane......

Where to start.....
Monday, I was told of a very young friends shock unplanned pregnancy. I congratulated her, told her I was hear to talk if she needed it. I then went home, had 3 drinks and was blind drunk. Skipping lunch was not a sensible option that day.
Tuesday, said friend flipped out at being pregnant and booked a termination. In the fifty phone calls I had with her that day, I supported her through every fear, every anxiety and every up and down. I told her that she cannot worry about other people (namely me) who have problems with having babies, but instead she needed to make a decision that was right for her. Unfortunately giving me the embryo wasn't really a viable option. She booked her termination for Friday. And I told her I would support her no matter what happened. The only advice I had was to go and see the heartbeat first, then make your decision. I did not hear from her for the rest of the day / night. We were sure that she had gobe and had the termination done that day. I came home and cried.
Wednesday, I went to work, and instantly received an email from pregnant friends work colleague and other counsellor . She had gone to work, and she had some news for me, her and her partner were having a baby. So I cried again, I was happy that she had thought about things, and made that decision. I would have supported her 100% with her termination, but I was ecstatic that she was keeping the baby.
Wednesday Night I had a massive D&M with an interstate friend who was up to visit. I was physically shaking while I told my story. I dont think I have ever had to tell the story in full from start to finish. It took a lot out of me and I was extremely emotional on the way home. However there weren't any tears.But the time I got home I had a headache, not quite a migraine, but a big enough headache to stop me from sleeping. I sat up and thoguht alot. Then tried to sleep. I t didn't work, so I thoguht some more.
Thursday (today), I woke up after minimal sleep with a screaming headache worse than when I had gone to bed. So I though 5crew it, I'm staying home. I grabbed my laptop and curled up in bed to read some of the blogs I follow. The blogs gave me some comfort, and a feeling of being part of a wider community that have to deal with IF. But by lunch I had finished reading and was thinking again. Never a good sign. And I pretty much thought myself into hysterics. I got to the point where I was sucking in the breaths just before you bawl your eyes out. And just as I was about to bawl, the musings of a pregnant blogger entered my head. And so, again, I thought 5crew it. And jumped in the damn shower fully clothed and then proceeded to bawl. DP came home about 2 minutes after I got in the shower, took one look at me fully clothed and went 'oh f*ck' and then HE got in the shower fully clothed with me. So then I snuggled into him and bawled some more. Once I had kind of snapped out of it, I looked at both of us fully clothed, and then saw the dog standing at the shhower door looking at us as though we were stark raving mad. Naturally, I grabbed the dog and put her in there with us. And for another ten minutes (til I ran out of hot water) I was the happiest I had been in awhile. I was emotionally exhausted, but I think you have to reach that point every now and then so the happiness can break down the misery and sneak in.
A couple of hours later I thought I would listen to DP's new Metallica CD, while I took a shower, unclothed, and shaved and trimmed and plucked, in preparation for tomorrows insertion of a freakin tube into my cervix, combined with another round of dildo cam.
Oh dear!!! You realise your life is at a pretty 5hit point when the new Metallica album is the anthem to your life at the moment.
We have songs such as:
The end of the line
Broken, beat & scarred
The day that never comes
All nightmare long
I did, however, have to laugh that my life had become something that Metallica could sing about. I'll give you an example of some of the words from the songs:
Like a misery that keeps me focused,
though I've gone astray,
like an endless nightmare that,
I must awaken to each day

or

I hide and feel it passing me by,
I open just in time to say goodbye,
Almost like your life,
almost like your endless fight,
curse the day is long,
realise you dont belong,
disconnect somehow
never stop the bleeding now

or

Luck. Runs. Out.
Crawl from the wreckage one more time.
Horrific memory that twists the mind.

or

You rise
You fall
You're down, then you rise again,
What dont kill ya will make you more strong.

So I did end up in fits of laughter that my sad life can be summed up by Metallica. But hell I'm 5hit scared about tomorrow, and if thats the sort of thing that makes me laugh today. So be it.
__________________

I am not dead.

I am here, I am alive.

I have my saline HSG booked tomorrow and have a million things going on in my head. SoO much that I just cant blog at the moment. I need to sort my head into some sort of order, perhaps it will allow me to write it down without sounding like a lunatic.

Briefly.....

*Saline HSG tomorrow.
*Karotyping results are back
*Thyroid results are in
*HSG, Karotyping and Thyroid results on Tuesday at appointment with OB
*Dealt with an unplanned pregnancy of a 20 y.o. Naturally I had to be the counsellor. - I did get slightly drunk once notified though :)
*Am shit scared about tomorrow


I shall return, I shall write something slightly more interesting.

Until then, for those dealing with the shit of IF and don't really know how to put their frustration into words.... I highly recommend this blog.

Catch up Posts - November

6th Nov

Still stuck in the land of bugger all happening.....
Just O'd, and had spotting again to go with it.
Am starting to wonder whether my right ovary even works?
Its not doing much.
Have absolutely nothing exciting to report, sorry.


10th Nov


I'm attempting to be positive from now on. Its my new forced state of mind. I was stressing badly leading up to the baby shower, and was pleased when I made it through the day unscathed, and without having a nervous break down. Dare I say I even enjoyed myself Survived going into the nursery for the first time too.
Last thing left is to hold the baby when he/she arrives. My guess is a few tears at that point will not send everyone into a panic that I'm emotionally distraught
HyCoSy about 2 1/2 - 3 weeks away I guess. And Am hoping once the results of that are in I can TTC again. I think it will be the last two weeks of December that I get the go ahead, PROVIDING my tests come back ok.

11th Nov


Am guessing hycosy is two weeks away not 3.
I think af is due in 7 days. I havent been keeping track with FF since the last m/c. I decided to have a break from it all. Am scared to let myself think that I have a shot at being pregnant again this year. Its all very very scary.
I'm not sure if I will be able to relax at all if I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again. Until I finally have my newborn baby in my arms, I think I will always be on tenterhooks. Now, no milestone feels safe. 12 weeks doesn't do much to alleviate my concerns. I think it will be a loooong pregnancy for me. I really hope that I will be able to enjoy being pregnant if I get there again.
Time will tell I guess!!

14th Nov


So it appears the only decent pregnant women live on the net and a few I know IRL.
Because all the ones I've seen lately are busy smoking, drinking, or cleverly multitasking and doing both.
I have a new theory on this. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, I barely even moved off the freakin lounge when I was pregnant. I've heard so much whinging from 'accidental' pregnancies. I've listened to parents tell their kids that they hated them and wished they had never been born. Granted that this sort of thing was happening prior to my miscarriages, even prior to me TTC. But my radar had not been updated with that software then. It appears my software upgrade went a bit haywire. It seems I can only focus on the 'tsk tsk' pregnant women, or the excessively mean parents.
My miscarriages have taught me not to judge MOST people. If someone is rude, distant, etc, I dont assume they are just rude human beings, I actually consider the fact that I have no idea what has happened in their lives, and I don't know what they are dealing with behind closed doors. I am more patient, I am more empathetic, I am more sympathetic, and I am genuinely more caring of people as individuals. BUT the upgrade did not extend to DRUNK pregnant women, pregnant women that whinge that their pregnancy was an accident and they don't want another little brat, or people who are obviously breeding so they just dont have to go to work.
They just 5hit me to tears. I've been up and down emotionally, so many things have been messing with my head. I've had a lot of ups though, which is great. I know many women on the net and IRL who are, nervously, pregnant after miscarriages this year. It gives me a lot of hope.
I am very very scared of my procedure which will be sometime in the next two weeks. The idea of having something inserted into my cervix while I'm AWAKE, is not a comforting thought.
DP and I are also getting our blood tests done tomorrow. We wanted to wait so we got all the results at once, and the karotyping will take 2 weeks.
But hey, only a few more weeks til 2009 bring it on I say.

Catch up posts - October

1st Oct

Still drifting along in no man's land.
HCG should be 0 now.
But we aren't going to test it again til next week.
OB rang me at 7.00pm very dedicated little Dr.
Him: Your HCG levels are good, no?
Me: Yeah excellent
Him: I told you the injection is good stuff, no?
Me: Yes I'm very glad it worked, and that I only needed one shot.
Him: When you want pregnant again?
Me: As soon as I'm allowed.
Him: You come in next week and we look at uterus, no? Oh hang on, next week public holiday, you have period then we look inside, no?
Me: No problems at all.
He cracks me up, the only 'odd' thing he does is throw in the 'no' at the end of almost every sentence. And he really refers to things as 'good stuff', he was very pleased with himself.
So I have to wait for my period, which I have no clue when will be here.
Then he can look inside, no.

2nd Oct

I did something so, so stupid.
I just played with the pregnancy calculator.
If I hadn't lost the first baby I'd be 24 weeks and 6 days.
If I hadn't lost the second baby I'd be 9 weeks and 3 days.

13 Oct

I've had a very bad couple of weeks.
Had to endure a second round of miscarrying to expel what was left in my ovary. Very very painful. After that I fell into a pretty dark mood. I wasn't sleeping, and was not at all a pleasurable person to be around. It lasted about a week, and then, after a BRILLIANT sleep, it finally lifted.
The fact that I had to go through hell AGAIN, really screwed with my head. I'm not sure when we will start trying again now. I'm thinking perhaps another year. My biggest fear is that everything will go pear shaped again. and to be honest, I am no where near able to cope with that any time soon. I finally believe I have come through all the 5hit, and all the pain. I finally feel like I am on the 'other' side of it all. And its kinda nice over here. I'm not prepared to put myself in a position where I may have to go through that again. Not yet anyways.
I'm just trying to look forward to next year. I know its not a good thing to wish time away, but I am really really over this year.
So I will re-evaluate how I feel in 2009.
But for now, I'm happy, and I want to stay like that.

15 Oct

Feeling a lot better the last few days.I obviously needed some decent nights sleep. I'm still not sure if not sleeping was making me crabby and stressed or if being crabby and stressed was making me not sleep??
Either way, am doing a lot better.
Am doing so well that I have finally found the strength I needed to begin organising my sisters baby shower. Was putting it off for so long as I just couldn't force myself to look at anything to do with the shower.
My sister on the other hand..... I LOVE playing with her belly. Have only had one instance where I was stupid enough to let my head wonder what size I would bein comparison to her. But I pushed it aside and things have gone back to being great.
Am scared though of going into the nursery when it has been set up. Everything is in there but they are all still in boxes. I think dp and I will have to venture in there one day alone. I will need him to hold me up incase I break.
TTC is off the cards for a year. I'm going overseas with family next year and do not want to be pregnant for it. I am wondering though if its a bandaid fix for my brain. I quite happy with my decision, but we'll see how I react when the Dr says, ok you can start trying again????? Only time will tell I guess.


17 Oct

Feeling better seems to be the story of the week.
A lot happier, and feeling a lot healthier.
Not having the consistent pain I was getting last week.
I seem to have been given a week off YAY
Full steam ahead with the baby shower, and I have pretty much everything organised, except for the decorations. But I already know where I plan on getting those, so just need to get mum when she has a free moment to come and help me select them.
Not much else happening in baby related news. I have to wait for af before I can schedule another appointment with my OB.
He rang last week as my mum and my sister had told him I was depressed. He said do I want to come in straight away.
I told him I wasn't depressed, that I was stressed, and hadn't been sleeping. That there was no cause for alarm, I had just had a 5hit week. My mother has a massive tendancy to over-react. If you're sad that = depression. A bit strange considering she's been a nurse for 20 years and should know the difference between pi55ed off and depression. I spend alot of time planning how I will speak to her about different things. Trying very hard not to upset her, she's become very positive about my sisters baby, and I dont want to jeopardise that.

22 Oct

I got af today.
First af since m/c # 2 this year.
Feel a bit odd.
It coincided with a pregnancy announcement from work.
At lunch everyone was talking loudly across the floor about whether its a girl or boy etc etc. The girl is only 6 weeks. She actually made a formal announcement about it. gathered up the entire department and told us all. All 60 of us........
Oh well, maybe my turn next year.

23 Oct

Well I guess I should explain why I was pretty crabby in my last post.
Yes, yes af arriving 10 seconds after a pregnancy announcement is a fairly good reason for being 5hitty........ But that wasn't the entire reason.
Once I realised af arrived, I immediately called my Dr and made the earliest appointment. As per my Dr's instructions last month. So all that was scheduled, and then I got to thinking......What if he cant find anything wrong? I'm not concerned if he finds a septum. Thats a reasonable and acceptable reason for multiple losses. And it can be fixed, most times very very successfully. But if he finds nothing, well then what?
Then there will be hystopingowhatchamacallits, and hysteroscodoovies, and to be honest. I dont want tooooooooo.
I'm having an 'i'm over it' kind of week. I still want to be pregnant, I still want a bubba'. But I guess I'm just 5hit scared this time.

27 Oct

tomorrow is the big day.
I'm 5hit scared to be honest.
I've had areally bad and emotional day.
fingers crossed I have some sort of news tomorrow.

27th Oct

So I think I need to write down how I'm really feeling. Rather than putting 4 or so lines....
I had a bad day, I was sick and also nervous about tomorrow. I had a really bad sleep last night, and dp only had 2 hours sleep before heading to work for 16 hours.
Then I came home and read what a friend went through today, and that made me so so sad for her. Which again made me angry that people have to go through this at all. I had just finished reading all of her posts, and was listening to the 3 feral kids two doors up SCREAMING, all three of them. And I was listening to their mum say she wished she never had kids. Which stirred up a million emotions.
DP walked in, after 16 hours at work in the heat, and the first thing he said was....... glad I dont have to come home to that (i.,e the screaming kids). I KNOW what he meant (the kids are wild - parents practically ignore them), BUT it was the timing. And I burst into tears. I had finally worked out why I had been feeling 'better'. My friend spelt it out for me. I had finally begun to perhaps believe that my miscarriages weren't my fault. That perhaps I have something that is interfering with being able to carry successfully. And then I got hit with reality. Is tomorrow my turn to find out that there is nothing wrong. That there is no medical reason why I lost my babies. That the empty feeling that I feel everyday will never go away?
I try to be strong everyday, but some days it all just piles up on you. Today was that day. And to make matters worse, in what can only be described as an act of pure stupidity.....
I decided to look through my belly pics. I loved my belly. I looked at a couple of pics as the little bump grew, until I got to the last pic. Which was when I realised that it was taken the night before I found out I had lost the first baby. I was so so happy. And in less than 24 hours that was all taken away. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest I have ever been. In 24 short hours.
And to be honest, I've never gotten back up from that. Sure I was excited that I fell pregnant again, but I was also petrified. So 4 months after my first m/c, I'm still stuck in no mans land. And the longer it lasts, the more I believe that this is how I feel for the rest of my life. Sure I put on a happy face, I play the part that needs to be played at any given time. But inside I am totally and utterly broken.So my question is, What the fark do I do? Talk to someone? How much more can I talk about this? I have an extended medical family with whom I have discussed this with indepth. So where to now?
Every time you think you are getting on top of it, something happens and knocks you back down to the ground. So how am I supposed to feel about tomorrow. On one hand, I dont want anything to be wrong. Who would actually want there to be a problem, realistically. But on the other hand, if there is a problem, than I may have a reason. And I am beginning to think that a REASON outways being REALISTIC any day of the week So if you have any ideas how the hell to straighten out my brain, my emotions, my life - feel free to let me know!!!!!!!

28th Oct

Dr's appointment went ok.
My left ovary is back to normal and functioning fine.
HyCoSy scheduled for Day 7 of next cycle. I'm currently on Day 6, so a full month to go.
Have referral for blood tests for my thyroid and then for karotyping for both myself and dp. The best part was... he bulk billed the karotyping, which I have heard is expensive.

Catch up post - September

Ok, so I went MIA. I lost my internet for a month. I lost my mind for a couple of months lol.

I'm here. And I have sooooo much to post. I'll do it in a couple of big posts. In chronological order.

24th Sept
I have been on a pretty great high all day, after the fantastic news about my HCG.But now, now I'm a bit low. What do I do now?
I spent two weeks trying to prepare myself for the inevitable. But thats past, I survived that and made it through to the other side.
I was waiting for my hcg to drop. Its dropped. Now how do I not think about TTC for the next three months. Especially considering I still have to have regular blood tests til I get to 0. I have to have follow up testing. First plan is aan ultrasound (when I'm down to 0) to check that the mass has dissapated on my ovary. Next is a hysteropingogram to check for damage from the D&C as well as the ectopic.
But what I am left wondering is......How do I go from procedure to prodcedure without 'thinking' about having a baby. I can't do anything about it. I can not TTC for another 2 and half months. I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a long time. It would be easy to distract myself if I wasn't having regular blood tests. It would be easy if I was not planning to have things stuck up my hoo ha in the near future.
Mmmmmm not sure what to do

26 Sept

Feeling a bit brighter today.Fascinated with playing with my finger as it is all messed up. I severed a nerve so I have that weird tingling, numb feeling when I poke at it. Wont know if I regain proper sensation for up to six months!!!!I think the shifting weather is wreaking havoc on my moods. I'm in a cr@ppy mood when its cold, but feel more optimistic when it is hot, like today.Heading out tomorrow night, and even plan on ringing the OB to ask if I'm allowed to partake in a beverage as yet???

29 Sept

Day 0 - 2700
Day 4 - 2630
Day 7 - 2320
Day 11 - 2030
Day 14 - 187
Day 18 - 18

Day 14 Bloods

Day 0 - 2700
Day 4 - 2630
Day 7 - 2320
Day 11 - 2030
Day 14 - 187

So, so, so happy. YAY!!!!!!!

Nothing like a little miscarriage to sort out your HCG levels.

'D' day - FINALLY

NOTE: This posts contains A HIGHLY GRAPHICAL, DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF A NATURAL MISCARRIAGE. If you are squeamish, or not comfortable with the mention of blood (and worse) please do not read this post. I am determined to write up my story because it is a part of my journey. And others who are unlucky enough to have to experience this also, will know that they are not alone. My experience is not text-book, it is unique to me. If you are experiencing something similar, please do not rely on my story to ascertain if what you are experiencing is 'normal'. I've highlighted where the story gets graphic with some *****

I guess this part of my story really begins on Saturday night.

After watching the footy on tv, I decided to go to bed - relatively early. DP and I were marvelling at my stomach which had gone ROCK hard, and it looked like I was 5 months pregnant. I even took a few photos it was that impressive. But off to bed and I fell asleep quite quickly.

12.30am sees a random call to dp's mobile, which startled both of us out of a deep sleep. I got up and went to the bathroom (stupid hcg), and was feeling a little 'funny'.

I laid back down and the second my head hit the pillow I instantly sat back up in pain. It felt like someone was squeezing the bejeebus out of my uterus - slowly. It lasted about a minute, and the pain peaked at about 30 seconds. The pain wore off slowly, not instantly. It decreased in pain at the same rate it had increased. This went on for 30 minutes. I was sitting on the edge of the bed just rocking and rocking and rocking - oh and lots of deep breathing.

After it stopped I went back to bed, and slept fine for the rest of the night.

After the weird night, I had a sleep in on Sunday. DP and I had plans for lunch with the outlaws, and set off on our 1 1/2 drive at about 11.00am. I was doing ok til about half way through lunch. Then I started getting the pains similar to the night before, only a bit milder. I had to keep excusing myself to get up and walk around, and then sneak off to the toilet for the umpteenth time to check out if anything was happening.

After the LONGEST LUNCH IN HISTORY, everyone decided to go for a walk along the beach. I told dp that there was no way in hell I could manage that walk, and I headed back to his sisters house to rest. I went to the toilet and noticed that, although the bleeding was getting heavier, it wasn't that bad. I was in more and more pain and was only getting a break of about 15 minutes, before the pain set in for its usual 30 minute stint.

I'd been attempting to rest for an hour, when I knew that I couldn't take anymore. Home was going to be a 2 1/2 hour drive away as we had to drop MIL off at home first. I needed to be at home.

I texted dp and told to him to wrap up the beach stroll as things were getting serious and I wanted to get home. Thankfully they were already on their way back. NOT thankfully, MIL and dp's sisters MIL thought now was the perfect time to stand at the door and talk about something trivial. I turned my back and slowly swung my hips to get through the pain. My eyes were watering, but if I cried, we'd have to tell everyone what was happening. So I sucked it up, and swung my hips til the pain subsided. I must have looked slightly odd. I think SIL didn't buy the 'oh she has her periods'.

We FINALLY got in the car and I got hit again with pain. MIL and SIL (who I love dearly) would not shut up, and I desperately wanted silence. I had my head turned out the window as far as possible so they couldn't see the tears silently sliding down my cheeks. I couldn't rock or swing my hips now, and just had to hold on til it passed. The first thirty minutes of that trip was absolute hell. DP kept watching me in the rearview mirror, and was driving way too fast in an attempt to get me home as soon as possible.

Once we got to MIL's house, I went to bathroom yet again, heavier but no real clotting. We left immediately and headed home.

I was getting increasingly more uncomfortable in the car. I couldn't sit on my bum properly because it sort of squashed my uterus and made the pain even worse. I was shifting from being on my left side to being on my right side, for the majority of the way home. I was very restless.

Now there is only one way to describe the next part so you actually uinderstand what I mean.....

You know the feeling of needing to go to the toilet when you're driving home? You know how when you get about ten minutes from home your bladder seems to know and the urge to pee is even greater? You know when you're 2 minutes from home and your bladder has a fit cause you are soooo close to home???

Well apparently your uterus knows this game too. We got off the freeway and the pain intensified. We got around the corner from home and the pain increased again - ten fold. We got home at 6.15pm. Of course my neighbour was out the front, having just returned from her weekend away. So I managed 5 minutes of chat. All the while I was rocking backwards and forwards and side to side. She looked at me funny, and I said its all happening. She knows the story.

*****This is where the story gets graphic.

So, I'm sure everyone knows the theory behind my next exercise. I tried scalding my back and my stomach in the shower to try and alleviate the pain, as well as helping the bloodflow along. I also did a very very thorough cleaning. So that I could accurately measure from then on how much blood I lost.

So out of the shower and I begin drying myself. I bent down to dry my feet and blood just started pouring out of me, onto the bath mat. (May I add that prior to leaving that morning I had JUST put the new and clean fluffy bath mat in the bathroom. I wasn't impressed.)

So I jumped straight onto the toilet and just sat there for a minute in a bit of shock. DP came in and he asked what I wanted. Stain remover from the laundry - look at the damn bath mat. This was what was important at that moment?????

So while I sat on the toilet poring out blood, I sprayed the mat with stain remover. Now I could concentrate on the matter at hand.

DP stood awaiting my instructions. I sat, covered in only a towel, and assessed what I would need. Ok I need clothes. A big loose dress felt appropriate. I need undies. I need another pad. I need a can of coke. And go next door because I want a smoke. (DP doesn't smoke, I used too - but we both seem to want a smoke after a miscarriage).

Here's me, at 6.45pm sitting naked on the toilet, coverd in a towel so dp doesn't have to watch what is happening, with a can of coke at my feet, a pad carefully placed by dp in my undies at my feet, and me, stil unable to move. The silence was intermittently interupted with comments such as 'this is 5hit' or 'this is crap'.

I honestly was going to stay there all night - or until it was over. But there was one problem. I could cope with the pain. What I couldn't cope with was the feeling of the blood rushing out of me. I'd wipe every now and then when it got too much. And would kick dp out if there was a clot so I could investigate. But I had to get up, because the grossness was outweighing the benefit of being on the toilet. At some point I had managed to get a nice, short loose dress on.

I ripped the pad out of the undies and tried to hold that up against me while dp tried to put my undies on. All the while I had to keep the actual toilet covered with the towel so dp couldn't see all the blood.

I took a five minute break and went out the back and had my can of coke and a smoke. I sat with the soles of my feet flat against each other in front of me, and laid my body over my feet. I needed pressure on my uterus to help with the pain. Kind of like when you have a headache and push on your temples for relief.

Break over, I got back to business. I knelt on the floor and leant over the bed. Ooh'ing and ah'ing while I frantically rocked my hips. Dp would come and go every five minutes to see if he could help, or if I needed anything. This was usually met with 'yes, I need you to make it go away', or 'I need you to make it stop'. He was however, helpful with my request for a 'friggen hot', hot water bottle.

I went back to leaning over the bed, but this time with the hot water bottle literally burning my stomach too. But I couldn't concentrate enough to hold it. Easy fixed. Next request. I need one of YOUR belts (he's lots bigger than me). So I belted in the hot water bottle up against my uterus. Good trick and I highly recommend it :)

I lasted another half hour or so, trying to breathe through the pain while going to the toilet every five minutes to see what was happening. I knew that I hadn't lost 'it' yet, and I was about over it all. I was tired, I was fatigued, and I was low on drugs. I'd taken one mercyndol (a paracetemol with some extra knockout ingredient) at 7pm as that was all I had, and I wanted it to help me sleep through the pain. I was down to dp's 2 nurofen plus, which I detest, but hey, deperate times and all. I bargained with myself that if I could make it to 11pm on just 1 mercyndol, I'd take the damn nurofen plus.

At 8pm I decided I wanted to 'try' and sleep. I boiled the kettle so I could still scald myself with my dearly beloved hot water bottle. I propped myself up against 4 pillows, as laying down was too painful - plus I'm a firm believer in helping gravity, this stuff has to move down, no point laying down and slowing up the process. And surprisingly enough I fell asleep very quickly.

I woke up at 10.00pm, I wasn't sure why. I was in the same amount of pain as when I went to sleep, although I felt 'fuller'. I got up for a refill of coke (all I wanted the whole time was coke). I wandered around, took the dog to the toilet, peed twice and then sat on the lounge. I wasn't sure why I was awake. At this time (about 10.30pm) I was in a whole new world of pain. It was instant, and crippling. I went back to bed and had the need to lay on my stomach. I put the newly refilled hot water bottle on my back and gritted my teeth through the pain. It was excrutiating laying on my stomach, but that is where I felt I needed to be. I stayed this way for about twenty minutes, breathing so hard and so controlled, it was what I was trying to focus on.

I HAD to get up, and decided to ring mum for the tenth time that night. She answered and my first words were 'I need drugs' (mums a nurse - yay yay yay). She was at work and she did a drug count of all the staff to see what she could score for me. Well it was dismal. I decided to take the stupid nurofen plus. I went to the fridge to refil my coke. As soon as I got to the fridge I needed to squat. I didn't get it, I didn't feel any different, my pad felt normal. I just needed to squat?? So what did I do? I squatted. Just once. And then got my coke (yes, again).

I went and sat on the bed and got my nurofen off the bedside table. DP asked if I was alright. I could barely talk through the pain, but managed to say 'I don't want to play this game anymore'. My uterus was killing me, I was sure that at any moment it was going to explode. I got frustrated and got up and said to DP 'this is 5hit. Next time they can take my damn ovaries, I've had enough - I WANT MY D&C'. And headed to the bathroom to pee, yet again.

The second I sat down 'it' fell out. It didn't hurt, I didn't feel it coming. And it sunk to the bottom of the toilet. So, naturally I called mum again (when you are in the middle of 'd' day your phone doesn't leave your side). Mum answers and I blurt out 'I've just passed the biggest friggen clot I've ever seen'. hahahaha poor mum. So while I sat on the toilet I talked to several different nurses to get their view. Consensus was, I either need to put it in a specimen jar, or get a good look at it and get a detailed description. I had my phone - I took a photo. And then I squatted down, head in bowl and got a good look. 'It' was big. One complete piece, but two sections. It wasn't a clot. I was 100% sure it was the sac. It was what I had been waiting for. It was grey, and looked like it had a seam that was held together by a beige piece of string at the edge.

I threw open the bedroom / ensuite door and asked dp if he had heard the phone call. He said yes. I asked him if he wanted to come and see it? Um, no. Are you sure? No. Do you want to look at the photo? No.

Excitement over, I decided I needed sleep - bad.

I laid down, hopefully for the last time that night. Dp asked how I was. In all the excitement I hadn't taken in the fact that I wasn't in pain anymore!!!!!!

I was just about asleep when mum rang at midnight. She'd finished her shift and wanted to know if she should come over. I told her I thought it was over. She asked how I felt. I said 'I want to say I feel a million bucks, but realistically I feel about ten bucks - which is a good improvement on the way I've felt all day'.


Fast forward to now, and I have what is like a normal period. Its not excessively heavy, and there is no pain. My stomach has also softened and gone back in.

And I'm looking forward to next year, when I can TTC again.

But I stand by my statement, I am NEVER doing that again. I will demand a D&C if I'm ever in this situation again. Miscarrying naturally is one of the worst things I have ever ever done.

An inbetween the days post :)

One of my best friends told me she was pregnant on Saturday night. Her 1st born is 4 and a bit months old. She is freaking out. Their due dates are only 3 days apart.
She apologised over and over and felt bad that she was scared and shocked. She was sorry that it happened to her by accident and that we are having so much trouble. I told her never to apologise for something so wonderful, and that it is understandable that she is 5hit scared about having a 1 year old and a newborn.
The only thing weird about it was that she is telling everyone at 6 weeks. She has been right in the swing of things with my drama's, but I guess, unless it happens to you, you still think you get pregnant and have a baby. Oh I wish it was that easy for me!!!
On a different note, what I said in my last post kind of happened - an hour and a half from home mind you But stay tuned, cause that is an entirely different post - one that I don't have time to write right now. I'll have it up this afternoon sometime though.
__________________

Day 11

Things progressed a bit today. A lot heavier, but still not as heavy as a regular period. I cleaned the house from top to bottom in the hopes that some sort of strenuous activity would help things along. I think they have?
Not cramping or sore as yet. But am paranoid that the big event will happen while I'm out for lunch tomorrow. 'Excuse me, yeah don't mind me I'm just going to have a miscarriage in between our entree and our main - continue on with your conversation'.
EEEK - I hope that doesn't happen.

Day 10

I'm bleeding, FINALLY. It's not excessive, and not yet enough to reach a pad. But I still pee all the time so don't give it much of a chance
No pain yet, no cramping yet. So far so good.
Got a little sunburnt today, but enjoyed being out in the sun and cleaning the gardens.
Can't wait for 32 degrees tomorrow.
I LOVE summer, and I think its going to be great, if spring is anything to go by.

Follow up

No follow up needle at this stage. But I'm not getting excited, it may happen after Tuesday. But, for now, we are still on track to TTC in 3 months.
Next bloods Saturday, results back on Monday (posted them in last post). I reported earlier that I may be spotting. Well that was a big fat false alarm. I had what I thought was the teeny tiniest little bit of spotting. Nope, just some brown CM, that promptly went back to normal CM. So I started partying too soon. Not impressed. I thought something was actually happening!!!!
Not much else to report unfortnately.

HCG Rundown

Day 0 - 2700
Day 4 - 2630
Day 7 - 2320
Day 11 - 2030

Are we there yet?

Last night before I jumped into bed I noticed that I was spotting. I whipped out the giant mother of all pads and tried to prepare myself for what, inevitably, awaited me.
* On a side note, I find it slighty amusing that I've only worn maternity pads after my miscarriages
Once in bed dp asked how I was. I told him I'd started spotting and was very very nervous. I even felt nauseas at what was going to happen. I had tried for over a week and a half to emotionally prepare for what lay ahead for me. As I haven't miscarried naturally before, I have a sneaking suspicion that I will, in no way, have prepared myself adequately for what is yet to happen.
I slept through the night quite well, only waking to the discomfort of trying to sleep with something the size of a pillow in my undies. Made even worse by the fact that I had pyjamas on and was nearly strangling myself. I usually sleep starkers, or if AF is around, just in pyjama bottoms. But because I have no idea how my body will deal with this, I've been sleeping in full on jammies incase I need to go to hospital at 2am.
When I got up this morning, despite the killer headache, I didn't feel too bad. I tried to keep busy for awhile before I faced the bathroom. Well considering I have a fair whack of HCG still in my body, holding off peeing is not as easy as it sounds.
So I braced myself and checked out my super maxi jumbo pad........NOTHING. Argh come on give me a break.
Jump forward to now adn I've started spotting again. Its minimal. I have apanty liner on 'just incase', not that there is enoguh to actually reach the pad????
So now I'm confused, yet again. Methotrexate injections are followed by bleeding on Day 3 or Day 4. I'm on DAY NINE!!!!!! There is no one left for me to google. Every person I have googled who has had the methotrexate injection for an ectopic has had bleedig long before this. So again, I'm left with nothing but guesses as to what the hell will happen next.
Soooooo if anyone knows ANYONE who has had this treatment and has not responded as per the statistics, please let me know!!!!!
Ok, well I'm going back to sitting around and waiting, waiting, waiting.

Still Waiting.

No follow up needle at this stage. But I'm not getting excited, it may happen after Saturday. But, for now, we are still on track to TTC in 3 months.
Next bloods Saturday, results back on Monday.

I reported earlier that I may be spotting. Well that was a big fat false alarm. I had what I thought was the teeny tiniest little bit of spotting. Nope, just some brown CM, that promptly went back to normal CM. So I started partying too soon. Not impressed. I thought something was actually happening!!!!

Not much else to report unfortnately.

Day 7 Bloods

Thanks G for the comment about my day 4 bloods. I know todays bloods are what is important, but... 70, the first decline was 70. I truely was hoping for something a little better.

Todays bloods are going to be absolutely fantastic, a medical marvel that will be documented in medical journals everywhere. Aussie chic drops 2000 off her HCG :)
OOH dear, this is what my dreams now consist of.

I had the blood taken, and then another lady who took my day 4 bloods, came over and said oh yes write this, write that, and these aren't urgent.
I honestly didn't mean to react the way I did. It was a tad out of place......
I said a little too abruptly 'No these ARE urgent, why do you think the Dr marked them as such'.

I wasn't trying to be rude. I think I just went into self preservation mode. If they are classified as urgent, I'll have to wait three days for the results. My head wont cope with a 3 day wait. If the results aren't satisfactory I'll be getting another jab of Methotrexate, and with it...... A six month ban on TTC. The bloods were marked as urgent :)

The thought of this has been eating me up since I was told that it was a possibility. But the last couple of days DP and I have decided we'll be ok with it. We'd prefer the 3 month wait, BUT, if it is a 6 month wait, we're off to the States next September. I'm doing the big theme parks before I'm to old, or too pregannt, to go upside down on a rollercoaster. So if it is 6 months. I have a plan.

Mmmmm, sorry, I'm not the most talkative, or emotionally stable person in the world at the moment. And I just don't have much to say. I do, however, have a very cool poem from a friend who's daughter was born sleeping at 22 weeks.

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

Sorry if this has been posted a million times before. I only saw it for the first time yesterday.

Day 4 bloods

So I mentioned in a previous post that after a methotrexate injection your HCG levels rise, before they begin to fall. Bearing that in mind, I thought that Saturdays blood test (Day 4) would have seen a drop of a few hundred from my last BHCG of 2700.
Oh how wrong I was, Day 4 BHCG was 2630, it will take forever to come down if this is the way its going to play......
Day 7 bloods tomorrow and I am hoping that they are a hell of a lot more significant than Day 4's.
It was bitterly depressing to find out it had only dropped by 70. But I guess that I will never know the real rate of decrease because I dont know what my BHCG spiked at.
Oh well. I just have to pray that tomorrow will provide a better result.

What happened to 'D' day?

I've given up on D day. Its not happening anytime soon. I am pretty sure I'll be having the second Methotrexate injection. If this happens, I'm out of the TTC game for six months. I don't know how to handle that. I am praying I DON'T have to handle that.
So today I was thinking about everything that has happenend over the past few months. And more so what has happened the last week. I haven't been as highly strung emotionally as the last miscarriage. This was partly due to it never being a viable pregnancy. Another was that I felt like I was taking one for the 'team'. If I miscarried, then there was a lesser chance that a couple of very special ladies who had their BFP's at the same time of mine would have to endure the same loss. I looked at it as a numbers game. 'Well there was another miscarriage, so it increased their odds of having a healthy pregnancy". I was gutted to learn that one of these ladies is experiencing spotting. I hope that everything is ok for her. She needs to represent in May.
However, I had myself a mini breakdown today, because of one person, a person who wears so many different hats in the soap opera / ER saga of my life, a person who I have never met.
* the first person I told of my impending miscarriage - this time round
* the first person who rang me and comforted me
* the person who had a D&C at the same time as me and could relate to how I felt
* the person who got their BFP the same time as me this time and freaked out with me
* the person I was most happy in being stuck in a due in thread with.........
She might be miscarrying too.
And this is where the 'everything will sort itself out' turns into 'this is just 5hit'. I'm not sure what powers control the Due in May thread, but did they NOT GET THE MEMO. I miscarried. I TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM. Why can't everyone else just be ok? It is not ok for multiple people to have to go through this cr@p over and over again. Especially someone who is so kind and caring.
So I am stuck back in the life is cr@p phase of this roller coaster. I can handle this. I can get through this. But why do other people have to go through it aswell? Surely making one person at a time suffer is sufficient?
I know its unrealistic, but there are a few of us that need a break. Just for awhile. A nice, healthy 40 week pregnancy with an amazingly healthy child at the end would be just tops thanks.
Ahhhhh we can live in hope.
And too the person I mentioned above....... I'm thinking of you, and wish you didn't have to go through this again.
xoxoxox

'D' day plus one

'D' day is still eluding me.
I am extremely tired, very tender but not yet in any type of pain.
I had my first followup BHCG today. My guess is I will follow the standard of having your HCG double before it drops.
My boobs have exploded. They are huge. They are that big that I even took photos of my cleavage.
Dr google is killing me, and I need to stop. I'm just desperately waiting for this to begin, so it can be over. The not happening is so scary becaue it is just increasing my stress levels while we wait for the ever elusive 'D' day.
I have decided to buy a lotto ticket though.
*Only a small % get pregnant on their first try (second round of TTC but still first try)
*Only a very small % of pregnancies are ectopic
*Only a TINY % of ectopics are in the ovary
Surely I've got a good chance of winning the lotto

'D' day

So 'D' iday is yet to amount to much. I'm a little sore, but no bleeding yet and no major cramping.I stayed up til the early hours watching some 9/11 movies. It pulled me out of my 5hitty mood. I know its something we all know about and were around for, but its not until I watched it all again did I really really think about it.
So today. Today I am thankful for everyone in my life. I am fortunate enough to have not lost anyway through accidents or through malicious acts of hate. Those that I have lost have been due to illness, and were old enough to have had fulfilled lives. So today I think about what I have, not what I have not got.
I can get pregnant. We don't have an issue there. I have a fantstic OB who will use me like a pin cushion til he finds out why we can't stay pregnant.
I live in a time where we have the internet. Which has given me access to so many stories of success, tears, and success. It gives me something to look forward too.
I am always appreciative of the fact that women talk about miscarriage more - perhaps not IRL, but they use the internet as their outlet. It gives hope and also gives me something to relate too. And I truely thank all the women who are brave enough to put their stories out there for the world to see.
I'm thankful that my sister is having a healthy pregnancy, because I would give up my fertility to ensure she never has to feel the way I have felt over the last few months.
My mum, who is an absolute mega-star. Who sleeps in my spare bed when things get tough so she is on hand to take me to the hospital. I love having a nurse for a mum.
My dp, who has gone over and above what I thought he was possibly capable of doing - Mr 6"3, 120kg oooohhhhh I don't like blood . After he has worked 16 hours he will come home and cook me dinner, even though I have barely moved off the lounge all day. He doesn't patronise me, nor try to downplay my emotions. He has sat through internall ultrasounds, a physical internal from my OB, and many many nights of cramping, pain and crying. I couldn't have asked for anything more from him in these past few months.
OK, so there's my appreciative post for today.
Yes, things are 5hit at the moment. But I have everyone I love. I have half the battle won in that I CAN get knocked up.
And my favourite child in the world is curled up next to me on the lounge. She hasn't left my side in months. And I would honestly be lost wothout her. Who else is going to be my hot water bottle at 3am when the real bottle is cold and dp is at work. She'll always be my hairy first born and I can't imagine life without her.
mmmmm if we can't have human babies, we're getting ten more dogs

'D' day is approaching

Well I am absolutely cr@pping myself about tomorrow.
Tomorrow is supposed to be 'D' day. The day it all starts happening.
I have been reading the diaries of blogs of those who have miscarried naturally. Many many of these women seem to feel more, empowered (for lack of a better word) an feel like they have more closure. I truely hope this is the case for me.My issue with that though is that my silly egg implanted in my OVARY for pete's sake (no offence pete). It was doomed from the get go. There is absolutely nothing I could have done to make this pregnancy viable.
Perhaps it may have been an empowering experience to naturally lose my baby who had a heartbeat. Who was taken away weeks prior to giving as much hint to its mother. But this pregnancy, this one nevr had a hope in hell. This one I want to move past from. This one stops me from TTC.
Being in TTC limbo land sucks. Alot.
I'm homeless, no longer in a Due In thread, no longer part of a TTC thread.The tears came today. I took it as a cue that everything is beginning to happen. I wasn't thinking about anything emotional. I was not overly happy, I was not sad, I was not angry. The tears just came. They were short-lived, but my eyes have been welling up, on and off all evening. Again, I think it is my body getting prepared for 'D' day. Hmmmm 'D' day. So so nervous.
Anyway, enough of my whining post. Apologies for how disjointed it is. But it is pretty much how disjointed my thoughts are atm.
Wish me luck for 'D' day!!!!

12 hours of RUPTURE fear

Well I survuved the period in which I was most likely to have a rupture. Mind you I was awake all night waiting for the 12 hour mark of 5:00am to pass. So I've only had a couple of hours rest today, very very tired. Looking forward to a good sleep, hopefully.
Am starting to get a bit tender and crampy.
Was stalked by pregnant women at the shops today, it wasn't as bad a feeling as it was after the last miscarriage. I know try not to judge and think that there is a story behind each pregnancy and that perhaps not everyone got to that stage with ease.
However the AT LEAST 8 month pregnant lady who was smoking and drinking a can of Jim Beam at the bus stop really really pi55ed me off. But hey, that's life, not much I can do about it. I just hope her child is not adversely affected.Looking forward to seeing out the end of this year, which would mean I'm allowed to TTC again. 3 months is going to be a long long wait.
On another downer, I can't have alchol within 2 weeks of the Methotrexate injection ARRRRRRGHHHHH very very unfair. I'm not a big drinker, but hey I would like to have at least one drink after losing another baby.

How on earth can I fit into every TINY statistic

I feel kinda special.....
"Ovarian or Cervical Ectopics account for only 0.2% of all ectopic pregnancies"
Naturally, I had to have the 'difficult to treat', 'most likely to rupture' type of ectopic. lol.
I also found this about the sac inside my uterus.
"A pseudosac is a collection of fluid within the endometrial cavity created by bleeding from the decidualized endometrium often associated with an extrauterine pregnancy and should not be mistaken for a normal early intrauterine pregnancy. The true gestational sac is located eccentrically within the uterus beneath the endometrial surface, whereas the pseudosac fills the endometrial cavity."

The Never Ending Day

WOW. I don't even now where to begin to try and re-tell the day I have had......
I went to my scheduled OBGYN appointment that I was lucky enough to secure at such short notice. He is just lovely, and he will be monitoring my pregnancies and delivering my children if we can sort out my 'broken uterus syndrome'.
We went over the number of pregnancies, number of miscarriages, gestational ages of pregnancies, types of miscarriages etc. DP and I had our medical history scrutinised and Dr OBGYN was very happy to know that dp has not had any testicular trauma (dp was very happy about this too).Then we moved on to my current pregnancy and the recorded HCG levels. They obviously caused reason for concern without even considering what wonderful news we had had from the ultrasound.
Dr OBGYN, being informed previously of what awaited him on my ultrasound, said that he does not believe that I have 2 pregnancies, instead he thought the ovarian one was a cyst and the actual pregnancy was the one in my uterus. So next Dr OBGYN took a look at the ultrasound. He um'ed and ah'ed and then proceeded to stand up me, dp and mum to explain what he thought while pointing away at pictures of my ovary and uterus. He entirely swapped his intial statement. Uterus had Pseudo gestational sac, actual pregnancy is INSIDE left ovary. He reserved his right to confirm that until he had done his own ultrasound.
So next was the joyous part for me. First I get the duck-bill instrument, usually reserved for pap smears, inserted so he could view my cervix with a big damn light. All good. Next was the fingers to see if he could 'feel' anything through the walls. And, if all that penetration was not enough, I was then given my second internal ultrasound in under 24 hours. Again he was kind enough to stand mum and dp infront of the screen and explained every detail of what could be seen.
So I at least had good news at this point. I did not lose twins. I only had one pregnancy which was within the left ovary. As my HCG rose, my uterus got its self into action and made a gestational sac, as all good - uterus's?, uterie? - do when you get yourself knocked up. But as the pregnancy was not in my uterus the actual sac was empty.
Next we discussed my options. Surgery - D&C to clear uterus of sac and surgery to remove pregnancy from ovary - 90% chance I would lose my ovary - Dr OBGYN not really interested in this scenario. Option 2. Have a Methotrexate injection in order to dissipate the pregnancy and hopeful it will 'flush' away (he said while making flowing movements with his hands from his make believe vagina). So Methotrexate option agreed upon. I figure tomorrow, the day after, next week?
Ah, no. NOW. Forms were written up as well as my pathology requests written up for the next SIX blood tests that are needed to track my progress. The whole process will probably take 3 weeks. The worst part, the part that I was trying to avoid, is that I will miscarry naturally. But if I want to keep my ovary, that is what I have to do.
So, next we get shipped of to the hospital, into EPAC. Thankfully he called ahead and ordered all his staff around while we were in his office. We were seen very quickly and all their stupid questions were halted with, my Dr has discussed this personally with the Registrar. After being looked at with the "you're full of 5hit" expression, I asked them to call the registrar before we proceeded any further.
Thankfully he arrived in a couple of minutes and told them everything was already sorted and they need not repeat everything that had already been established with Dr OBGYN.So, naturally, as I haven't had a blood test in 18 hours, I MUST need another one. Off for bloods we go. Then it was a case of sitting around until there was a bed ready for me on the ward. I was praying I didn't get sent to post-natal like my last miscarriage!! After getting up on the ward I had an hour wait before a Dr came to give me my injection. This is the first time I've had an injection in my bum and I was slightly nervous. I held mum's hand as soon as she picked up the needle it was actually quite painless, but the actual solution stung like cr@p once it was in. And my bum hurt for about 15 minutes.
After that it was four hours of observations before I coould get shipped off home.
So, here I am, with my sore bum, sitting on my lounge recapping he whirlwind day I have had!!!!
I will miscarry over the next 3 weeks. If my ovary is going to rupture it will be within 12 hours of the injection, so I have mum having a sleepover to be here for a shift change when dp goes to work. I can't be left alone
After all this is done and my hcg is back to 0, Dr OBGYN is going to start doing some testing on myself and dp. At least he gets to share in the blood tests this time, and I will be having a 3d u/s of my uterus. fingers croossed that if he finds something it is treatable.
One thing today showed me......I am never having my kids in a public hospital, the amount of time that dozens and dozens of pregnant women were waiting for appointments was just unreal. I cannot imagine they would be happy!!!! Thankful I quite like the Private hospital that my Dr delivers in.
So...... How was your day???

Scans and Ambiguity

So my poor little pregnancy ends already. U/s today suggests a twin miscarriage. One in-uterine pregnancy, one ectopic pregnancy attached to my left ovary. Our only hope is that I don't lose my ovary, but my chances aren't that good.I'm heading off to an OBGYN tomorrow As I want a specialist in charge of my ovary preservation.
One more try for a baby and then I give up.

Presumptuous

It appears that making appointments was very presumptuous.
My Hcg level, which was anticipated to be over 10,000, was actually only 2800, so it barely doubed in a week.
I'm off to have a scan today and am not expecting a happy outcome.
Will post when I know more.

Pressure

I am forced to do things I am yet ready to do. Like book an OB, the hospital, the NT Scan arrrrggghhhh.
When you want a certain Dr you have to do all this instantly. I am 5 weeks and 2 days today, and the Receptionist for they OBGYN told me that I'm 'lucky' to have a spot so 'late' into my pregnancy. Now I have to go and book the Hospital, and the NT scan. I wish I could wait until after 8.5 weeks to do all this.
Last time I didn't have to cancel anything - I used my NT appointment to have my scan to check if I had RPOC. I dont want to have to make the call that I'm sorry I need to cancel my appointments cause I've lost the baby.I cant do anything to change the outcome of this pregnancy. It will either happen, or it wont happen, but I was at least trying to help preserve my sanity by not setting myself up for a nice big collapse if it happened again.OK.
On the positive side of things. I am booked in with the Dr I wanted and I will be going to the Private hospital I wanted. My first OB appointment is on the 7th October and I will be 10 weeks. THis was the point of no return last time. So I will at least be under the care of a well well well respected OBGYN if I am to miscarry again. And I'll be demanding every damn test in their thick books.
If I can't get time away during the week, my first scan is booked for the 20th September. SURELY I can survive (and bubs) from the 20th September to the 7 October.

Still in Shock

By my calculations I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Due on the 5th May.
I have my first ultrasound on the 20th September (earliest Saturday appointment I can get). If I can get the time off work I will be having it done next week some time.
This time I knew I was pregnant 3 days before I tested. And when I got the first BFN, I didn't even flinch, I just knew it was too early to show up. I got my first FAINT FAINT positive at 9dpo. HCG at 18dpo was 1343. I have yet to decide if I will have repeat bloods.
Ok well they are the facts. I might leave it that for now. And ease my way into this

Guess What.....

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

Cramping, cramping, cramping

Well my uterus is either preparing for a baby or I’m now going to one of the unlucky ones who has pre af cramping for a few days before af.
I let myself get a little excited last night that I might be pregnant – about 5 minutes worth. Then it was back to trying to guess what my body is up too.
Funny how a m/c can change someone from a POAS-aholic to being POAS-phobic. If this had happened 6 months ago I’d be POAS till I had no more sticks left to pee on. Not anymore, my best friend told me test. No chance. FF says I can test on Monday. I’ll test next Friday if af hasn’t arrived.
Oh dear, I’m getting off track.
So, yesterday / last night. I have this new sensation of having a ‘full’ uterus – can’t think of any other way to explain it. It’s a bit sore, but not crampy. Its constant, it doesn’t come and go. It has lasted from about 10:00a.m yesterday, and I still haveit now. I did a CP and CM check. Cervix is high high high closed up shop and very firm. Cm is creamy but not abundant and I had ONE tiny bit of red spotting last night. And then a TINY bit of brown spotting this morning.
Temp went up to 37.00 this morning. I contemplated POAS, but knew I wouldn’t do it. I’m scared. I’m scared of being pregnant, and I’m scared of not being pregnant. Realistically I want to be pregnant. But I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have af arrive. I’m still a tad emotional to be able to deal with that let down. So for the time being. Not getting up of hopes, no getting emotionally squished with BFN’s.
Good theory I think

Emotion Overload - again

Well I feel like I am getting af. If it comes tomorrow it will have been a 23 day cycle. Not promising. If it happens it means I’m having issues with my luteal phase. Not something I want to happen.
My journey on the emotional rollercoaster continues. Every cramp, twinge, pain is interpreted as af arriving. Whereas prior to my pregnancy, it was anticipated as a possible pregnancy sign. Now I just don’t have any faith in my body. I seem to have a cry every second day – set off by no apparent event.
I’ve tried talking to several people but, as much as they try, they just don’t get it. I just feel blah. I don’t cry over “I’d be such and such weeks on this day”. I don’t have any children so I don’t wonder whether the baby would have had eyes the same as dear son Fred or dear daughter Wilma. I don’t even compare myself to my pregnant sister and wonder what size I would be. I understand that nature has a way of making sure that those babies that aren’t capable of surviving on their own are usually those that are represented by a miscarriage. (Yes I understand that this is not always the case).
So if these aren’t the things that I think of, nor send me into a blubbering ball of tears, what is it that is making me feel so low?I partly blame hormones. One reason is that it took 6 weeks for me to have my mini meltdown. Perhaps that is how long it took for my hormones to sort themselves out and get their act together?
I actually get upset over the thought of other women who go through this, and for who too, the world does not stop to mourn their loss. It continues to turn.
So, I have no faith in my body’s ability to carry a child, I wonder whether having kids will be something that is realistically achievable. I also wonder whether getting pregnant right now is a good idea or not?If I don’t get over this before I fall pregnant again, and I do have another miscarriage, how on earth will I get back up from that? I think it is sensible to get over it before I get pregnant again, go in with a clear head. But then, on the other hand, I don’t think this feeling will go away until I have a child???
Talk about confusing.I know I’ve talked about this before in my diary, and sorry for boring you by re-hashing the same details, but these are the things that play over in my mind.

Emotion overload

I am struggling this week. Things seem to have gotten worse since I actually started letting my emotions out. I had another cry yesterday. Then had a desperate need to seem my godchildren. I was driving over there and kept thinking – what if I only get to be a god mother and never a mother?
In my younger years I’d toyed with the idea of never having children. I was young and happy and just didn’t have that desire. Well naturally that desire changed as I got older. And I keep thinking well I screwed with fate by saying that I didn’t want to have kids.My poor dp doesn’t know what to do to help me. He knows that I haven’t been coping this past week, but feels helpless to relieve the sadness or emptiness I feel. It makes it harder on me to be honest. I don’t want to see him struggling to help me. To comfort me etc. That was part of the reason I went out yesterday. I needed to get it out, and I needed to it with out worrying about how it was going to affect someone if they saw me upset.
Its getting harder, not easier, and I’m beginning to wonder if this feeling will not go away until I am holding my child in my arms. I feel that that is the answer.
That’s all I needed, to make TTC even MORE stressful lol.

O'ing a million times

Wow so much has happened since I last posted.I had a total breakdown a week ago. No real reason that set it off, but by god once I started crying I just couldn't stop.And it was the full on can't breathe, no sound crying. Felt so so so exhausted afterwards, and then had to steele myself to deal with some pregnant women. Not the best day of my life.
Since then I have O'd, and have a temperature rise to confirm it. But why on earth do I feel like I am O'ing again?
This TTC cr@p is just all too much and I'm kinda over it. I know I wont be ok if I get a BFN. Part of me wants to stop TTC so i dont have to deal with the disappointment at the end of ech month. If I dont TTC, I dont have to test But then I cant see that helping in my goal to get pregnant again, hahaha. Oh well, forward we must go. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. But we'll get there.

sperm meets egg plan

Well we are currently on on Day 2 (or CD9) of Operation Sperm Meets Egg.
I have begun taking Robitussin yesterday and have been drinking my green tea.
We did the deed last night and it was actually hilarious/. I shall spare you all the details though.
Tomorrow I have to BD again as well as begin doing OPK's. I will be trying out my Maybe Baby again this time around.
We are both keen to fall this month to relieve as much stress and anxiety as possible!!!!!

For those that aren't aware, the sperm meets egg plan is for those who know they CAN fall pregnant.

af is the devil

Early this morning I gave birth to a golf ball sized clot. Give birth may be a tad drastic for those that have actually pushed an 8 pound child out of their va jay jay. But for me thats the biggest thing that has ever come through that canal.3 hours of cramps, walking, rocking, squatting, hot water bottles and a hot shower didn't do much to relieve the pain nor the pressure.But in the early hours of the morning, while straining over the toilet, it was finally here.I debated whether to post a birth announcement. Hell the time and effort put into it deserved some sort of acknowledgment But the relief was instantaneous and immense. I've had the day off work for two reasons:1. I've barely slept2. Dont think I could handle that happening at work!!!!So as each day passes, and I'm losing more and more, I feel slightly cleansed. And am hoping my uterus will soon be complete with its spin, wash, rinse cycle.I hope that I can post a BFP announcement at the end of August. If I cant, I am hoping that I can heal enough over the next few weeks so that I dont have another mini meltdown

Back on the Wagon

Af arrived last night. 4 weeks and 3 days after my D&E.
I had alot of cramping throughout the day, and knew it was on its way. I was racing to the bathroom every 15 mintues to check if it had arrived.
I jumped in the shower and scarched my stomach for 15 minutes in an attempt to bring af on. It worked :) I got my period 15 minutes after my shower.
Unfortunately though it is quite heavy and painful. But I'm trying to approach it with a positive outlook. I still had retained products of conception after my D&E, so I was always prepared for this period to be a bit difficult.
But, onwards and upwards, and I can look at this as an opportunity for my uterus to have a good clean out inpreparation for its future tenant. Hopefully the lease will run for 9 months this time :)

4 weeks Post D&C

Today is four weeks since my D&C. I would be 15 weeks pregnant if I hadn't of miscarried.
I've had a bad day coping. I tried to distract myself with work as much as possible, but to no real avail, I worked hard, but still thought!
I've been tossing and turning in bed for an hour and a half, and eventually I had too give up. I've just hopped up and taken 2 panadeine forte, hopefully they will help with my toothache and also knock me out for a few hours.
I can't seem to switch off my brain today. It just keeps dwelling and dwelling and dwelling on what should have been. And it then flickers to think about what if having children is not a possibility for me?
Most days I manage fine. But today has been harder than any other day. I guess I cant beat myself up about it. Perhaps you need to hit emotional rock bottom before you can begin to climb back up. I've been coping and moving forward really well, I suppose one really bad day in four weeks is pretty good.
Its actually hard to explain. I'm ok, I can function quite normally. I worked my butt off today and was extremely productive. I came home and cleaned, cooked dinner, watched half a movie and tried to go to bed. But I just can't switch my brain off. Today my brain only thinks about my pregnancy, my miscarriage, my D&C, and my future in respect to children.
I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling much brighter. I can't imagine too many of these types of days are good for the soul.
But, if I do wake up like this tomorrow, its all good, I'm going out tomorrow night, so I'll get right royal drunk for the first time in heaven knows how long. Hmmm I imagine 3 glasses of anything will be enough hahahahaha. Ah, at least I still have a slight sense of humour even at my most wallowing and self pitying low :P

Thoughts

I think about my miscarriage every day.
It is usually even the first thing I think of when I wake up. For awhile I used to wake up and put my hand over my stomach. You know that moment where you are suspended between being asleep and being totally awake. My hand would always move down and cradle my stomach. It would stay there for awhile, until I woke up enough to realise that there is no longer a baby in there. Those days are getting further and further apart, perhaps my subconscious is catching up.

It leads me to wonder if a time will come when my miscarriage is only something I think about on occasion? I can't imagine that happening any time in the near future.

While we are actively TTC I automatically think of my miscarriage. I think about it when I temp, I think about it when I record my data in FF.
When I am pregnant (hopefully sooner rather than later) I imagine it will play on my mind even more. Especially during the first trimester. Although I know that you are never really out of danger until you are holding your baby.

It all just leaves me thinking that these will be something that I will need to incorporate into my daily life. Dealing with my miscarriage will be something that lasts a lot longer than just the foreseeable future.

Empty

I feel empty.
I'm not sad nor angry nor any other emotion I can pinpoint.
I just feel empty.
Its a difficult feeling to have and try and live life as I normally would. It has deprived me of any motivation.
I wonder if it is just symptom of PMS, perhaps it is just that I am hormonal. I haven't had a real period in 4 months, maybe my body is just adjusting to the different hormones that are going through my body?
meh, who knows. I hope this feeling goes away soon. It makes for some very unproductive days.

Shopping

OK, HCG is now down to 4. So I'm back in the game.
Had a mini breakdown while shopping on Saturday. I was dress shopping for an event we have to attend in 5 weeks. All was well and I had picked out my dress. It was $150, and dp wanted me to have it as a present to make me feel beter blah blah blah. I said I appreciate the thoguth, but the dress wont even fit me in 4 weeks, there's no room for the belly to grow into the dress. Oh. Yeah. Hang on. We aren't pregnant anymore, are we. Well I threw my best 'controlled tanty'. I was looking for a little dress, did't neeed to be stretchy, didn't need to be loose. Hell it could have been skin tight if thats what I wanted.
I wanted to be looking for a flowing, stretchy dress that would fit my expanding tummy. I was actually upset that I could wear what ever I wanted to in the shop. I was supposed to be stuck for choice and trying to imagine what size my tummy would be in a few weeks.
But no. No tummy popping for me. I didnt end up getting a dress either. It felt to weird to celebrate being able to wear what I want. Considering thats not how I wished things were.
On a brighter note, back in the game, lots of bd, green tea, vitamins, robitussin, and thank you TTC diary, you just reminded me I have to go and get some more pre-seed

Grief and moving on

I have spent the last few days thinking back to how devastated my family was on hearing the news that I had miscarried.
There were many many tears from those close to me, to the point where they were sobbing.
Ever since then it played on my mind that I had not experienced that absolute, soul destroying, painful, bawl your eyes out sorrow. I felt guilty that I hadn't cried as hard as my loved ones had. Poor DP (who I haven't seen cry in over a year). started crying the second I calmly told him I would be going to the hospital as I was bleeding. Sure I cried, 3 or 4 nights after my D&E when I thought I was going to vomit. The tears came as I pondered who would make a woman throw up after a m/c when she was never sick during her pregnancy. They weren't tears of sadness, tears of grief. They were tears of a tired pi55ed off woman who thought the world was playing a cruel joke on her.
But a mere 12 days after my D&E, I watch as the rest of my family go about their lives. Work, play, parties, planning, pregnancies. And, although I dont begrudge them their lives, in has put a lot of things into perspective for me.
No I didn't bawl my eyes out hysterically in sadness and grief. No my knees did not buckle from the news that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. But now I know why.
I have to carry this with me forever. I have to take this pain with me through the rest of my life. Back on the TTC journey and my mind is filled with things like, are my tubes scarred from infection? Is my uterus scarred or damaged from the D&E? Are my ovaries ok? And then the thought of being pregnant leads me to wonder if I will ever carry a pregnancy to term.
Sure the fear of not carrying a pregnancy to term may be statistically unrealistic, but hell this is my life and these are my fears - warranted or not.
So while talking to dp tonight I realised that the guilt I felt for not having an emotional breakdown was not necessary. I will carry this with me everyday. Everyday I feel the pangs of sadness, grief, guilt and of course the soul destroying question of what if I did or what if I hadn't.
It's 12 days after my D&E. Everyone is over it. Everyone has moved on. My boobs have even moved on, they are back to their original size. And I am left here alone to establish how I can healthily acknowledge and grieve my loss while somehow functioning in the real world.
So I've beaten myself up over this for the past two weeks and this is what I have come up with.
My tears may not of been as swift as others, nor were there as many. But when others get up, move forward, and get back to their normal lives..... Well I have this to live with, everyday, for the rest of my life. Dr's visits will consist of 'yes, I have been pregnant before, I had a miscarriage'. This is now my make-up, this is a part of who I am. I think of the child I lost everyday. Sure, I agree with the theory that your body rejects something that is not healthy or viable. But in no ways does that take a way from the pain of it. Sure my chances to carry to term next time are high. But I've already been in the mere 3% of pregnancies that end after a heartbeat has been seen. So isn't it entirely possible that I could be in the 3% of women who experience recurrent miscarriage??? This is me. These are the fears that I have to live with. And the reason my tears didn't all flow at once was because this is now a lifelong companion of mine. I am a woman who miscarried in June 2008.
BUT with any luck, I'll be the woman who has a happy, healthy baby in 2009.

Test Results

So I just spoke to my Dr, HCG dropped from 29 on Sunday to 22 yesterday. He is happy with the way its decreasing, and quite frankly so am I. Have no intentions of being concerned unless the HCG stabilises at an amount above 5, until then I'm happy with the rate that it is decreasing. (not entirely true, I wish it was 0 NOW )Asked the Dr if there was anything else I should be doing besides not having sex. He said who said you cant have sex? I told him that his words were...... you cant do anything this cycle. He laughed and said that he meant that no MATTER how much sex I have that it is highly unlikely my uterus would let anything attach while there is still RPOC. He said sex is fine and even set me out a schedule
every second day with dp on top
after every second day for a week then I have to try 3 days straight with dp on top.
He said my cervix is still tender, and although most of the fear is unfounded, that by following what he said it will decrease the chance I'll hurt or bruise myself.
So after the phone call, I got myself all sexied up, put on my pink and black corset set, and threw on a dressing gown.When dp got home from work I said I spoke to the Dr and have some news. At that point I flashed him, and his jaw nearly fell to the floor. I said guess who's allowed to touch me again. The poor man thought it was Xmas. hahahaha, I'll remember his face for ages. He's never gotten naked so fast in his life.
After telling him our sex 'schedule' he now wants to shake this Dr's hand, as its more sex than we've had in literally 4 months!!!!S o, now we are just waiting for af. With a 0.01% hope in hell that I'll be pregnant before then.